[Ithilanar]

Does any of you experience a different kind of borderline where you do not experience the symptoms in relations to strangers or other less important people in your life, but only towards the very closest and most important people? I am thinking about the black/white thinking, the push/pull mechanism, the mood swings and the instability and so forth.

The thing is, normally I am very closed off and avoidant with most 'friends' (not that I have many as I rarely let people close or they rarely live up to my rigid standards), and losing them or being let down only seem to make me more avoidant and even more emotionally cut off. However, if I let someone close and beyond my walls, like in a relationship where I need to trust, love and be honest with this person, everything just breaks into chaos - mood swings, depression, paranoia (about reciprocation), feelings of worthlessness, self-harm tendencies, suicidal thoughts, everything. But completely private and hidden from the outside world (except from the person with whom I am in a relationship with).

This is mainly why I both relate and don't relate with the borderline PD diagnosis. I become an entirely different person when in a relationship, someone fragile, vulnerable, almost childlike who constantly picks on themselves and attempts to both be worthy enough of the other person's love or punishes themselves when they think they're not and easily breaking into tears. It's highly confusing. I feel like two completely different individuals.

Does anyone else experience this at all?

[Trippin2.0]

Me me me me me me!!!!!!!

*Phew * Wipes brow dramatically



Nice to meet you, wow, someone like me hey

Uhm, I'm a "different borderline" its why we (pdoc/ T and I) can't decide whether I have traits or a fullblown disorder. See when it comes to bf, there has been much chaos and disorder, even close friends/relatives, albeit on a different scale... but when I was single (and bare in mind bf and I had an on off thing for 3 years so I was single a few times even while "with" him) VOILA no BPD, its like I'm cured and set free from all the turmoil love brings. Ok ok.... not cured, the thoughts and reactions are still skewed, but the impulse is just not as strong and I can actually reel myself in pretty effectively when single.

Sorry I ramble sometimes, sometimes its because my bipolar has morphed me into a motor mouth, sometimes its because I haven't spoken in days and sometimes I'm just plain excited! ( I think its the 2 latter options right now).

Wowww, someone like me, I mean I love the folks here (I do love you all terribly, I do ) but I honestly do sometimes feel like an outsider because I only have fullblown BPD issues within very specific contexts / relationships.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Ithilanar

Does any of you experience a different kind of borderline where you do not experience the symptoms in relations to strangers or other less important people in your life, but only towards the very closest and most important people? I am thinking about the black/white thinking, the push/pull mechanism, the mood swings and the instability and so forth.

The thing is, normally I am very closed off and avoidant with most 'friends' (not that I have many as I rarely let people close or they rarely live up to my rigid standards), and losing them or being let down only seem to make me more avoidant and even more emotionally cut off. However, if I let someone close and beyond my walls, like in a relationship where I need to trust, love and be honest with this person, everything just breaks into chaos - mood swings, depression, paranoia (about reciprocation), feelings of worthlessness, self-harm tendencies, suicidal thoughts, everything. But completely private and hidden from the outside world (except from the person with whom I am in a relationship with).

This is mainly why I both relate and don't relate with the borderline PD diagnosis. I become an entirely different person when in a relationship, someone fragile, vulnerable, almost childlike who constantly picks on themselves and attempts to both be worthy enough of the other person's love or punishes themselves when they think they're not and easily breaking into tears. It's highly confusing. I feel like two completely different individuals.

Does anyone else experience this at all?

absolutely! people that i m not romantically involved with don't affect me nearly as bad. it's much more intense when there are feelings involved for me,
even if i'm not in "a relationship" with the person, if i like them/they like me..if we have been intimate or are on that path..where as strictly platonic relationships have very little effect whatsoever. the events of the day will affect me from time to time i get that but people not so much

[atomicc]

I think this is actually most of us. I believe the criteria is for unstable relationships with those close to you, not strangers. I don't have unstable relationships with strangers because you don't have a relationship with strangers ! My symptoms come out with those close to me and like most of us, there's not many of them.

[Ithilanar]

Trippin: Exactly! When I am single, I am completely cured! When I am not, it's crying, it's hyperventilation, it's sheer panicking, it's the constant need for confirmation and then when asking for my loved one to confirm his love for me, I feel I have forced him and made him feel obligated, and then I can't trust his confirmation and then I hate myself for having needed to make him confirm, and then hating myself because I am now whining and making him thus even more obligated...... oh gawd. It is just an emotional hell in a relationship. And like you say, outside of a relationship the impulses are there, but there's no confrontations, and I can walk away and wipe it off my shoulder.
And believe me, I am glad to meet others like me too ! And gee, I am the worst blabbermouth I know <_<!

Trying2survive: I'm so glad to hear I am far from alone ! Do you have an official diagnosis despite of it?

Atomicc: I think where the difference is here between me and the general borderline is that I don't get mood swings outside of relationships whatsoever, there's no splitting or black/white thinking (at least not nearly as strong as when in a relationship and I feel attacked from almost all angles), I am just completely calm and collected. Depressive thoughts are way more under control and I don't get stuck in a spiral of absolute self-loathing and a need to end it all. So you sound pretty much like me too it only comes out with those closest to me - though, I may feel triggered with closer friends, but when I feel the symptoms I tend to draw away as soon as I can, though for some reason I can't seem to shake the bitterness I feel towards them (however unfounded). I get grumpy over acquaintances' comments and opinions if they seem hurtful, but I don't lose emotional control - within the relationship I have no idea who I am.. I feel like a pendulum. Have you got an official borderline diagnosis despite not being 'full-blown'?

[SkyWhite]

I'm always at my worst with romantic relationships. There is some splitting with regular friendships, but the closer I get to someone the crazier I get. I was having the worst time with my T because I couldn't see him every week. It was very painful transference. I suffered emotional trauma for 4 months. I was inconsolable and depressed. Even my T was getting worried about me. But finally I was able to get a grip on myself and I've calmed down a lot.

I think people with BPD will present in different ways with different combinations of the criteria. Also, the criteria is only a guideline. Our "normal" personalities are also mixed in with the emotional turmoil.

[lynn808]

ummmmmmmmm...wow...I am there every day....yess

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Ithilanar

Trippin: Exactly! When I am single, I am completely cured! When I am not, it's crying, it's hyperventilation, it's sheer panicking, it's the constant need for confirmation and then when asking for my loved one to confirm his love for me, I feel I have forced him and made him feel obligated, and then I can't trust his confirmation and then I hate myself for having needed to make him confirm, and then hating myself because I am now whining and making him thus even more obligated...... oh gawd. It is just an emotional hell in a relationship. And like you say, outside of a relationship the impulses are there, but there's no confrontations, and I can walk away and wipe it off my shoulder.
And believe me, I am glad to meet others like me too ! And gee, I am the worst blabbermouth I know <_<!

Trying2survive: I'm so glad to hear I am far from alone ! Do you have an official diagnosis despite of it?

Atomicc: I think where the difference is here between me and the general borderline is that I don't get mood swings outside of relationships whatsoever, there's no splitting or black/white thinking (at least not nearly as strong as when in a relationship and I feel attacked from almost all angles), I am just completely calm and collected. Depressive thoughts are way more under control and I don't get stuck in a spiral of absolute self-loathing and a need to end it all. So you sound pretty much like me too it only comes out with those closest to me - though, I may feel triggered with closer friends, but when I feel the symptoms I tend to draw away as soon as I can, though for some reason I can't seem to shake the bitterness I feel towards them (however unfounded). I get grumpy over acquaintances' comments and opinions if they seem hurtful, but I don't lose emotional control - within the relationship I have no idea who I am.. I feel like a pendulum. Have you got an official borderline diagnosis despite not being 'full-blown'?

yes 2 months ago now, b4 that idk what the hell was wrong with me..i just thought i was a new kind of crazy...and i had NO IDEA there were others like me, i was shocked that there are this many "me's" floating around! kinda scary , but kinda cool too!

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by SkyWhite

I'm always at my worst with romantic relationships. There is some splitting with regular friendships, but the closer I get to someone the crazier I get. I was having the worst time with my T because I couldn't see him every week. It was very painful transference. I suffered emotional trauma for 4 months. I was inconsolable and depressed. Even my T was getting worried about me. But finally I was able to get a grip on myself and I've calmed down a lot.

I think people with BPD will present in different ways with different combinations of the criteria. Also, the criteria is only a guideline. Our "normal" personalities are also mixed in with the emotional turmoil.

lol! love it, love it , love it! too funny..
"the closer i get to someone the crazier i get!" how true..LOL!

