All over the place

I'm all over the place. And I feel like I just need to get it out. Thanks for reading. Not sure the best place to post, but chose here anyway.

I slept all day. Because I couldn't sleep last night, because I was tired, because I didn't want to feel anything, and because I had nothing else to do. And now I'm beating myself up about it, because I've been working hard to not sleep away days because it always makes me feel worse. So now I'm dreading not being able to sleep again tonight and getting back into that horrible cycle of day sleeping.

I'm beyond lonely. I have zero friends. I'm trying to get out more and work on this, but it's slow. I cry a lot. I'm sad a lot. My aunt is the only person I spend time with, but recently she's becoming infuriating. All she talks about is how much weight she's lost and how much exercise she gets and how well she eats. We've been going walking together pretty much every day, but it's gotten to the point where it's not enjoyable to be around her. I like the walking, and it's good for me, but doing it with her isn't fun anymore. It just makes me angry. If she's not talking about the above topics, she's complaining about how bad her life is. I realize that I'm complaining right now too, but I'm working to get away from negative stuff all the time. So when I've started telling her I don't want to walk (because for example there's a thunderstorm) she makes me feel bad and says she'll just go alone. Then the next day she needs to tell me how fast she's walked without me there and how important it is to exercise, exercise, exercise. It is hard for me to listen to all this because I am very sensitive about being healthy (I typically hate my body and have been working really hard to live a healthier lifestyle) and everything she says makes me feel inferior. I hate is because I feel like to not feel so lonely I should go spend time with her, but at the same time it makes me feel bad to be around her.

I emailed my T to see if she had any ideas on what I can do to try and feel better/not let my current feelings take over. I'm beating myself up over this because I've also been working hard on not emailing her. It has been a very unhelpful and addictive behavior in the past - emailing her several times a week. I was able to go a few months without emailing her and was really proud of that, but now I'm nervous I'll just go back down the same path again. I hate that needy part of myself. It makes me hate myself. And I still just want to hear from her.

So basically I just feel sad and mad and hate myself. And I'm incredibly lonely, and it hurts so much.

Thank you for reading this. It means so much.

Hello, healinghippo38. You have had to endure a lot. I hope your therapist has some help for you.

I wish you well.

Hi, my friend, I'm so sorry to hear about this, and I can relate ... really.

What are your hobbies, your passions ? All of us have things we enjoy doing, so I'm sure there's something that can engage your mind and use your time.

If you're serious about getting healthier, it is never too late to start. Try to set goals for yourself. The goals can be as small or as big as you want ... just whatever you can manage. Maybe that's walking a mile, or biking to the grocery store and back, or whatever.

Goals are, I think, the key to your problem. And, this is not just with exercise or health, but with anything. Goals give you direction, they help keep your mind occupied, because you're always thinking about what to do next to get closer to your goal. And, when you accomplish them, you get satisfaction and feel like your life is going somewhere. Good deal, right ?

I hope this helps. In any case, feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more.

Thanks for the replies.

It is tough because T doesn't typically respond on weekends (understandably), and I'm not in any sort of crisis - it's just really painful.

I am trying to work out some goals, both in terms of leading a healthy life and having some structure for myself. You're right about how important that is. I guess I also need to work on not beating myself up when I don't achieve said goals right away. Maybe I need to break things into smaller steps.

Thanks again.

You're very welcome !

Also, you mentioned having no friends (again, I can relate). Have you tried social networking websites like meetup.com ? It is huge, and there are groups for almost every hobby/interest/subject you can imagine. I have met many people (even people I have dated) through that site.

Give that a shot, maybe ? We all need people.