can a BPD be happily married?

ha ha ha ha ha! a heart like a swinging brick, huh? watch out, right! aww, yeah i can't let go for nothin, i hate being alone/feeling abandoned..but yet i'm always the one to push away and end the relationship ( before they can i guess), then i end up begging them to return, i'm a wreck, but what can you do??

Yes, that marriage gained me two beautiful children, so I regret nothing. The sad thing is he is the most brilliant man I know. He is a very, very intelligent mechanical engineer who can't keep a job because he can't pass a breathalyzer at work. Since I left him, he has added drugs to his alcoholism and has really fallen apart. I carry a lot of guilt for that. I tell myself he is a grown man who is responsible for himself, but at the same time I feel like I was all that was holding him together and I left him. But I can barely hold myself together, much less someone else. I could no longer bear the weight of his burden. Every time he lost a job, we had to pack up our lives and move. And every time we moved, I fell apart because I don't handle change very well. What I needed in order to function, like a stable home, he couldn't provide. And the support he needed from me to stop drinking, I couldn't provide. But he never really tried to stop, because he wouldn't admit it was a problem. I pushed him away and ran too. I do that a lot rather than taking the time to work through things.

that's awesome that you have 2 wonderful children, so always some good that comes out of the bad, huh? i'm sorry to hear he fell apart like this, it must be tearing you up inside to see this. but , like you say he is a grown man & responsible for his actions, i know what you mean about barely being able to hold yourself together ( i go through that daily it seems ) & then to have to hold someone else together too...hmm, that's probably a bit much, yeah , the first step is admitting there is a problem, if you can't do that you can't get help & constantly having to move, uproot the kids out of school and everything else, wow, that's a lot to go through ( as if we don't have enough to deal with being BPD) i guess some situations are harder to work through than others, but you know the situations that we go through, just made me wonder if it is at all possible to be happily married one day

Despite everything I've been through and am currently going through, I still think it's possible to be happily married. I strongly believe it is possible.

that's good to hear, very encouraging, i get really frustrated at times, but never give up hope, right?

Never give up! It is very possible. Before my current bf I went thru a train wreck of bad relationships. I left a sociopath 3 years ago and never looked back. He stayed with me because I was his punching bag. My bf and I have been together for 2 years and he's awesome!!! My bpd hardly comes out cause he's so super supportive. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him. A good relationship is so possible. :-)

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I'm in my 2nd year of marriage, so far he hasn't run away in terror lol

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Sorry, had to pop away. I guess the answer is be yourself! That's what I'm trying to be, others can get stuffed! For too long I've had poison people in my life so getting away from work, into the country and being with people I like/ love and trust. Very few! I don't understand the begging bit? You're better than that!!!!

Paul

Yes...............

Question should be can a BPD ***stay*** happily married.

hee hee, train wreck of bad relationships, huh? sounds a lot like me
sometimes i wonder if i'll ever get it right! but before not knowing that i have BPD at the time i think made things a lot worse, i'm hoping i can get to where my BPD hardly comes out ( that would be nice!) it is nice to know that a good relationship is possible, i tell ya i was really begining to wonder here glad you got out of that bad situation (never easy) maybe we have to go through the bad to appreciate the good?

2nd year huh, impressive, so what is it like? is it harder or easier than you thought it would be? it's great he hasn't run away in terror,i know 2 yrs isn't an extremely long time..but does it seem to get easier as the days go by?

i think being myself gets me into trouble sometimes!!, but what can you do, it's hard not to beg, the loneliness is unbearable at times,plus i miss the affection and attention

hee hee, so far i haven't even been able to get to the married part! let alone stay married, i feel like i keep blowing these relationships up before i'm even close! hee hee

I didn't expect to have another breakdown, but from that I have got the therapy I need and the knowledge that my husbands love is really unconditional I'm a very lucky women, I just need to enjoy him rather than fretting that he will one day hate me! We have grown stronger through this and for that I am truly grateful

you are indeed very lucky, unconditional love is so very hard to find these days.
at times it can be so hard to be happy with what we have and leave well enough alone. so i think we tend to find ways and excuses to push away ( at least i do!) i'm flying out to portland to see my ex next week to spend her birthday with her and try and work out this mess i created, i'm hoping that things do work out and we too can grow strongerand put all the bad stuff behind us.i'm glad you got the therapy you needed, cause it's tough without it,
i didn't know why i did they things i did but i have talked with her about my BPD and that helps a lot along with the therapy cause i sure need it hee hee

