I don't know if this is a bpd trait or if anyone can relate to this, but I feel like I need to get this out. I'm not close to anyone anymore in my life. I have not been close with any family in years...especially the ones I use to have a great bond with...which is most of my mom's side like my grandparents/aunt/uncle/younger cousins. We use to all be really close and then the year I turned 16 my parents and I moved about two hours away and I feel like there is an awkwardness and disconnect there now that will never be restored. I just feel almost no emotion there and when I do it's some sort of anger/sadness. They have maintained the closeness between all of them though. I can't stand family functions and holidays. The awkward conversations and hugs and kisses...the fake smile and laughter on my end to maintain the facade of happiness for them so they don't worry. My aunt and uncle tell me not to be a stranger and that I should come visit and stay with them. All I can do on my face is say okay and smile, but all that is going through my head is anger at the fact they expect that from me to maintain our relationship but have not ever really tried reaching out to me or cared to just come up and see me or call me. Any friendships I have had are no longer there. I look back and can't remember how they ended besides just somehow fading away. I think more on my part than anything. I have this wall of disconnect with seemingly everyone now. Anyone that has been in my life and anyone new. Like something isn't clicking like it seemed to do so years ago. My bulimia, that I'm trying to recover from, means more to me than anyone. I'm getting back into school now and serious about it now at 24...but I'm mad too because I'm the big disappointment in my family and I can't stand the fact that for some reason they see me as this great person with a big heart and so much good when I haven't done a thing with my life and for anyone besides hurting and disappointing the people around me that expected more from me by now. Why can't they see they would be better off without me?? I don't know what I expect from posting this...venting was needed I guess.

Am sorry u feel this way xxxx I think it sounds like similar bpd traits I have though so I understand you xxxx

Originally Posted by muaythailady88

Am sorry u feel this way xxxx I think it sounds like similar bpd traits I have though so I understand you xxxx

Thank you. I'm glad, but sorry you can relate to my feelings/thoughts (lol) if that makes any sense. I miss these people, but at the same time I can't stand them. If they knew the real me..my real emotions..my darkness, which there seems to be more of than light now..I don't know what they would even think. The superficial lie that they believe is me is probably the best thing to maintain with everybody.

Originally Posted by kneehole

Thank you. I'm glad, but sorry you can relate to my feelings/thoughts (lol) if that makes any sense. I miss these people, but at the same time I can't stand them. If they knew the real me..my real emotions..my darkness, which there seems to be more of than light now..I don't know what they would even think. The superficial lie that they believe is me is probably the best thing to maintain with everybody.

In a way I think we use this mask as a form if self defence to stop our inner feeling from bein torn outta us, with us being emotionally raw sensitive beings anyway ! I hope though u can cope better than than I can lol think mines taken over me and so am seen as the snappy one anyway with no brain mouth filter anyway hehe xxxx