[SkyWhite]

Hi
I'm new to this forum. I joined because I'm becoming too isolated. The only one I can depend on is my therapist. He and I discussed this yesterday and decided I can't depend on him for everything. THIS REALLY HURTS.

Anyhow, my biggest issue right now is the separation anxiety I have with my therapist. I have severe abandonment issues. I've been able to trust him enough to be away from him for a couple of weeks, but yesterday after our session, as usual, I became very anxious again. My problem is these horrible headaches I get when this happens and the inability to identify the emotion that is causing it. I'm using DBT as best I can. Last night in bed I felt a lot of anger and thought of hurting myself "to get even with him" popped into my head. But then all the emotion vanished and all that remained was the headache, which I still have this morning. Any ideas as to what is going on?

[solaced]

I can't relate to what you're feeling, but have you thought of telling him how it makes you feel? Especially the feelings of anger and thinking of hurting yourself. It's true you should find others to open up to and learn to trust, but he is still your primary support and I think you should discuss this with him. Hopefully you'll find some support through this forum as well. I just joined this week and am really feeling at "home" here. There are so many kind-hearted and helpful people.

[SkyWhite]

I guess the problem is I didn't even realize I was that angry until last night and I'm wondering if this is why I keep getting these killer headaches after each session. He knows how badly the separation anxiety is affecting me, but you're right, I'll have to talk to him about the anger when I see him again. I'm also keeping track of all this in my journal because when I sit down to begin a session my mind goes blank, lol.

I do not know why you are having the headache.

As for the feelings toward your therapist and desire to hurt yourself to "get even with him"..... I think for people who have borderline personality disorder - that is understandable.

HOWEVER - please know that if you hurt yourself in any way - it would NOT "get even" with him. It would only hurt you.

And yes - I can certainly relate to not knowing my own feelings.

It sounds like you are simply struggling very badly right now. I have been in your shoes (currently I am doing a bit better). I hope you find a way to verbally express yourself to your therapist.

Something like "I am very frustrated with you right now and I am struggling with how to express just how I am feeling." Maybe even ask him/her to work with you on identifying what caused this.

Gods blessings to you.

[solaced]

I'm the same way! I forget immediately any concerns I was having when I'm face to face with any doctor, not just therapists. I do get really bad headaches after a severe mood episode but I am prone to headaches so I never really considered a possible BPD connection.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by solaced

I do get really bad headaches after a severe mood episode but I am prone to headaches so I never really considered a possible BPD connection.

I don't get headaches normally, so I was able to make a connection. I also kept a record in my journal as to when these headaches occurred and each time they occurred with the anxiety I felt after leaving my T's office.

I'm beginning to realize now there's more here than just anxiety. I'm very angry and frustrated. I think I'm angry because I can't see him on a weekly basis. I'm seeing him free through a public clinic and he's an excellent therapist, but there are so few therapists in our area. I should be grateful I'm seeing anyone at all. But the hurt little kid in me just stomps her feet.