[cannotdecide]

I have BPD. This is also my first post here. (Hi!) I was wondering if anyone else can relate to this.

Preface: I've been having more frequent "episodes" lately, specifically depression - no self-injury this time, just major depression. I just got out of the hospital for the 12th time. I've had BPD for 12 years. (At least I'm consistent!)

My boyfriend and I are both fascinated by traveling. He's taught in the Pacific Islands are went on a trip to Kenya last year; I've been overseas but never to developing countries. I'd love to go to Ghana and Macedonia and Sri Lanka and... throw a dart at a map and I'll go there. Most of my depressive episodes are triggered by boredom. I get bored very easily and it's all downhill from there.

So we're watching a travel show and the man is taking a train through Mongolia and I say how much I'd love to do that... just get on a train/donkey/camel/van and GO EVERYWHERE. And my boyfriend asked me, "Are you sure? I don't know if you'd really like to do that." When I asked him to elaborate, he told me it was because I'd been having more depressive episodes lately and if I felt like self-harming in a developing country while surrounded by natives, I'd run into problems.

And it's a valid point. If anything, I SHOULD feel good that he's validating my BPD. He's pointing out that I am prone to emotional breakdowns and I've been having a rough few months and there aren't many crisis clinics in, say, Tuvalu. And he's right. But I'm not always like this. I can go for long stretches and be fine. Travel excites me. I'd love to travel the world. So I teared up a little and started thinking about all his ex-girlfriends. One was a model who traveled the world for work. One worked on a cruise ship. Etc. etc. etc. So in MY head, I'm warping his words to mean "you'll never be as interesting as my ex girlfriends. You'll never travel the world. Your dreams are ridiculous. You're ridiculous. I could do better than you. You're pathetic. You're worthless. I could leave you for someone better. I will go farther in life than you. I will travel and accomplish my dreams and leave you behind. I will find someone else. I will leave you."

He could see how I was processing this and he sighed and said, "I didn't mean it that way. You can travel the world."

And now I want to prove it to him. I want to purchase a plane ticket to Ghana and just leave him behind. But I can't. I'm not a model. I don't work on a cruise ship. I don't need a plane ticket to Ghana; I need to find a better apartment and a better therapist and keep working on my DBT skills so one day I CAN go to Tuvalu.

So I calmed down. I didn't self-harm. I kissed my boyfriend and said nothing else about it.

But he said one thing offhandedly and if I didn't have the emotion regulation skills I do now, it probably could have sent me to the hospital. I'm so exhausted just by existing. Just waiting for the next comment that will confirm that I am useless and I will go nowhere in life and everyone will leave me behind.

But I'm not useless. One day I am going to Ghana. And I will be fine.

[Side of the Angels]

"you'll never be as interesting as my ex girlfriends. You'll never travel the world. Your dreams are ridiculous. You're ridiculous. I could do better than you. You're pathetic. You're worthless. I could leave you for someone better. I will go farther in life than you. I will travel and accomplish my dreams and leave you behind. I will find someone else. I will leave you."

To..knew this was what u heard before you stated it. And it's frustrating and I'm sorry. You..handled this so well, I'm very proud of you. To want you type noire but my kindle is acting up... u r driving great!!! Doing... see?!

[Side of the Angels]

Originally Posted by Side of the Angels

"you'll never be as interesting as my ex girlfriends. You'll never travel the world. Your dreams are ridiculous. You're ridiculous. I could do better than you. You're pathetic. You're worthless. I could leave you for someone better. I will go farther in life than you. I will travel and accomplish my dreams and leave you behind. I will find someone else. I will leave you."

To..knew this was what u heard before you stated it. And it's frustrating and I'm sorry. You..handled this so well, I'm very proud of you. To want you type noire but my kindle is acting up... u r driving great!!! Doing... see?!

Omfg I hate this damn thing

[LaborIntensive]

Well, we all have to have dreams. I guess working on yourself and where you can do it easily is probably the best decision at the moment. He loves you it sounds like and comparisons are a bad way to go about thinking of yourself. It's rough I do it too and I am a guy. I dated a model and I left her for being mean to her daughter but while we were together all I could think about was all the really good looking guys she had been with all the places she traveled to. It was really hard but I remained quiet and confident through it all.

I wish you all the best and maybe someday all the cards will fall into place and travel will happen. Until then go walking, sightseeing (it's likely more affordable too).