Ridiculous attachment to my support worker.

I attend a mental health charity centre on most weekdays and have started to volunteer there. I really love being there amongst other service users and a small team of really dedicated staff.

I have become very attached to one support worker who is also a psychotherapist. She has helped me hugely and I really feel a lot of love for her. Transference BS has been a pattern through my life and I'm not even sure what this is, possibly maternal transference? I want to make her proud of me, protect her, hug her and be important to her.

I'm aware that I can have black and white thinking a lot of the time, but she is so lovely, kind of perfect really. She makes me laugh, calms me, teaches me important stuff that nobody else has and gives the best hugs. I would quite happily just sit next to her all day. I feel her energy when she walks in the room and feel really sad if I don't get to see her. I absolutely hate this feeling, because she has made it clear that she likes and cares about me, but doesn't love me.

BPD, ******* BPD. I don't want to feel this way. The manager of the centre has suggested I spend time with another support worker, but I've found avoidance doesn't work at all with me. Speaking of which, I'm meant to be going in tomorrow and I feel like hiding. I know this is inappropriate and slightly bizarre, but I can't shake this amazing / awful feeling when I'm with her.

She is extremely open to discussing my feelings, but there's only so many times I can sit in front of her or the manager and pour my tragic heart out to them. I want to work through it, but I've never been able to before, I just cut and run.

Anybody experienced this type of thing? How did you work through it? This really hurts and makes me feel like an idiot.

I have had at least 8 experiences similar to this.

I'm trying right now, with the 8th time, to figure this out. It gets a little frustrating that the person that can and wants to help me is the object of my attraction.

I hear what you are saying. It seems almost like "loving" attachments have been obsessions to the Nth degree. Oh, the bliss of loving them and hating them this drives them and me to crash and burn eventually. But/and at least we know this about ourselves now, and that is hugely helpful.

love, and I mean the best kind.
to all.

Jade

Thanks for replying Think I'm finding it particularly difficult because she has been the person I've gone to when I've had emotional overload before. Achy Turtle, hope you find some answers and peace x

I can speak from the other side-From the point of view of the worker, as I am also in social services. Often people attach to us because we often "have all the answers". The vast majority of us are in helping professions because we truly care about others and can demonstrate that in our jobs. We are also trained to know what to say and how to say it. We don't judge, we listen and are always there. So often, clients attach to us, see us as friends.

This can create big problems however. Your worker most likely generally cares and is concerned for you. But they will set up boundaries and if they see you crossing them they should enforce them. This is for your own good, but also for theirs. I have had BPD clients, before I knew I had BPD and they can be very draining. What is always hardest for me as a counsellor is when my clients act like they are my only client. I end up with some resentment towards them because I feel that they should see that I have other clients that also need my help (that is something I have to work on-part of healthy boundaries is not letting clients 'get to me"...but I also have BPD so...).

Things that may help you is to realize that your worker does genuinely care, however they are human and are doing a job (not trying to say they are "faking" being nice to you-but it is their job to help). If you attach to much it is not good for you or the worker and they will see that and enforce their boundaries).

I don't know if that helps or not-just thought perspective from the other side might help :-)

I seriously wish I could be as attached to my husband as I am to my therapist. It is awful. I feel like I am being ripped apart.

Thank you, it is interesting to hear the situation from the other side. I would hate to think that I leave her feeling drained.

Also interesting that you have BPD too. I never form these sorts of attachments to people I am helping, just women who are supporting or helping me. Just wish I hadn't said anything and just squished it down because I feel she is putting up defences and that hurts. I also don't want to be having tantrums about it. Practicing mindfulness and trying my best not to self harm, but the disgust I feel for myself being 'weird' (in my eyes) gives me powerful and impulsive urges. This situation is difficult enough, without the fact that I have started volunteering and I'm there a lot and feel apologetic for even being in the building.

Today I was walking through the town centre at lunch and I suddenly realised she was walking a few paces in front of me and I quickly turned around and went in the other direction. Felt so embarrassed for even being there. Do you think I should just keep going and see what happens? Can't tell you how much I want to stay at home and not leave.

I suppose this depends on what you feel you can do to appreciate this relationship as it stands. Do you think you can successfully introduce more clear and firm boundaries? My concern for you would be leaving this volunteer position altogether if this issue is not appropriately addressed. It sounds like a wonderful organization to be part of and i think it's one of the saddest aspects of having BPD - we very rarely meet the kind of people who impact upon us so electrically. But when the circumstances don't align we're left feeling horrendous, stripped of yet another chance to feel that wonderful and valued. I hope you can create a healthier more balanced relationship between this person and yourself - you're right in that avoidance rarely gives us the cognitive satisfaction we need and can often times lead to more negative situations that we reflect upon sadly.

