[Homerpalooza]

I've been lurking on this forum for a fair while now but only recently dared to join and have been debating posting anything because I feel like an imposter, having never been diagnosed with BPD, but with recent struggles and trying to put a name to what's wrong with me I've found it to fit a lot of things..this is going to be a long one, so I apologise.

Since I was a child I've been your stereotypical weird kid; from about three to thirteen or so I was just..well, very "off", I guess. Many symptoms of Aspergers though I was never diagnosed with it, used to be obsessed with routine and have to line toys in rows and stuff like that, would watch Disney films on perpetual repeat and make bar charts about what I liked.. And I was always incredibly sensitive to other people, not in the empathetic, understanding way, but in the "they smirked in a particular way, they hate me" way. I had the intense, unstable friendships back then but I guess that's just normative in childhood. I had this absolutely toxic obsession with failure; always been particularly academically successful despite an insane lack of common sense logic (couldn't tie my laces until about 11 ). Every time I did not meet my own standards, or sometimes when I was just upset for a random reason, I would repeatedly hit myself in the head, bang it on desks, that kind of thing. I probably cried almost literally every single day in school until about Year 8 (ages 12-13 for non-UK folk). I would constantly garner the hatred of those around me, once saying I would kill myself after getting a fairly average score on a test in Year 7, and was frequently bullied and ridiculed. I found the friendship of either similar outcasts or caring types in primary school; when secondary began I masochistically went around with the sort of people who would seek any opportunity to make fun of me. I would have insane anger outbursts and just attack people; I remember being shut in my form room and just screaming and banging on the door while everyone laughed... In addition during my childhood I exhibited some minor OCD-esque fixations; always had to step over any lines in any tiling or pavement I was on, had to have my clothes ordered in a specific way before I put them on, the aforementioned toy-line thing, tidied my room religiously, found new things to be worried about like the house burning down and that kind of thing. Had to do everything in a rigid, prescribed order, and was generally extremely fussy, though I wouldn't really think that to be indicative of anything major?

Almost every single day I would go back to my parents and say I'd had a terrible day with the repeated phrase "everyone hates me". They were, well, still are, possibly the most supportive and least antagonistic parents I could possibly hope for, which more than somewhat goes against the idea of BPD. My father has exhibited some of the symptoms, though his interpersonal relationships are fine and he is able to control anger but he can, I think, still identify with six or seven of them. My grandfather has a great deal of paranoia, thought that the "lights are against me" when returning from work, is perpetually depressed, filled with anger and used to be abusive with my father, his siblings and my grandmother; he would also demonstrate extreme swings in his perception of himself, sometimes threatening suicide when drunk and at other times considering himself a great provider and a perfect individual. Nowadays he spends the majority of his time watching football screaming at every perceived injustice like it is some unforgivable personal attack, as though a hand has reached out from the screen to slap him. I guess this could be a particularly outward-turning (anger triumphing over depression), almost wilfully ignorant manifestation of BPD symptoms.

Anyway, back to me, after a tempestuous childhood I turned thirteen, started playing guitar, and everything seemed to vanish! I was able to grasp on to this identity of guitarist, living and breathing the instrument despite initially sucking. I joined a band - which I am in to this day - and my school work continued very well; everything seemed to be going pretty well. Don't know if I mentioned this though it could probably have been inferred but I had tremendous difficulty making friendships, and that continued. However, I kind of latched on to one of the friends from my previous group, and since he was quite personable I found myself in friendship groups. I found myself mimicking his style of speech and mannerisms because I had never developed a concrete voice, a trait which he noticed and pointed out a couple of times, particularly on social media; even there I had to steal a type of communication. Now I had long considered myself straight (male by the way), but in my obsessive mimicking and wish to spend constant time with this guy I grew increasingly interested and that eventually culminated in some stuff going down, after which I was torn between extreme clinging, with many suicide threats, and great anger and bitterness. Other than with him I didn't really display such stuff in real life, but on the internet I befriended a group of people who lived a couple of hundred miles away. I told many of the female ones that I loved them and was into them, only to promptly drop those claims for some reason, I bludgeoned them with self hatred and ignored their problems, and it all came crashing down when a particularly vulnerable girl there who had been going through some tough times had ignored me one too many times and I just flipped, telling her she didn't understand how much ignoring me affected me - I had also worriedly asked her friend if she hated me after about two minutes of her being gone - and she ended up self harming as a result of that and I basically lost all of them, despite my multiple extremely long, self destroying apology messages. Since that stuff it was relatively okay until back in December; my friend started going out with a girl I had liked - but only through the internet once again, yay long distance - and I had a mini mental breakdown of sorts. Once again a plethora of suicide threats went to both of them, accusations of not caring, a great deal of passive aggression..I also had many severe dissociative episodes during this time and on boxing day was contemplating killing myself, told my friend and he phoned my parents, I ended up having a major panic attack, writhing on the floor screaming.

So stuff slightly picked up from such a low but I feel like I'm back to my pre 13 self, and it really feels like BPD fits that. I'm 17 now, and I strongly relate to 6 symptoms, and certainly have issues with the abandonment, interpersonal stability, and reckless behaviour. I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon - tomorrow, actually - and I'm wondering whether this is legitimate concern that I should ask about or if I should just see what is thought anyway. Other than the hitting myself I never engaged in "conventional" self harm until I'd actually read the BPD symptoms, but I guess I could chalk that down to trying to fit with some kind of identity, which is another symptom..it's just all so confusing and I feel like I'm faking it because other people have it way worse than me in terms of their past and general mood. Help?

[kaliope]

hi homer
I am glad that you are seeing a pdoc so that you can be properly diagnosed and get some help for yourself. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[ChaoticMess19]

Hi... glad you are getting some help... and glad you are here!

[littlemiss44]

Welcome! This is a very supportive place. Although we can't diagnose you, you do fit certain criterias. Yr pdoc will be able to properly give you a diagnosis. Welcome :-)

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[Homerpalooza]

I told him about my mood swings, he was just all "oh, hormones." He said that there was no way I could be depressed with the logic being that I'd bothered to come whereas someone with "real" depression wouldn't. I told him about suicidal ideation, but when I said I hadn't made any direct plans he basically said there was no problem. I feel completely invalidated, worthless and aimless.