[allymc]

Oh my god. This is my first post ever on here... I always come to read to see if people relate to how i'm feeling but I have a hard time putting it into words. But this post is spot on. I have a pretty messed up background and family life, so the effect me too, but like you posted, not nearly as much as my partner. I'm so glad I am not alone.

[Aventurine]

[QUOTE=Ithilanar;3733129]Trippin: Exactly! When I am single, I am completely cured! When I am not, it's crying, it's hyperventilation, it's sheer panicking, it's the constant need for confirmation and then when asking for my loved one to confirm his love for me, I feel I have forced him and made him feel obligated, and then I can't trust his confirmation and then I hate myself for having needed to make him confirm, and then hating myself because I am now whining and making him thus even more obligated...... oh gawd. It is just an emotional hell in a relationship. And like you say, outside of a relationship the impulses are there, but there's no confrontations, and I can walk away and wipe it off my shoulder.
[QUOTE]

Oh, That brings back some memories. I am single now and although I still spit with family and close friends and experience intense isolation I am no where near the CRAZY person I become in relationships. I tire my partners out with my constant need for reassurance and then I beat myself up for needing it. Oh the agony!

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by Ithilanar

Trippin: Exactly! When I am single, I am completely cured! When I am not, it's crying, it's hyperventilation, it's sheer panicking, it's the constant need for confirmation and then when asking for my loved one to confirm his love for me, I feel I have forced him and made him feel obligated, and then I can't trust his confirmation and then I hate myself for having needed to make him confirm, and then hating myself because I am now whining and making him thus even more obligated...... oh gawd. It is just an emotional hell in a relationship. And like you say, outside of a relationship the impulses are there, but there's no confrontations, and I can walk away and wipe it off my shoulder.
And believe me, I am glad to meet others like me too ! And gee, I am the worst blabbermouth I know <_<!

Trying2survive: I'm so glad to hear I am far from alone ! Do you have an official diagnosis despite of it?

Atomicc: I think where the difference is here between me and the general borderline is that I don't get mood swings outside of relationships whatsoever, there's no splitting or black/white thinking (at least not nearly as strong as when in a relationship and I feel attacked from almost all angles), I am just completely calm and collected. Depressive thoughts are way more under control and I don't get stuck in a spiral of absolute self-loathing and a need to end it all. So you sound pretty much like me too it only comes out with those closest to me - though, I may feel triggered with closer friends, but when I feel the symptoms I tend to draw away as soon as I can, though for some reason I can't seem to shake the bitterness I feel towards them (however unfounded). I get grumpy over acquaintances' comments and opinions if they seem hurtful, but I don't lose emotional control - within the relationship I have no idea who I am.. I feel like a pendulum. Have you got an official borderline diagnosis despite not being 'full-blown'?

Yes I do have a diagnosis, but I am considered a high functioning borderline because I have learned to control most of my symptoms without therapy. I might not even really qualify as borderline, but then again I'm a nutter soooo..

[porcelain_pain]

what you're describing is pretty typical, I am the same way. I don't split outside of romantic relationships. I think however that it'd be worth investigating some of the subtler symptoms of BPD which tend to be noticeable even outside of romantic relationships and might not have anything to do with splitting.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by porcelain_pain

what you're describing is pretty typical, I am the same way. I don't split outside of romantic relationships. I think however that it'd be worth investigating some of the subtler symptoms of BPD which tend to be noticeable even outside of romantic relationships and might not have anything to do with splitting.

You're correct about this. Projecting and splicing are 2 other coping mechs BPD use. Everyone projects now and then. I'm guilty of splicing. I get angry at someone, tell them off, than come back a few days later like nothing has happened, confusing and frustrating the victim. I have literally spliced out the bad parts. I've caught myself doing this a couple of times and I'm now careful not to do it. If there's a problem, I try really hard to not brush it under the rug. I hated when my mom did that to me and I don't want to be that way with people.

I don't think this is a different kind of borderline. It sounds pretty normal to BPD to me.

[Ithilanar]

What I have read, heard and understood of BPD was that the mood instability was a constant problem. I don't experience pretty much any symptoms outside of romantic relationships. I can experience it a bit with friends though, but I have usually moved away from them before it gets bad. I don't experience impulsive behavior either in every day life, only in relationships. If it is the normal BPD not to do this, does it mean I may be borderline despite not being affected by this in my daily life? When I was a teenager though it was very full-blown, at least it went out on strangers online and all of my close friends, yet I was still very private about it IRL - which I have thought might have to do with my AvPD.

