[andwedanced]

I am emotionally dependent on my boyfriend and I can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t stand being apart from him. I am literally like a child being separated from its mother. I need his constant attention or else I think he doesn’t care enough. If we don’t hear from each other every hour, I start getting restless and anxious. If he doesn’t reply within 5 minutes, i start panicking. I have an urge to know and control his every step and if I don’t, I immediately start asking myself what is he doing, is he with someone else, is he doing something behind my back. I question and analyse his each and every word and get upset over slightest things, I don’t believe a thing he says and he can’t even talk to me anymore. My energy, thoughts, time, focus, is all spent on him and I am just helplessly watching how I am ruining myself and our relationship. I cannot bear this 27/7 physical tension and anxiety that I have been experiencing for a very long time. I always fear that if I don’t have a complete control over him that he is going to betray me and hurt me, so I grab onto him, I don’t give him his space and look for confirmation and proof of his love every single minute, need his affection and attention all day, while being aware all along, that the way i behave will end up with the outcome i so much fear…being left. And still I can’t help it, because once i get this feeling of anxiety, restlessness, fear, frustration, anger, (so many feelings combined in one that I can’t even describe it) I can just watch myself drown in my own emotions, feeling helpless, because I don’t know how to stop it. This feeling can even be intrigued by a single thought of something that happened in the past, or didn’t happen at all. I am also morbidly jealous and see a treat in every female, I am even jealous of his past girlfriends and the fact that he was intimate with them. I am angry that he can have a good time without me, that he doesn’t need me, the way I need him.
Each time I freak out over something and rage at him, I tell myself that next time I will be able to control myself and stay calm. But even before I get the chance to do so, that “physical feeling” takes over me and doesn’t let me go until I get out that tension and emotional pain that I have been feeling and until it drained me of all my energy and left me sobbing, asking myself “when is this going to stop”.
He is doing all he can, but he is also at the edge and can’t take it anymore. He can’t meet my irrational demands and he lives in fear of what will happen if he doesn’t reply to my message within 10 minutes or if he doesn’t hear his phone, or if he visits some webpage that I do not approve of. And as soon as I am not being the centre of his attention, I feel rejected. If he tells me he would like to spend some time with his friends I feel as if I am not important and he is putting them over me. I made him delete all his female friends and just thinking of him being in contact with some female makes me panic and feel restless and anxious. It is so sickening and I can’t understand what is happening to me or why am I reacting the way I am, but the worst is not knowing how to stop it. I try looking for distraction but no matter what I do he is on my mind and thought of what he might be doing. I don’t want to lose him and yet all I do is push him away.
Any advice is appreciated.
Thank you

[ifst5]

I suppose the good thing is that you realise how seriously unhealthy this relationship is - and not just for you but for him too. You each deserve a life outside of each other and i'm afraid relationships only really survive if both members can reconcile themselves to that fact. I think professional help would be of tremendous help to you, perhaps even couples therapy as well if your partner is up to it. Outside of that, i would try and take smaller steps towards bettering your individual life. Do you think you could start by doing more things by yourself? What about joining some groups that interest you and begin to broaden your social circle? I realise that any kind of friendship or relationship can be tough when you have BPD but even if you're just making more of an effort to connect to the wider world - that's a good beginning. Eventually you might find that you actually quite like a degree of independence, you can make decisions for yourself based on what you want. In the right frame of mind that can feel empowering instead of daunting. But the decision has to be made by and for you - if you don't truly want to break this cycle there's not much anyone else can do. Keep posting, we'd be happy to listen and help in any way we can.

[moodycow]

hi andwedan welcome to pc. Great advice as usual IF. ) reading your post i was reminded of most of the relationships in my life and can honestly say you will regret it if you destroy this relationship you have recognised the problem to so that is the first step. you may never rid yourself of this problem completely but can certainly make improvements one step at a time , good luck we will help where we can or just listen when you need to let off steam

[andwedanced]

Hey, thank you for your advice. I am already going to counselling, but I am not sure it helps. She calms me and reasons me while I talk to her but as soon as I am out and find myself in one of the “upsetting” situations, I cannot keep myself calm. And I don’t think that drinking “warm milk” or taking a “hot bath” is going to help me when I get into one of my mood of anxiety and panic (that is what my therapist suggested I do). And I am not ready yet to start taking medication, because I don’t want to be a walking zombie or get addicted to it. It is so hard waking up and feeling this uncomfortable tension just waiting for him to text me, although it’s not even 9:00am. Yes I am very much aware of my problems, but I can’t understand why I feel the way I do, maybe it is just fear, but fear of what? But yeh, I still hope that one day I am just going get up and feel “normal” again.

[andwedanced]

Thanks moodycow I didn’t have difficulties recognising my problem, but i have difficulties at solving them J

It is also difficult since he started losing his temper and snapping at me for no matter what I say. I mean I don’t blame him and I understand him, he has been standing this torture for 7 months already, but his behaviour doesn’t help me recover or treat him better, right now i just find it unfair from his side. And he repeating that "he can't go on like this anymore" doesn't help at all . I don’t even know if there is still time to fix this relationship or if the damage is done. I guess I shall wait and see…

I am also thinking if we should distance ourselves from each other for a while, but just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach :S