[IDoNotExist]

I see a lot of this here. I'm 27 and have never dated anyone.

[alley.cat]

I had gone on random dates before, but my first actual relationship was just this past year at the age of 23. It didn't last very long, couple of months, and I could be an absolute monster sometimes. I didn't like who I was in the relationship and don't think I can handle them based on that experience... It would be irresponsible and unfair of me to involve someone in my life right now at the level of instability I'm experiencing.

[beloiseau]

I'm not in a relationship now because I also don't want to drag anyone into this instability, even though it could help. I didn't have my first real boyfriend until I was 22, and only have had 2. I'm 25. I only went on my first date my senior year of college, and I didn't even realize the guy was interested in me lol, thought we were just buddies. I've been on loads of dates though, some bad, some good, some leading to more, some not.

[IDoNotExist]

Originally Posted by alley.cat

I had gone on random dates before, but my first actual relationship was just this past year at the age of 23. It didn't last very long, couple of months, and I could be an absolute monster sometimes. I didn't like who I was in the relationship and don't think I can handle them based on that experience... It would be irresponsible and unfair of me to involve someone in my life right now at the level of instability I'm experiencing.

I think I've been on one date when I was 18. I kind of avoid dating/romance altogether. I did the whole promiscuity thing at 20 instead. Not even that bad or unsafe--but I felt I didn't have to care if they liked me or not. It was +/-20 minutes, and that was it.

It seems kind of uncommon here. I agree with the latter part; I don't want to for those reasons either.

[BpdanMe05]

I have had 3 long term relationships. The first two where about 2 years each and neither ended well and the second was very toxic due to my issues and the selfish persons narcissism. Now I've been married since I was 19. I hate starting them or going from one person to another. I've always been a lifer in relationships and thank god I found a man that can not only handle me but also treat me like I'm just a tad bit more difficult than "normal" girls lol.

[atomicc]

Yes, I've been dating since 14. I've had two or three long term relationships. I've been with my boyfriend now for three years., I've always loved dating and guys...girls too.

[Shadow_wolf500]

I had a bf when we were in high school Dated for four years. Not a great relationship ( we are both crazed) didn't date for years after they had another one lasted almost a year he was physically abusive and emotionally. Then one of one year he was emotionally abusive. Now I have my gf who is now over one year come October and she is great but feel like I don't deserve her given my probs and past. Relationships are hard And over rated. I'm 27 and I would sell my soul to have never dated the ones I had in the past.

[IDoNotExist]

Thankx for the responses. I'm glad you guys found people :-). I unfortunately cannot relate; I stopped posting pictures online because I thought I was too ugly. I hate looking in reflective surfaces unless I have to. I wonder if this is something I should bring up tomorrow in therapy, as it seems a bit out of place for BPD?

[technigal]

My first boyfriend was when I was 25. I never dated very much, I had about 5 short-term relationships and 1 long-term before getting married when I was 32.

[IDoNotExist]

Originally Posted by Shadow_wolf500

I had a bf when we were in high school Dated for four years. Not a great relationship ( we are both crazed) didn't date for years after they had another one lasted almost a year he was physically abusive and emotionally. Then one of one year he was emotionally abusive. Now I have my gf who is now over one year come October and she is great but feel like I don't deserve her given my probs and past. Relationships are hard And over rated. I'm 27 and I would sell my soul to have never dated the ones I had in the past.

Aww, she probably loves you either way. There's something about you that makes her stay. You can't be all that bad; BPD is just a few bad traits, not your whole being.

Relationships are hard And over rated. I'm 27 and I would sell my soul to have never dated the ones I had in the past

I doubt it. It's a very lonely existence, sexually and more importantly, emotionally.

I'm sure the past ones still kind of prepared you for some things

[facingdemons]

I've pretty much been in a relationship since 15. I'm 29 now. 2 years in high school with someone very abusive sexually and emotionally. 3 years in college (lived together). Married at 21, together for 8 years. Then with my most recent boyfriend for 7 months (lived together). I've had a few very short relationships in between. Never been single more than a month. It's an issue. I can't stand being alone. I thrive on commitment, but I can be impossible to be with and I am so hot and cold.