Fantastic reply thank you ifst5 x

Holy crap! Me too. What's worse is that I don't tell my H when I see my T because he tries telling me that we can't afford it. I'm the only one working in the house for quite some time.

I have the same problem. It's a coworker at my place of work that keeps me grounded. I can go to him for practically anything - he always knows what to say and calms me down. He gets me to talk when I find myself unable to talk. But this is all through texts... I literally cannot speak sometimes, and he is able to get stuff out of me by texting. If I'm at work and say nothing, as soon as he leaves I get a text - what's up... etc... Come on out with it...... etc. I don't exactly know what to do or how to handle it. Since I met him and worked with him closely overnights, I have feelings for him.... I just recently got up the courage to ask him out, and before I could - he said that he has to go see his girlfriend that he hasn't seen in a while. It took me eight days to get over that, and I am still awkward around him now, and I feel as if I can't trust him... But I want to, he's like one of the only people at work that I can trust. I feel stuck.... I hate that feeling!

That sucks.

Just wish I hadn't said anything and just squished it down because I feel she is putting up defences and that hurts. I also don't want to be having tantrums about it. Practicing mindfulness and trying my best not to self harm, but the disgust I feel for myself being 'weird' (in my eyes) gives me powerful and impulsive urges. This situation is difficult enough, without the fact that I have started volunteering and I'm there a lot and feel apologetic for even being in the building.

Today I was walking through the town centre at lunch and I suddenly realised she was walking a few paces in front of me and I quickly turned around and went in the other direction. Felt so embarrassed for even being there. Do you think I should just keep going and see what happens? Can't tell you how much I want to stay at home and not leave.[/quote]

-The key thing to remember is she is a trained professional. If she understands BPD she will know that your attachment to her is part of the disorder. If she pulls away she isn't just doing it for her benefit, she's doing it for YOUR benefit. Trust me on that one. People in helping professions usually take a client centred approach which means they empower the client. If they feel the client is getting to attached they will pull away, because it's not good for a client to become too attached...it's not empowering. So, do your best not to take it personally (I know that is very hard when you have BPD).
Misfit

Think I've turned a bit of a corner in the last couple of days. Feel really relieved that I'm not actually being treated any differently and it's better to have the current working relationship I have with my sw than nothing at all. It's still a bummer that we get on so well in some ways, but I learn such a lot from her, I'm going to stick with it and hopefully keep moving forwards. It's been such a long time since I've met anybody like her, I just need to concentrate on what I've got, rather than haven't got. (Did I just write that, phew..) Thanks for all of your replies, they've really helped me to sort out the jumble in my mind. Good luck to any of you going through the same thing too xx

Zombie Paloma, do you see another person regularly, like a therapist, that you could discuss this with? I definitely understand the crazy obessesive attachement thing, and how painful it is. Does the worker or anyone else at the center know you have BPD? I think if it is possible, it is important to look beyond the person that is the worker you have attached too. I know it is hard, because when you are obsessively attached, it is difficult to see beyond the person, but I would think it is a good idea to take a look underneath this and see what is driving it. What need does this person meet for you? And in what ways can you seek to provide this in either a different way, or by yourself? The trouble with getting another person involved in meeting a need is that 1) they might not agree with helping you meet this need and might not want to and 2) they will not always be there to help with getting this need met

So I would urge you to find out what the need is, and how else you might seek to meet it. Just things I'm needing to work on also Best of luck and hugs

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and with really helpful suggestions. I've always been really honest with the staff about my BPD and they have a really good knowledge about the disorder and the chaos that it can create in the sufferer's mind. The other staff are fab too and I have started to spend a bit more time with them. I have had counselling before and explored the root of my attachment issues, but never really felt that I have effectively learned from past disasters. I feel with my current sw that I have at least I have a chance of exploring coping strategies and a possible resolution without being treated like a freak.

Sending a big hug back, hope you find a way through xx

Well please share if you found out what it was for you that causes this because it is something I struggle with also I think it's great she knows you struggle with BPD, maybe she can be the one that helps you heal the past, or at least a piece of it.

Wow, this is tough. Really not a happy camper today. I feel like throwing a tantrum and crying for hours. Whenever I make some good progress, my brain goes into revolt. Gah!