[serolod]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. So please bear with me as it will be long.

A tiny bit of background. Ever since I can remember I'd form these intense attachments to certain people. It was only after a terrible painful experience 9 yrs ago that I started to realize this was not the way to have healthy relationships. Actually, I've been working on it and many other issues for probably the last 9 or 10 years. But anyway, this only happens with females. Reading through the posts I see it usually happens with a member of the opposite sex, but it's not like that for me. It's not romantic for me at all and it's always with females, when I was younger it was older females and now it's people my own age... so friends.

Anyway, after that painful experience 9yrs ago I pretty much shut down completely and stopped making friends. I just wanted nothing to do with anyone b/c I knew I'd end up getting hurt as usual. But I got tired of feeling numb and I became this bitter angry person that I didn't like so I started to open up a bit a couple of years ago.

I'm figuring out ways of coping with not getting attached to people, but it's a difficult balancing act. I think getting attached is normal but getting crazy attached, dependent and obsessed is not, so I'm like a rubberband... I get close, drift away, get close, drift away... a little exhausting but it'd been working ok for a while. I would keep enough distance but not too much that I started not caring, then I'd get close and still try to be a good friend but not so much that it'd be ovewhelming for them. It didn't work all the time, but all in all it's not too bad.

Now I thought it was going ok but now I met some new friends, a husband and wife, and I'm starting to get really close to the girl. We seem to be simlilar in a lot of ways and very different in others, but she's really nice and she's shown that she really likes me as well. I've been keeping my distance trying not to have things become too ovewhelming. I'm pretty sure this friendship is real and we can be really good friends (if I don't mess it up!). But ... there are 2 "buts":

#1. It's hard to know where to draw the line... what's too much? Am I being too intense or just a good friend? If I do something or say something, is that a "normal" thing to say or do?

#2, and this is the hardest one for me right now... she's not from this country and there's a big possibility of her moving back to her own country at some point. This terrifies me completely and makes me want to distance myself from her. It took me years to get over the loss of my previous failed friendships... I don't want to go through that again, I don't want to get close and then have her leave. I don't want to feel those crazy intense emotions again especially since after so long I feel like I have my emotions in check (more or less). I'm terrified of falling back into that dark hole I used to be in.

I've almost shared this with her (the fact that I'm afraid to get close to her b/c she might leave) but I don't want to sound like a total weirdo. She might get it bc it sounds like she's had her share of disappointing friendships in the past as well as some issues growing up. But again, I don't know if discussing this would be appropriate or not.

If you read this far I thank you. I'm not sure what I'm expecting as responses but I just don't know what to do.

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, serolod.

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries | Psych Central

I wish you well.

[zombie paloma]

I've posted something recently on this forum about my attachments. It is a confusing and frightening experience to be so wrapped up in one person that they could make or break your day (or year). If you isolate yourself from people over what 'might' happen, it sounds like you may be punishing yourself. In our modern, digital age, it's possible to have fulfilling relationships with people in other countries too. But I do feel your pain! In my case, I'm trying to stay honest, mindful and consistent with the person I feel attached to. It's uncomfortable, but I'm not going to get better at relationships by isolating myself.

Wishing you luck x

[serolod]

@glok, thanks for the link, I will make sure I read it

@zombie paloma, I did read your posts. It sounds like you're very aware of your feelings... I'm trying and working on being very aware about these feelings as well and working through them.

You're absolutely right about not isolating myself just because of what "might" happen. I've been working on that for the last couple of years. It's still scary, but I feel like I'm getting better. I don't want to miss out on a friendship even if it doesn't last "forever" as in my mind it should, but I guess nothing really lasts forever anyway.

Thank you both.

[Uprwestsdr]

I hope you don't think relationships are easy for anyone, including supposed "normal" folks. I don't think there's anything harder than struggling to communicate, to share and receive love. As the years pile up we come to a relationship with defenses and a U-Haul of baggage. There are a few people who are happily involved with one other person for decades of our lives, but they are the minority.

Men and women think differently, view the world from different perspectives. Just continue doing your best, be willing to love and be loved, and, if you're lucky, the right person will show up. So we all struggle.

[moodycow]

welcome to pc serelod

[serolod]

Thank you guys!