Thanks for your input though, it is very eye-opening, though I am still confused. I have heard about the "quiet" borderline, but I am not sure that fits me. I guess you could call me a highly functioning borderline as well and an AvPD on the outside. If anything, I suppose I might have the answers tomorrow when I'll go get diagnosed :/. Fricking scared.

[UnderTheRose]

I believe the criteria is for unstable relationships with those close to you, not strangers. I don't have unstable relationships with strangers because you don't have a relationship with strangers

That sums it up ---
And moods are triggered by things, not normally just random as in BiPolar. Our triggers are different to each of us but are often related to a feeling of being inadequate, or unloved or unimportant or not valued. So it makes sense that our biggest flare ups are going to be with someone we are close to.

[porcelain_pain]

Yeah, this still sounds like regular BPD to me. I know it can be confusing. Part of BPD is feeling like you don't fit in, which you seem to be experiencing right now. I think that the literature often emphasises BPD being marked by unstable relationships, but maybe doesn't accurately describe the kinds of relationships that are affected. In my experience with listening to people with BPD, it is very common to be a very collected person in general but then burst the lid with romantic partners. You're always welcome to post here if you need to vent or ask for support most of us can relate

X

Originally Posted by Ithilanar

What I have read, heard and understood of BPD was that the mood instability was a constant problem. I don't experience pretty much any symptoms outside of romantic relationships. I can experience it a bit with friends though, but I have usually moved away from them before it gets bad. I don't experience impulsive behavior either in every day life, only in relationships. If it is the normal BPD not to do this, does it mean I may be borderline despite not being affected by this in my daily life? When I was a teenager though it was very full-blown, at least it went out on strangers online and all of my close friends, yet I was still very private about it IRL - which I have thought might have to do with my AvPD.

Thanks for your input though, it is very eye-opening, though I am still confused. I have heard about the "quiet" borderline, but I am not sure that fits me. I guess you could call me a highly functioning borderline as well and an AvPD on the outside. If anything, I suppose I might have the answers tomorrow when I'll go get diagnosed :/. Fricking scared.

[Ithilanar]

I hope I am allowed to link - I found this: Someone asked if there are different levels of BPD.. Here are the Different Types of BPD: | **** Borderlines Do

I feel that the "Transparent borderline" describes me the best, while the rest don't. They still sound like the borderline symptoms happen now and then, whereas mine never happen, unless I am in a relationship. That means if I never date again no one could ever tell of my borderline symptoms. I am really looking forward to hearing what they'll make of my diagnosis! I'll let you guys know, though there's quite a while till the next and final conversation. Sigh.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm surprized to read that this is very "typical", I didn't get that "feel" from this board at all...

Annnd, I don't know how to clarify that statement without sounding like a jerk and probably being completely misunderstood.

Gawd I hope this doesn't garner any wrath, but generally, bpd sounds so crisisy, and chaotic, and the moods flit from one extreme to the next without much notice (even though there are triggers), its seeeems like a perpetual chaotic existance.

I have very few BPD related *****fits and meltdowns. They happen about every 3 months or so, my bipolar of course ebbs and flows at random, but I definitley deal with it far more often than my BPD.

In general (for now), my BP cycles are weekly, a week up, a week baseline, a week down. And every few months I go wayyyy down, and can't find my way out for atleast 2 months with a good environment and up to a year under shytti circumstances.

If I never dated, I would never even have gotten this dx Stupid bf! LOL

Idk, maybe I've been reading this board wrong, maybe its not as chaotic as it seems, maybe I'm just sorely mistaken and have been feeling left out for the past 3 years for no good reason.
Completely possible.

Once again, I hope my comments above did not offend anyone, it wasn't directed at anyone in particular, and I just honestly don't know how to describe my thoughts with more dipolmacy.

PS. According to the link, I'm an Introverted Borderline

[yehyk28]

Originally Posted by Ithilanar

Does any of you experience a different kind of borderline where you do not experience the symptoms in relations to strangers or other less important people in your life, but only towards the very closest and most important people? I am thinking about the black/white thinking, the push/pull mechanism, the mood swings and the instability and so forth.

