[allme]

Hi

I don't know about you but I have terrible problems with anger. I often fall out with ppl because I am unable to express my anger in an appropriate manner. When something winds me up I cant help but show how angry I am and become awfully attacking and confrontational. And God help anyone that tries to stand up to me at the time!

I am so held back by anger...its not anger actually it turns into rage!

I don't want to be this way anymore Why can't I voice a disagreement in a controlled way?

I am very isolated and this is one of the big reasons.

To top matters off I am terribly paranoid...even a look will convince me they are thinking bad things about me which then brings on my angry face which boils up into a bit of a fall out, if controlled, at best!

I have so many issues relating to my anger problems that I just don't know where to begin.

[ChildlikeEmpress]

I'm sure it's easier said than done, but I would try to not talk to who you are angry at while you are feeling the worst of it.... try to walk away, get by yourself and get to a better place emotionally first and that might help it from becoming a horrible confrontation. I know it is hard to stop the runaway train once it gets going, so I'd try to get away at the first sign that things are going downhill.
Then once the worst of the anger is past it might be possible to talk calmly about what is bothering you, without getting so worked up that it gets ugly, name calling, bringing up things from the past, etc.
It is really a good thing though that you are able to step back and see that this is a problem and want to find solutions for it. That's huge, seriously! Lots of people never even question why they do things, so you are doing well to explore this.

[allme]

Originally Posted by ChildlikeEmpress

I'm sure it's easier said than done, but I would try to not talk to who you are angry at while you are feeling the worst of it.... try to walk away, get by yourself and get to a better place emotionally first and that might help it from becoming a horrible confrontation. I know it is hard to stop the runaway train once it gets going, so I'd try to get away at the first sign that things are going downhill.
Then once the worst of the anger is past it might be possible to talk calmly about what is bothering you, without getting so worked up that it gets ugly, name calling, bringing up things from the past, etc.
It is really a good thing though that you are able to step back and see that this is a problem and want to find solutions for it. That's huge, seriously! Lots of people never even question why they do things, so you are doing well to explore this.

Thank you!

I have tried the walking away thing but, so far, I can't walk away for long enough.

I can't explain and deeply wronged I feel by people sometimes. I went through years of abuse and it's like I wont tolerate the slightest perception of someone mistreating me. I almost feel as though they are abusing me there and then in some way.

So when I get this feeling wronged feeling, it is like a fire engulfs me, and the words that come out my mouth are like a reflex that I have no control over. If I try to leave it, if I don't react to it and let the anger out I become quite distressed.

I feel that I have a lot of soul searching to do to really get anywhere with this. After some thinking, I think it is a lot to do with self perception, low self worth and low confidence. When I really trace the anger back, it comes down to these things I mentioned. Also, the paranoia! But again, that can be because of the things I just mentioned.

I feel I am on a long journey but I am learning and trying my best as I go along. It's not easy but I know it will be worth it.

[Pierro]

I have often found that people with anger issues are very unhappy inside and it comes out as rage/anger. I am like that sometimes... uncontrollable

[Harmacy]

With me, a lot of my anger is transferred to people in the present based on things done to me in the past by people I didn't confront at the time. I used to be terribly passive and if badly treated would end up thinking it was my fault.

My main tactic to control anger now is to not let anyone take advantage and let new resentments build up. This means I sometimes become quite detached from those around me but it's a useful way of holding off any new resentments until I feel safe again. I've got one fairly good friendship now where this has worked, every time I've had a niggling feeling of doubt I've managed to walk away, put all contact on hold and so far things have always come back on track after a short while.

Also, getting angry at the main source of my anger - family members - has really helped. I no longer need to transfer that anger onto anyone else as I've finally addressed it to the right place. Felt horrible at the time but I've got a lot of old resentments off my chest recently in a very direct and clear way and it's a huge relief. I did it for me, not for them. That feels honest since I always used to put others feelings above mine and this meant always swallowing my feelings of anger as somehow wrong. I can see now that a lot of them were perfectly valid and sometimes getting angry in the right way with the right person is entirely appropriate.

There are ex friends who I'm still very angry with but don't want to see again. Sometimes I don't know what to so with that anger since I don't think it would be helpful to get in touch with them and get angry at them. I suppose one day forgiveness would be the best way to offset it but I'm nowhere near that point yet so just try to contain it and see it as a reaction to the person I used to be - not who I am now.

[allme]

Originally Posted by Harmacy

With me, a lot of my anger is transferred to people in the present based on things done to me in the past by people I didn't confront at the time. I used to be terribly passive and if badly treated would end up thinking it was my fault.