My goal is to try and stay single for a while. See if I can stand on my own feet.

[IDoNotExist]

Originally Posted by facingdemons

I've pretty much been in a relationship since 15. I'm 29 now. 2 years in high school with someone very abusive sexually and emotionally. 3 years in college (lived together). Married at 21, together for 8 years. Then with my most recent boyfriend for 7 months (lived together). I've had a few very short relationships in between. Never been single more than a month. It's an issue. I can't stand being alone. I thrive on commitment, but I can be impossible to be with and I am so hot and cold.

My goal is to try and stay single for a while. See if I can stand on my own feet.

I can't stand being alone.

I am the opposite. I want to be alone until I find someone, then I don't want them to leave (THIS is rare, very rare). But I always try to be alone, even if it's lonely. I only talk to people on the net for the past year or so.

It seems to be an odd trait around these neck of the woods. I dunno what to make of it.

[Elektra_]

never dated

[Shadow_wolf500]

Thank you for that idonotexsist yeah feeling down lately hard time of year so I can seem bleak on some subjects. But you will find a relationship all you have to do is keep looking.
"
You can't be all that bad; BPD is just a few bad traits, not your whole being. "

Thank you for that one I'm gonna try to hold onto that idea over the next couple days lol.

[lynn808]

okay...so here goes.....
abusive relationship with parents...but dated in high school...nothing serious...could not figure out why guys were always proposing to me.....didn't want to be married...probably was because my parents fought...physically all the time....
Met guy at 23 and decided to move to another state for a job...he thought is would be better if we were married....what the heck...got married and moved....major mistake...was more abusive physically and emotionally than my father...omg....but I stayed for 14 years....a friend told me my kids saw me being abused...said I had to leave... so I left...was alone for 17 years...only having males friends and social relationships...some casual sex but nothing serious....then my daughter introduced me to her b/f dad...a really nice guy....him and I ended up being foster parent figures to about 14 kids....we were friends for about 3 years when he asked me on a date....our kids' junior prom was our first date... then he asked me to go to Disney with him and his 2 kids for xmas...which was a bad time for me...so I went.....now we have been living together for 5 years now....dunno if marriage is in our future but it is not a deal breaker.....he has been very supportive of me...including teaching his children about my BPD and showing them how I react so that I do not hurt them when I snap....I have been working on not snapping as easily, learning to like myself and learning that other people do care about me and love me....(which I have always had a problem with anybody liking me-including me)
I can tell you that it is not easy dealing with the BPD from either side.....but there are supportive and caring people who can deal with BPD with love and caring and understanding.....I didn't think I would ever be able to say that...swore I would always be alone, because I didn't deserve anybody...but I am learning to change, accept new thoughts, accept that I am worth more than I ever thought, know that there is a future for me and someone who cares about me..... It is hard sometimes just to cope daily, but I am improving every day now.....Please know y'all that it can and will happen that you will find a friend and it may turn into more.... Don't ever give up....I didn't and my friend did come along...yeah the 17 years was a long time-I didn't give up....and I am growing every day...I talk to god daily...just the big guy and me.... am also a recovering catholic (lol)....so I have lots of fighting to do and try to fight every day...not saying its easy...h.e.l.l...nothing is easy...if it was we would be boring....and I hate boring...hope this makes a little sense and can give you hope that there is a good to great person out there for all of us!!!!!!! sorry for the novel.....but you did ask....hugs and hope for everyone!!!

[bpdtransformation]

Hi Idonotexist,
I relate a lot to your description of not wanting to look in reflective surfaces/mirrors because you dislike the way you look. In my teens, (I'm 28 now), I dreaded going to the hairdresser because I hated the way I looked so much, and they made you look at yourself for 20 mins+ straight in a big mirror. I hated my appearance so much that I wanted to get plastic surgery and thought no one would ever date me if I did not.
Today, I have had two serious longer-term relationships, and have been with my current girlfriend about 1 year. I worked on my hatred of my appearance in therapy and it got a lot better. The funny thing is, I am actually a pretty decent looking guy. I just never believed it, even when other people would tell me. I had to build up my self esteem in other ways and work on seeing myself as other people saw me - not projecting bad thoughts onto my own appearance. My therapist helped me a lot to work these projections out. Of course, I would never have judged someone else the way I judged myself. It also helped to realize that.
I'm sure you look much better to others than you think.