The thing is, normally I am very closed off and avoidant with most 'friends' (not that I have many as I rarely let people close or they rarely live up to my rigid standards), and losing them or being let down only seem to make me more avoidant and even more emotionally cut off. However, if I let someone close and beyond my walls, like in a relationship where I need to trust, love and be honest with this person, everything just breaks into chaos - mood swings, depression, paranoia (about reciprocation), feelings of worthlessness, self-harm tendencies, suicidal thoughts, everything. But completely private and hidden from the outside world (except from the person with whom I am in a relationship with).

This is mainly why I both relate and don't relate with the borderline PD diagnosis. I become an entirely different person when in a relationship, someone fragile, vulnerable, almost childlike who constantly picks on themselves and attempts to both be worthy enough of the other person's love or punishes themselves when they think they're not and easily breaking into tears. It's highly confusing. I feel like two completely different individuals.

Does anyone else experience this at all?

My wife have almost the same experience as you, but she has not fully accept herself yet and is on the go of blaming and battling with me and herself about it. It's like riding a roller coaster everyday for us.

It's really hard for both of us even after 2 therapists a week of DBT has been provided to her, as there is still a long way for the treatment but no guarantee that it will work and no idea how long it will take.

[Ithilanar]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm surprized to read that this is very "typical", I didn't get that "feel" from this board at all...

Annnd, I don't know how to clarify that statement without sounding like a jerk and probably being completely misunderstood.

Gawd I hope this doesn't garner any wrath, but generally, bpd sounds so crisisy, and chaotic, and the moods flit from one extreme to the next without much notice (even though there are triggers), its seeeems like a perpetual chaotic existance.

I have very few BPD related *****fits and meltdowns. They happen about every 3 months or so, my bipolar of course ebbs and flows at random, but I definitley deal with it far more often than my BPD.

In general (for now), my BP cycles are weekly, a week up, a week baseline, a week down. And every few months I go wayyyy down, and can't find my way out for atleast 2 months with a good environment and up to a year under shytti circumstances.

If I never dated, I would never even have gotten this dx Stupid bf! LOL

Idk, maybe I've been reading this board wrong, maybe its not as chaotic as it seems, maybe I'm just sorely mistaken and have been feeling left out for the past 3 years for no good reason.
Completely possible.

Once again, I hope my comments above did not offend anyone, it wasn't directed at anyone in particular, and I just honestly don't know how to describe my thoughts with more dipolmacy.

PS. According to the link, I'm an Introverted Borderline

I agree! I also had the impression that this board reflected mostly the "extroverted" borderlines where the disorder affects them in pretty much every aspect of their lives and on a daily basis. I don't get 'meltdowns' or other at all, unless I am dating, and I don't have the impression that this is what most BPD people experience. Either way, I am still waiting for my final diagnosis <_<.

[softcat98683]

No I have the symptoms for both platonic and romantic relationships, only it is (was) worse for romantic relationships when I was dating.

I'm married now (been married for over 20 years) and I didn't get the symptoms with my husband because he was/is always reassuring of his love for me. I sometimes think I had the borderline reactions in past relationships because the guys involved didn't really love me anyways; they were only out for one thing. I am sure I never lost a guy worth keeping anyways.

[Ithilanar]

Just wanted to update: I have been diagnosed with borderline today! Actually, last time they said I didn't score high enough (though high), and since it only affects me in close relations and not now when I am single, they wouldn't give it to me. However, they discussed this at a meeting and changed their minds - they think since I have to live my life without a "trigger" it doesn't take away the fact that if you place that trigger in my life I go full-blown borderline. So borderline it is! And I'm actually really happy. I feel like I've finally been taken seriously and that they think what I go through is bad enough for treatment. They decided to focus my entire therapy on BPD, and not just avoidant, which I have too.

[Kimaya]

I have them for both, but its far, far more severe for my partner and friends who I have deemed "my clingy" - like one every few years. I highly identify with the statement that if I confront them, I have forced the issue and cannot trust the answer. This is where my long silences that sometimes lead to NSSI or SI stem from. Unresolved pain.

edit - congrats on the diagnosis. I completely agree with it, and I think we are all, actually, situational borderlines. So, any of you with periods of stability at certain times or after DBT remain borderline, imo. Removal of triggers does not make you well. If I am at home all of the time of course my transient paranoia is going to be under control

I think the key difference is how we view people in general and their importance to us, which can vary.