I have found that it is, at least the second time around. And that is because my wife lets me know she loves me, believes in me and always remembers the good about me, even when I am raging at her. She hears me out, usually brings me down and sometimes returns my fire with a little of her own - not anger but a strong dose of compassion combined with a defense of her steadfast loyalty to me and the marriage no matter what I've done. She is a strong, self-sufficient woman and still lets me know she is not going anywhere. Through 14 years encompassing 2 hospitalizations, suicide threats/attempts, self-injury, intense anger and depression, she is still here, strong as ever, for herself, for me and for our kids.

My wife has truly been my lifesaver and life preserver.

And when I do come down and stay there for a while, I try to give her as much love and support as possible.

It's wonderful you have found a love like that! my husband is very loyal, strong and compassionate and it really helps me.

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It is very possible. It may take a while and I never thought it was possible either after I went through a rough divorce about 6 years ago. But when you find the right person they will love you enough to deal with all of the complications. My current husband researched everything he could on BPD and knows possibly more than I do. He can tell when I'm about to have an episode before I realize it and suggests skills and coping methods to me. He's been a lifesaver for me in every possible way. Don't give up hope.

wow! that is amazing..we can be difficult to deal with, can't we hee hee.
i have to say that is truly wonderful & i hope i can be as fortunate as you some day, relationships have really been a nightmare for me

I will try my best not too, it's not easy though..but it is really nice to know it can be done. some times i do want to give up, but i keep hanging in there

Hello,

I have not taken the time to read through all the posts on this thread - so I apologize if I am repeating what someone may have already said - but I think it's important to remember not to think of anything in black and white terms. Us borderlines struggle enough as it is with it - let alone with our relationships. So I don't know if I agree with how you worded the question...

Perhaps you could rephraze the question as followa: "Given that there are no perfect marriages - is it possible to maintain a balanced and relatively healthy marriage - as a borderline sufferer?"

In saying that - I will put it simply: I believe that being borderline can provide for a marriage - similar to that of non borderlines. Whether it is considered a happy marriage or not is entirely subjective and dependant on what an individual considers is happy versus unhappy.

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

thank you so much for your input, while indeed it is important for us to remember not to think of things in black and white terms..that's the kicker, now isn't it? at least for me it is. i almost always think of things in black or white terms, so of course that makes things quite difficult.

so with that being said, i suppose what i am trying to get at is several things.
given our personality issues a) can we get married & stay married b) is it possible to get married and not have our personality issues destroy it or c) is it simply not possible because the personality issues are too great & it would be an exercise in futility d) would it be foolish on my part to someday hope to get married because of this?

i agree with you as far as the idea of a "happy marriage'" while each persons idea of a happy marriage is going to differ from individual to individual, i'm speaking on general terms. in a general sense of the term i would imagine some of the basic requirements of a happy marriage would be a sufficient amount of love and affection for each partner, a reasonable degree of financial stability for both partners, faithfulness/fidelity on both partner's end,
both partners sexual needs being satisfied, and the ability to communicate with each other and solve any difficulties/problems/issues that may arise as a team.

now i'm far from being an expert so i'm just offering my opinion on the matter.
again like you said, whether a marriage is happy or not is an entirely subjective term. my idea of a happy marriage may be completely different form yours and a third person may have a totally different view from either of us, so i couldn't agree with you more on that point.

I postponed responding to this topic because I honestly wasn't sure what I thought. Right now though, I would say that yes, we can be happily married. But it takes a lot of skill-building and a lot of mutual understanding and patience. Through DBT, I've learned how to tell him how I feel and why without placing the blame on him. And I feel like he has been more understanding with me and my mood swings and irritability. Things aren't perfect, but I feel like we've come a long way in the past year.

thank you so much for responding, i actually took a few days thinking about this topic before i posted it. but it was something that has really been on my mind,
especially because of my track record with relationships...with my BPD being as bad as it is, i just really started to wonder, it is good to know it can be done.
Obviously i'm going to need to work on myself a lot & have a very patient and understanding partner to be my wife..that's probably going to be a tall order! hee hee

Today is our 12th anniversary. Had a great day with my husband.