[IDoNotExist]

Originally Posted by bpdtransformation

Hi Idonotexist,
I relate a lot to your description of not wanting to look in reflective surfaces/mirrors because you dislike the way you look. In my teens, (I'm 28 now), I dreaded going to the hairdresser because I hated the way I looked so much, and they made you look at yourself for 20 mins+ straight in a big mirror. I hated my appearance so much that I wanted to get plastic surgery and thought no one would ever date me if I did not.
Today, I have had two serious longer-term relationships, and have been with my current girlfriend about 1 year. I worked on my hatred of my appearance in therapy and it got a lot better. The funny thing is, I am actually a pretty decent looking guy. I just never believed it, even when other people would tell me. I had to build up my self esteem in other ways and work on seeing myself as other people saw me - not projecting bad thoughts onto my own appearance. My therapist helped me a lot to work these projections out. Of course, I would never have judged someone else the way I judged myself. It also helped to realize that.
I'm sure you look much better to others than you think.

For every person that's maybe called me slightly unattractive (I mean I can't be attractive to everyone, right? It boggles my mind how some men find Angelina Jolie unattractive ), I've had 2-3 more say the opposite.

The hairdresser thing. Omg. Yes, that's a problem right now. I'll start thinking of surgery. And looking at the balance of my features. Then I'll look at those around me and see they're features as more balanced.

My hair is a mop-fro right now because of it.

I'm reading your blog before my session today.

[bpdtransformation]

Thanks for these thoughts. Another thing that helped was trying to see my appearance as a whole. I would peer in the mirror and look at only one thing - like, my nose, or how deep/long my cheeks were in profile, and then obsess over how "bad" that feature was. That's a typical splitting-based "borderline" thing because it involves looking at parts rather than wholes. When people look at a person and find them attractive, they usually look at their whole face/body, not just one feature.

Also, the way someone smiles, talks, presents themselves, etc. is important to the impression one gives. I never realized that when I was so obsessed with one feature at a time. By the way, if people are saying that you look good, they probably mean it. There may be a voice in you that says, "They are just saying it to be nice, but underneath they really think I look bad." Try to fight that; it's almost certainly not true if a lot of people have given you compliments. Of course, to go a bit deeper, all beauty fades with time and the cliche about "it's what's on the inside that counts" is true. That's how you can eventually have a successful relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend, when you like yourself more and they come to like you as a person.

And I'm flattered you would read my blog, I assume you mean the Wordpress one. Hopefully it is not getting too boring with all my technical theorizing about BPD!

[henrydavidtherobot]

I have had 3 serious relationships (I lived with two). I have dated 3 or 4 others.

[niceguy]

Just remember, we always see ourselves worse than we really are. I am sure you have the looks, just everytime you look at yourself focus on the negative.

Good rule of thumb, everytime you look in the mirror- tell yourself your hot. It doesn't matter if you believe it or not. Over time, you will start too. It will start with, wow my hair looks pretty good today and lead on from there.

Works with compliments too. I never used to be able to accept them, until someone said to me - just say thankyou. You don't have to believe it, but just say thanks.
Now today when someone does say something nice to me. I actually take it in to account that well, maybe their right.

I think it comes down to telling your subconcious one thing. Since it cannot decifer between fact and fiction. Whatever is repative it believes. Good or bad

MANY............. on rare occasions they were even aware of it.

Been in a few relationships. Had gfs in high school and later. Married 2x. 3 children, one grown. Now in the best relationship I could ever imagine and very happy.

Awww I love the idea of love and am also in a very loving relationship of a year now xxxx before him tho I had loads that just didn't get me and hurt me once they seen my vulnerability I guess xxx

[Starling.]

One serious-ish relationship. A few dates. Seeing someone at the moment but it's new and we're taking it slow. Going well though

{pathetic attempt at humor warning......}

Do "inflatables" count??