[archer03]

I am wondering if I could have quiet BPD or at least many symptoms.
I suffer from depression which I take anti depressants for. I also have suffered quite severe anxiety over the years, to the point where I was having panic attacks fairly constantly a few years ago....the anti depressants have helped somewhat with both these symptoms. General and social anxiety have been issues. I still have mood swings though.

I have had symptoms of body dysmorphia, where I have struggled badly to deal with my image. I have obsessive thoughts, which I struggle to get rid of at times, and have especially image obsessions. I have general obsessions also

I make plans but struggle to stick with them as my self esteem varies quite a lot. I sometimes focus on the positives of what people have done for me but mostly I am occupied with what they have done that I dislike and I struggle to forgive. A family member did a very mild thing to annoy me, this, and the awkwardness of talking again has meant I haven’t spoken to him for years!

I seem to change my personality depending on the situation, a trivial example from growing up- I grew my hair long and listened to metal music but soon after shaved my head and listened to rap music. I’ve never been sure of what my personality is.... my goals in life and my values change fairly quickly. I always struggled with a sense of identity and I am very unsure about my purpose in life.I have suffered with paranoia also.

I can’t do things by halves. When I was bodybuilding I lifted intense weights. Decided my skin was flushing with certain food so cut most foods. I was then consuming less than 1000 calories per day and looked skeletal. Decided to abandon this after a while, so gained 26 kg in under a year. I need immediate reward or I struggle.
I have major fears of the future and whether I will be alone. I am easily set back.

I have a very mild gambling problem. Even if I don't have much money, I still may put £20 or £30 on a football match.

The major variations between me a typical borderline seem to be the fact that I’ve never self harmed and I don’t act out. I have suicidal thoughts frequently though. I feel angry inside a lot also.

There are other symptoms but just want to to give an outline. Despite these symptoms, on the surface I probably still appear fairly normal. I have not been diagnosed with anything apart from depression. I know though what I have is more than just anxiety and depression.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by archer03

I am wondering if I could have quiet BPD or at least many symptoms.
I suffer from depression which I take anti depressants for. I also have suffered quite severe anxiety over the years, to the point where I was having panic attacks fairly constantly a few years ago....the anti depressants have helped somewhat with both these symptoms. General and social anxiety have been issues. I still have mood swings though.

I have had symptoms of body dysmorphia, where I have struggled badly to deal with my image. I have obsessive thoughts, which I struggle to get rid of at times, and have especially image obsessions. I have general obsessions also

I make plans but struggle to stick with them as my self esteem varies quite a lot. I sometimes focus on the positives of what people have done for me but mostly I am occupied with what they have done that I dislike and I struggle to forgive. A family member did a very mild thing to annoy me, this, and the awkwardness of talking again has meant I haven’t spoken to him for years!

I seem to change my personality depending on the situation, a trivial example from growing up- I grew my hair long and listened to metal music but soon after shaved my head and listened to rap music. I’ve never been sure of what my personality is.... my goals in life and my values change fairly quickly. I always struggled with a sense of identity and I am very unsure about my purpose in life.I have suffered with paranoia also.

I can’t do things by halves. When I was bodybuilding I lifted intense weights. Decided my skin was flushing with certain food so cut most foods. I was then consuming less than 1000 calories per day and looked skeletal. Decided to abandon this after a while, so gained 26 kg in under a year. I need immediate reward or I struggle.
I have major fears of the future and whether I will be alone. I am easily set back.

I have a very mild gambling problem. Even if I don't have much money, I still may put £20 or £30 on a football match.

The major variations between me a typical borderline seem to be the fact that I’ve never self harmed and I don’t act out. I have suicidal thoughts frequently though. I feel angry inside a lot also.

There are other symptoms but just want to to give an outline. Despite these symptoms, on the surface I probably still appear fairly normal. I have not been diagnosed with anything apart from depression. I know though what I have is more than just anxiety and depression.

IMHO , this is just my take on it, i'm by no means an expert, but it's quite possible you have BPD or could be dual diagnosed. no two people are alike, i don't self harm by cutting or burning myself, but i have engaged in binge drinking,risky sex and i have a thing for speeding ( it gives me an intense adrenaline rush).

im not mean or manipulative at all, yet many people say us borderlines are. i may act out to get attention (i do that a lot). but i have never intentionally manipulated anyone, in fact..i'm the one that always seems to get used and abused & mistreated, when i can't take it anymore i lash out and explode.
i fall in love quite easily and it's very very intense, when i don't get the same back in return i go from idealizing to devaluing and i can't help it, i just want to be loved so bad.

struggling with identity and goals is definitely a symptom & the calorie thing and the gambling could be considered a form of self harm, just not physical.
loneliness and abandonment issues rank pretty high on the BPD scale if you ask me ( i have a horrible time letting go, even when i know i should and it's what's best for me)again i'm no expert, i'm just a guy with severe BPD trying 2 survive.

talk to a mental health expert and see what they say, but if you're having violent mood swings and they happen rapidly, feel empty at times and have a lot of relationship trouble and even more when it ends, there's a good chance
you're suffering from BPD also

[archer03]

Thanks for the feedback. When I hear reports of people with BPD, it just seems more extreme than my case. Ive never had violent mood swings, I'm highly placcid and quiet. Im unsure whether my natural genetic shyness is my reason for not acting out and not behaving like a stereotypical person with BPD. I feel highly angry a lot of the time but keep it to myself, and its frustrating. Everything with me, I keep bottled up.

