[Maranara]

I have come to realize that my issues are more than BPD and I don't know where this would fit in. Obsessive/compulsive maybe? I don't know. I just wondered if anyone else does this.

If anyone shows me real kindness or love, at any real level, my mind latches on to them and NEVER lets go. The first crush I had in 7th grade I still think of regularly and have thought about trying to contact. My best friend in high school. She's told me that I'm a disturbed, sick individual who she is scared of and whom only wants to manipulate and blackmail her, but 30 years after high school I still contact her every few years hoping that she'll just talk to me. I scared her away. I pushed her away, and I feel the undying need to tell her what happened for my own sense of closure, but that will never happen.

It's not just these two people. It involves several others as well. I've had so few friends in my life.... I'm not a bad person. I would never hurt any of them, but I can't let go.

[The_little_didgee]

. . . . . .

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I have come to realize that my issues are more than BPD and I don't know where this would fit in. Obsessive/compulsive maybe? I don't know. I just wondered if anyone else does this.

It's not just these two people. It involves several others as well. I've had so few friends in my life.... I'm not a bad person. I would never hurt any of them, but I can't let go.

Of course you're not a bad person, you just feel your feelings very intensely in relationships, like most BPD.

Two of the 9 criteria for BPD has to do with relationships.
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Sounds like you fit with #1. I have this bad. I get obsessed with people (lots of crushes over the years). If I get the guy I cling so hard I end up pushing him away and he ends up thinking I'm nuts. It hurts like hell, I know.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by SkyWhite

Of course you're not a bad person, you just feel your feelings very intensely in relationships, like most BPD.

Two of the 9 criteria for BPD has to do with relationships.
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Sounds like you fit with #1. I have this bad. I get obsessed with people (lots of crushes over the years). If I get the guy I cling so hard I end up pushing him away and he ends up thinking I'm nuts. It hurts like hell, I know.

I know BPD well. I have all 9 traits. I've done the reading and studying. It's not so much the obsessive or fear of abandonment that bothers me as the length of time. It never goes away. I think it may be linked to my PTSD and messed up childhood. I don't know. I'm just trying to figure it out because it is taking it's toll on me.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I know BPD well. I have all 9 traits. I've done the reading and studying. It's not so much the obsessive or fear of abandonment that bothers me as the length of time. It never goes away. I think it may be linked to my PTSD and messed up childhood. I don't know. I'm just trying to figure it out because it is taking it's toll on me.

I think I understand. I also have PTSD and all 9 traits for BPD. Maybe the length of time might be because we have a hard time letting go of the person or event and it continues to come up kind of like a flash back. I "obsessed" for years over a guy who broke up with me in high school. The break up traumatized me severely (just one more trauma of many). I had dreams about him for years after. I'm now obsessing over someone I went out with before I met my husband of 10 years and actually thinking of friending him on Facebook --bad idea. That was another traumatizing breakup because I miscarried his baby and then he dumped me. These thoughts of past relationships seem to come up when I'm very stressed, which I am right now.

I'm glad you posted your concern because now I don't feel like the only one who experiences this.

[The_little_didgee]

. . . . . . .

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by SkyWhite

I think I understand. I also have PTSD and all 9 traits for BPD. Maybe the length of time might be because we have a hard time letting go of the person or event and it continues to come up kind of like a flash back. I "obsessed" for years over a guy who broke up with me in high school. The break up traumatized me severely (just one more trauma of many). I had dreams about him for years after. I'm now obsessing over someone I went out with before I met my husband of 10 years and actually thinking of friending him on Facebook --bad idea. That was another traumatizing breakup because I miscarried his baby and then he dumped me. These thoughts of past relationships seem to come up when I'm very stressed, which I am right now.

I'm glad you posted your concern because now I don't feel like the only one who experiences this.

