[lifelies]

Hi everyone.
So I lost my virginity a few hours ago to a guy I met on a social network. He's 19, and he's a neighbour of mine (I didn't know he is bisexual).
He's so damn beautiful, he's the most perfect creature in this whole world. I know him very little but I'm completely in love with his looks, and I'm starting to fall for him.
I told him I was looking for a potential reltionship besides sex, and he said he wasn't really looking for that, basically because he's not came out yet and he's afraid of people knowing he's bisexual.
So we agreed to be friends with benefits, and we're probably going to meet every now and then (not just for sex).
I'm falling for him so bad. I miss him so damn much, I miss kissing him, I miss feeling his body, I miss every single bit of that. I miss his smell. His smell still lingers on my bedroom. Every breath I take makes me miss him more.
The thing is: I obviously want to date him. But I guess I'll just hope he falls for me. If he doesn't, at least I'll still have a friends with benefits and will get to make out and have sex with him, which is better than nothing at all.
Do any of you have experience with situations like this? I've already gotten so attached to him. What do you think I should do?
I just miss him and the thought of loosing him terrifies me to death.
Hugs,
Tom

I have some experience with this.

I fell for a guy who wasn't looking for anything serious, and originally I wasn't looking for a relationship from him either. But he convinced me to open up to him about personal things (for what reason I don't know) and I guess I fell for him after that, only for him to tell me he wasn't interested in me in that way. I saw him casually for four months or so.

Just because it might end badly and you're already attached to him I don't recommend expecting him to change his mind about dating, and if that's what you're hoping for it might be better to tell him that it's better to end things. For me personally at least, I'm not content with casually being with someone after I develop feelings for them, so I only say this to protect you. Ultimately you have to decide what feels right, though. If you think you can remain in a friends with benefits situation with him without getting hurt then I say go for it. You should talk to him again if that's not what you truly want.

I hope this helps.

Honestly, he's 19 and using you for sex and I'm afraid you'll just go ahead and let him use you because you are dreaming he's actually going to feel more for you than he does. I hope you'll have more respect for yourself than to continue doing this just for the dream he might have a change of heart. I hate to see young people do this to themselves.

[lifelies]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Honestly, he's 19 and using you for sex and I'm afraid you'll just go ahead and let him use you because you are dreaming he's actually going to feel more for you than he does. I hope you'll have more respect for yourself than to continue doing this just for the dream he might have a change of heart. I hate to see young people do this to themselves.

He's not using me.
You don't know anything about him, don't say he's using me because he's not.
He's so perfect, he could get people much better than me.

Originally Posted by lifelies

He's so perfect, he could get people much better than me.

He's not perfect. No one is.

[ifst5]

Originally Posted by lifelies

He's not using me.
You don't know anything about him, don't say he's using me because he's not.
He's so perfect, he could get people much better than me.

I think this poster was just trying to remind you to be careful of your expectations, this person has said they don't want a relationship; so nothing you can say or do is likely to change to that. You might think it's a good idea now to get the very most from them you can, but if you risk your feelings intensifying only to be met with continued rejection - only you will get hurt. No one can stop you in this endeavour or be responsible for the consequences, but we can be here to support you in making healthier choices.

[Trippin2.0]

A FWB can only work out well if that's what BOTH parties want EQUALLY.

The moment there's a huge difference in feelings, expectations and so forth, one of the friends are doomed for misery and heartache.

And you're already smitten after 1 encounter...

Firstly, the friend who's in it for non-complicated sex, he will not think twice about dating and possibly having sex with other partners. Unless its agreed that you 2 remain exclusive, which I don't see happening. Just doesn't make sense under the circumstances.

This means the partner who's in it for the hope he falls for me, is forced to watch their FWB date other women and or men, and they have NO grounds on which to object. And the minute you do object? BAM no more FWB for you because you broke the rules and are clearly attached so your "friend" walks.

Secondly... he's nowhere near out of the closet, so you'll also be forced into the closet while around him in public or in a group setting. Lest you blow his cover. Which I doubt he would appreciate at all.

Thirdly... Since he's in the closet and that's the reason he suggested a FWB setup, I really doubt he's gonna ever give you the happy ending you dream of. If he's reason was, "I'm not in the right space for a relationship", or something like that, then there may have been hope. But if the reason is, "nobody knows I like boys too", and there's no "yet" attached at the end of that sentence? Well then developing any tangible feelings for you, will probably have him underneath a girl in no time.

Harsh, I know, but I call it like I see it.

Last but not least: Being at a huge power play disadvantage.

The smitten partner who's like a love struck puppy, going along with a FWB arrangement for reasons other than regular no strings attached sex is at a huge disadvantage emotionally and mentally. If they get involved with the wrong "friend" they stand the chance of being puppeteered, strung along, and kept on the hook.

Not saying your neighbour will do this, then again you don't know him well, so you don't know that he won't. Its just a fair warning of what could happen in a FWB situation when one is smitten and the other is in it for a good time.

I sound like I'm anti-fwb, rest assured I am not. I have had 2 FWB, both worked out fine. But that's because both times my friend (and I don't use "apostrophes" when referencing my friends because they were / are actual friends of mine) and I were very honest and sincere about our wants and expectations.

Overall a FWB can be a mutually fullfilling arrangement, but in your case, speaking from someone who knows, you're looking for trouble. Because you will get hurt, whether someone inflicts the pain or not.

Best way to get a feel for the future with him?

Tell him you've thought about it, and doubt its a good idea. Say you still wanna be friends and hang out with him, but no sex, and in future WHEN he comes out of the closet, you will be willing to give a relationship with him a chance.

His reaction to that ^ will speak volumes.

[waiting4]

I totally agree with Trippin and only add two things:

1) your comment that he could get 'way better than you', makes me feel your self-esteem isn't the strongest. If you're that vulnerable, then you WILL get hurt, make no mistake. There is definately an uneven leveling of power between you two.

2) Since he's NOT out of the closet, what you will end up becoming is his 'beard'....that is someone who 'dates' someone who is gay to provide them with cover. So no one they really care about knows they are gay. This is an empty, and ultimately painful relationship to be in...the satisfaction in this case, will be all his, and as soon as he doesn't need his 'beard'....he'll shave you off in a heartbeat.

Take care

[Kimaya]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Best way to get a feel for the future with him?

Tell him you've thought about it, and doubt its a good idea. Say you still wanna be friends and hang out with him, but no sex, and in future WHEN he comes out of the closet, you will be willing to give a relationship with him a chance.

His reaction to that ^ will speak volumes.

^Good advice.

Remember also that BPD often switch between idealizing and devaluing... you have really strong positive emotions right now for a reason.