Im generally quite cautious also. I feel I fit a lot of the BPD characteristics but I feel I take less risks in general, and don't act out. People wouldn't have a clue that I fit a lot of the BPD characteristics. Some people do struggle to understand me though.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by archer03

Thanks for the feedback. When I hear reports of people with BPD, it just seems more extreme than my case. Ive never had violent mood swings, I'm highly placcid and quiet. Im unsure whether my natural genetic shyness is my reason for not acting out and not behaving like a stereotypical person with BPD. I feel highly angry a lot of the time but keep it to myself, and its frustrating. Everything with me, I keep bottled up.

Im generally quite cautious also. I feel I fit a lot of the BPD characteristics but I feel I take less risks in general, and don't act out. People wouldn't have a clue that I fit a lot of the BPD characteristics. Some people do struggle to understand me though.

it's hard to say in your case, with me, mine is quite severe. i have a devil of a time controlling my emotions & when my moods swing, they swing i can go from happy go lucky to furious inferno in like less than 30 seconds, all it takes is one wrong word from a girl i love. it's a struggle. i'm doing better as of late.
paranoia ,abandonment and lack of attention have been my biggest issues to date lately though & the dreaded loneliness, but everyone is different. my moods have been up and down all day, i'm just along for the ride..hee hee

[archer03]

yeah yours does sound different to mine. When you say to a furious inferno, my moods can change quickly but I'm very good at putting on a front so people wouldn't really know.

Your major issues are similar to mine, although id say a major lack of self esteem, lack of identity, paranoia/anxiety are the main issues.

Have you being diagnosed, if so, how old was you? if you don't mind me asking.

I would say that I am passive/aggressive though and have flipped a few times but never violent. Its also rare ill do this and the worst ill do is verbally abuse or just throw something on the floor. They has to be a good reason also.

[misfit77]

Hi Archer,
I was recently diagnosed with BPD and your story sounds similar to mine. I have dealt with depression/anxiety since my early teens and been on pretty much every anti depressant. I have seen numerous psychiatrists but none had picked up on BPD until the one I saw recently. I went to him after one of my "crashes" wanting to know why I kept crashing. I wanted to know why anti-depressants seemed to work for a while then would stop and I would relapse (and when I mean stop-they weren't entirely helping during the "ok" periods-they just made life tolerable). He suspected BPD which was really shocking. He then did a through interview with me and diagnosed me with it. He said that the other psychiatrists and doctors I have seen May not have suspected it because I am nice...they liked me and thus didn't have see me as the stereotypical BPD patient.

When I was questioning if I had it before the official diagnosis my main thought was that I don't scream and yell and treat people like crap. I am quiet and all my hate and anger is internalized. And man am I angry! I just don't take it out on others-at least not on purpose. I am also a trained counsellor so I think I have also learned not to take it out on others.

I think there is the negative stereotypical view of what someone with BPD looks like and there are the other views. The psychiatrist told me that there are 9 criteria and you only need 5 to be diagnosed with it. Not everyone has the same criteria as each other. When you do the math there are thousands of combinations of it-and then you also take into account culture, life experience etc...it presents differently in everyone. I am a Canadian WASP from a middle class suburban family-I don't yell at people-I was raised not to (ok I do yell at my boyfriend when we get in fights and when I am really mad...but that's pretty much the exception). So I don't present like the mean, screaming stereotype of BPD.

I'm still learning about it. Though it's not a diagnosis I will readily be sharing with a lot of people, it is a diagnosis that now means hope. It means that through therapy I may be able to finally have some stability. So it's worth talking to a professional about it to see if you fit the criteria.

Hope my story helps. I related to a lot of what you said as well.
Take care,
misfit

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by archer03

yeah yours does sound different to mine. When you say to a furious inferno, my moods can change quickly but I'm very good at putting on a front so people wouldn't really know.

Your major issues are similar to mine, although id say a major lack of self esteem, lack of identity, paranoia/anxiety are the main issues.

Have you being diagnosed, if so, how old was you? if you don't mind me asking.

I would say that I am passive/aggressive though and have flipped a few times but never violent. Its also rare ill do this and the worst ill do is verbally abuse or just throw something on the floor. They has to be a good reason also.

i got diagnosed a little over a week ago, not quite two weeks, but i have been stuggling with this all my life, didn't quite know what was wrong, just knew something was wrong, i've never hit anyone or anything like that, but i have broken a glass or two, for some reason the sound of the glass breaking makes me feel better..i don't know if that makes any sense but that's just me!

[SkyWhite]

Hi. I'm also from Canada. I'm in the process of getting an official diagnosis from my psychiatrist, although my therapist and I are pretty certain I'm BPD. I have had all nine criteria quite seriously since I was a teen. I'm 50. But I am very, very quiet and stuff everything inside. I don't have the rages and outbursts that are attributed to BPD people. I think this is why I was never properly diagnosed. The sad thing is the quiet BPD seems to get the least amount of attention because we seem so normal and pleasant. What people don't realize is that there is a major storm in our heads most of the time.

I didn't know anything about BDP until I started researching it. I was appalled and had a major melt down when I saw all the horrible things said about people with this mental health problem. Some MH professionals won't even treat us because we're "too difficult." My therapist had to calm me down and do damage control after I found out all this.

The negative press on BPD has to stop.

[JadeAmethyst]

Maybe you are a quiet introvert more often than extrovert. Check out the Myers Briggs typology test, it is free and will give you some insights about personality and lots information you may enjoy.

good luck
Jade