My best friend in high school slept with my boyfriend, now my husband, and got pregnant. We didn't see each other for a number of years and then found each other again. I was overall okay with that separation. Then, when we met up again, I thought she was treating me badly though I've been told I was wrong, and pushed her away hard. All I want is a slight amount of closure. I want her to understand why and that I'm sorry, but I did a really good job and she thinks I'm demented and manipulative and will never talk to me again.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by Maranara

All I want is a slight amount of closure. I want her to understand why and that I'm sorry, but I did a really good job and she thinks I'm demented and manipulative and will never talk to me again.

Sadly, sometimes we can't have closure and it hurts, but we have to move on. If she has labeled you those horrible things it may not matter what you say to her. And if she's that mean spirited what does it matter.

Recently, like last week, I realized I have to focus on the people who love me and care about me instead of those who hurt me. Focusing on hurtful people and trying to explain yourself to them can cause us to mistrust everybody in the long run. At least that's how it is for me.

[Fuzzybear]

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I have come to realize that my issues are more than BPD and I don't know where this would fit in. Obsessive/compulsive maybe? I don't know. I just wondered if anyone else does this.

If anyone shows me real kindness or love, at any real level, my mind latches on to them and NEVER lets go. The first crush I had in 7th grade I still think of regularly and have thought about trying to contact. My best friend in high school. She's told me that I'm a disturbed, sick individual who she is scared of and whom only wants to manipulate and blackmail her, but 30 years after high school I still contact her every few years hoping that she'll just talk to me. I scared her away. I pushed her away, and I feel the undying need to tell her what happened for my own sense of closure, but that will never happen.

It's not just these two people. It involves several others as well. I've had so few friends in my life.... I'm not a bad person. I would never hurt any of them, but I can't let go.

i have an absolute terrible time letting go! i hate it!, i wish i could change it
i do the same thing..even with people that have done me wrongly, even though i should x them out of my life i just keep holding on and latching on,
it sucks..but you are not alone at all!

[crabbypatty]

This is something i am trying to do lately learn to let go , there are millions of things i need to let go of but mostly it is the neglected childhood i had.

i also recently (and have done this many times) developed a massive crush on someone and ended up involved with him and got very hurt. I can't let go off him but i am trying to. I am learning compassion to myself and teaching myself that this person was not right for me.

Originally Posted by SkyWhite

Recently, like last week, I realized I have to focus on the people who love me and care about me instead of those who hurt me. Focusing on hurtful people and trying to explain yourself to them can cause us to mistrust everybody in the long run. At least that's how it is for me.

This is also what i am trying to do to just focus on the positive good things i have , be around the people i know care about me and as soon as something makes me feel bad and triggers an intense emotion to just observe and understand what it is triggering.

But it is very hard to let go, i have had this crush for a long time and it doesn't even make me feel good, its consuming, suffocating and hurts badly.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I want her to understand why and that I'm sorry, but I did a really good job and she thinks I'm demented and manipulative and will never talk to me again.

It cannot be both ways but only your opinion can matter in your life. Right now, you are accepting that you "did a really good job" (and thus your girlfriend's accusations that you are demented and manipulative must be true) so you are not accepting that you had your reasons. You have to support yourself, no one outside you can. It was ugly of her to sleep with your boyfriend, that's not what best friends do, period. You pushed her away. How you pushed her away, whether it seemed to her that you were demented and manipulative, is neither here nor there. She can think what she wants; she was the one who was wrong in the first place and you did not want her in your "new"/future life with the same boyfriend/husband. She was a snake and there's no reason to trust her yet again (or maybe you were afraid to trust your husband since he, too, slept with her).

I would be sorry for how I pushed someone away, not "that" I pushed someone away. I would recognize that when I pushed them away the way I did, that was the best I could do at that time. Now, I have really good hindsight and can think of a couple ways I might have done things differently. But how I would do things differently implies other relationships in the future, not this snake near your husband now/ever again

Stick with yourself through an entire engagement. You pushed this person away for a reason and, though she may have changed (or not), why chance it? Accept you did not want her in your "new" life, that the threesome did not work before and had/has no reason to work now. She should be begging to apologize to you and then leave you and your husband alone. A marriage is hard enough without old girlfriends/boyfriends, etc. rearing their heads.