My main tactic to control anger now is to not let anyone take advantage and let new resentments build up. This means I sometimes become quite detached from those around me but it's a useful way of holding off any new resentments until I feel safe again. I've got one fairly good friendship now where this has worked, every time I've had a niggling feeling of doubt I've managed to walk away, put all contact on hold and so far things have always come back on track after a short while.

Also, getting angry at the main source of my anger - family members - has really helped. I no longer need to transfer that anger onto anyone else as I've finally addressed it to the right place. Felt horrible at the time but I've got a lot of old resentments off my chest recently in a very direct and clear way and it's a huge relief. I did it for me, not for them. That feels honest since I always used to put others feelings above mine and this meant always swallowing my feelings of anger as somehow wrong. I can see now that a lot of them were perfectly valid and sometimes getting angry in the right way with the right person is entirely appropriate.

There are ex friends who I'm still very angry with but don't want to see again. Sometimes I don't know what to so with that anger since I don't think it would be helpful to get in touch with them and get angry at them. I suppose one day forgiveness would be the best way to offset it but I'm nowhere near that point yet so just try to contain it and see it as a reaction to the person I used to be - not who I am now.

This totally makes sense to me, re transferring the anger to those in the present! However, I am nowhere near the brave thing you did by confronting these ppl. A huge amount of anger is towards my parents. I just can't let go and my brother and I have been sharing our feelings about the past quite recently. I don't know if I will even be able to confront them.

More anger comes from all the bullying as a child and teenager.

And finally, another huge source, is from the man that abused me from when I was 14-18. He was horrific and cruel...a true monster.

I also know that forgiving is the best way forward...I am nowhere near giving that forgiveness. I hope with time (I am now 33) I will learn to forgive but so far, all the above people have affected, strongly, my ability to lead a half normal life. I have been through so much suffering and I sometimes think how cruel and sad it is that I have this wonderful thing called life to be tainted by the actions of others. I know they are not hurting me now and I am safe and it is now up to me to take control and make things better. I just don't know how though.

Right now, the best I can do is carry on and keep trying.

Thanks

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Anger can suddenly come at you, I find, if not a red mist, then at least something barely controllable. It took me a long time to realise how anger harmed me and my relations with others - just a single episode alarms people and they never quite trust you again. When anger passes I have forgotten it in a day or two, but not so the recipients of my wrath, and apologies don't help that much tho' better than nothing.

I must agree that it does seem to stem from inner unhappiness and self-esteem issues, and as these take time to fix, one needs a defence in the meantime.

I am trying to develop the habit of stepping back and finding out more. A question with a smile 'are you sure that is so', 'a defusing remark 'I would be disappointed if that were the case' a witty (but kind) rejoinder...later when appropriate and when you won't be damaged you can get angry/exasperated and shout/cuss if you like (I do)!

But after you have got it out of your system I find it helpful to track back and see why the anger arose - often it is lack of awareness of mood I find - if you are hurting inside (and one is often unaware) it is important (tho' far from easy), to recognise and defuse it somehow.

Being a pessimist I like to plan for the worst case scenario and have ready a strategy when I am to meet a difficult person, or have a tricky conversation or feel resentment building up. Head 'em off and get myself in the right mood with a friendly greeting, a pre-emptive apology, buy them a coffee or get my retaliation in first by saying I am having a bad day - they then profess concern and I can thank them and ask how I can help them so the onus is on me to be good.

[ifst5]

I think maybe speaking up more might help - if you feel unhappy with someone why not just say so? You don't have to be confrontational - more like firm and suggest that if they have a problem you'd like them to talk to you. It's the only adult solution i find...that or walking away which you've said you already find very hard. In some situations it's helpful...you're not dignifying the bad behaviour and rising to their stupidity.

Anger is healthy - it informs us that we're being mistreated and that a situation needs change. It's when it transcends to aggression that there's a problem. But don't go around thinking anger is something you shouldn't be feeling...it's a very natural response to a world that's becoming increasingly difficult to live in. There's no one size fits all solution as each situation requires a different response but you can handle it in a cognitively satisfying way it's just finding what works for you and honesty is what works best for me. Good luck.

[allme]

Thanks

I have this weird reaction which initially is I am on the verge of tears through so much frustration and all my senses are highly tapped. This happens for a few seconds and then comes the anger. I can't just talk normally and discuss the situation.

Saying all that, I am better now then what I was in my 20's.

I know what I am supposed to do but I can't put it into action. I will just have to keep catching myself and little by little learn to handle the situation better.

You know the thing is, I used to be such a pleasant agreeable ppl pleaser. Too many ppl took advantage and a lot of ppl have hurt me. I got to a point where it hurt that bad, instead of sadness, I became angry at the world in general.

*sigh* I am sure I will get there...just going to take time

Thanks again