Yeah, I don't think relationship are easy for anybody... but I feel like they're more intense for me, at least filled with more emotions, but I don't really know I guess. I'm trying to have relationships where my expectations are not completely unrealistic and I don't end up exhausting the other person or saying/doing things that are too "weird" for them, like getting too close. At the same time I don't want it to be so emotionally draining for me but I still want to keep them in my life.

Writing that all out makes my relationships sound exhausting. lol.

[ifst5]

Originally Posted by serolod

but I guess nothing really lasts forever anyway.

This is an important point. And of course it's also healthy to remember that even when friendships end it can be done amicably. Even if they don't work out that way you can still appreciate the better times. In fact doing the latter has helped me out tremendously. I had a really close friendship end terribly - no closure, nothing. But instead of feeling bitter or entertaining the idea of reconciliation i thought about the really good times we had and not only did it make me feel better it made me realise that i won't necessarily be denied those good times with someone new. I gave myself closure with that situation and took the shine off something i think is taken too seriously at times. Humans are fallible creatures, we make a lot of mistakes and have a hard enough time understanding ourselves let alone others - so enjoy friendships as and when they happen but don't give in to the way of thinking that they can be tied down, set in stone, or locked away safely forever. It's just not how it works. I think if the attitudes towards friendships shifted slightly we'd all be a bit better off. These days i'm happier not getting as involved in other people - but sometimes you do anyway and while i give myself over to the experience i keep my feet firmly on the ground and in doing so save myself a lot of trouble. I hope you can find a perspective on friendships that helps you too

[angelicgoldfish05]

So you had a painful experience with this before, 9 years ago as you say. It makes sense to me that you are being cautious about this new friendship, especially if you are hopeful about it. It is so painful to be hopeful about a person or anything else in life working out, and then to have it go badly (yet again). I think with relationships, in my life I have kept others away for the past couple years. I just know I don't have the energy needed to give others so well so I am keeping my distance. But it make me think of how we do need relationships, how we need others in our lives. It is like food, we need to eat. Well I wonder if, like a child who has been neglected will hoard food and have acting out behaviors surrounding food and eating, if it isn't similar in relationships. Maybe, for whatever reason, a person wants to hoard the relationship and has acting out behaviors (wanting to contact frequently is one) surrounding this because they are so starved for relationship, and also so fearful that they will never have it again.
That's what reading your post made me think of - a person who has been starved for a relationship and yet is fearful of the relational cupboard being empty in the future and not ever being able to be satisfied or get enough. Maybe i'm way off and just reading into it what my own situation is though and if so I apologize. I hope you are able to find some other fulfilling relationships also, so it's not all on the one friend, because that could be devastating if you put it all on that and it goes not so well in the future. Hoping for the best for you! Hugs

[serolod]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

So you had a painful experience with this before, 9 years ago as you say. It makes sense to me that you are being cautious about this new friendship, especially if you are hopeful about it. It is so painful to be hopeful about a person or anything else in life working out, and then to have it go badly (yet again). I think with relationships, in my life I have kept others away for the past couple years. I just know I don't have the energy needed to give others so well so I am keeping my distance. But it make me think of how we do need relationships, how we need others in our lives. It is like food, we need to eat. Well I wonder if, like a child who has been neglected will hoard food and have acting out behaviors surrounding food and eating, if it isn't similar in relationships. Maybe, for whatever reason, a person wants to hoard the relationship and has acting out behaviors (wanting to contact frequently is one) surrounding this because they are so starved for relationship, and also so fearful that they will never have it again.
That's what reading your post made me think of - a person who has been starved for a relationship and yet is fearful of the relational cupboard being empty in the future and not ever being able to be satisfied or get enough. Maybe i'm way off and just reading into it what my own situation is though and if so I apologize. I hope you are able to find some other fulfilling relationships also, so it's not all on the one friend, because that could be devastating if you put it all on that and it goes not so well in the future. Hoping for the best for you! Hugs

Actually, you're right on. I'm actually really struggling with "wanting to contact frequently" right now so it's interesting you'd mention that. I've contacted her pretty much every day this week in one way or another and that's me trying to hold back. I stayed away and kept my distance from everyone for years so I definitely feel the need for a friendship again. Right now I have another good friend... and my relationship with her is pretty healthy I think so it's good I'm not putting it all on just one person.