[Korana]

Been dealing with BPD for as long as I can remember. Often feel like I am a slave to it's whim. Like it will roar like a dark inferno for a period then go back to a small cloud burst over my head all the time.
I am in chaos right now. I'm frightened because I've never felt this bad, out of control, weak, unpredictable.

A lot of BPD people like me try really hard to know themselves as well as possible and keep a hold of the reigns... I don't even recognise myself. I don't know what to hold on to.

I'm suddenly barely sleeping. Drinking all the time. Binge eating at night. I can't settle to even converse with someone. I am empty and bored by everything. I am recklessly spending. I forget the things I order and then they show up in the post every day and I'm like oh god... I can't even check my bank account. The result would be devastating.

The most frightening thing is... it's just flaring up. It's just beginning. I CRAVED cutting myself. There's a long thin immensely sharp knife in the kitchen and all I wanted was to use it. It wasn't even an urge to release. It was a sudden fit of, 'I need to see as much of my blood as possible. I need to see it all.'
It'll get worse too. If I can't control my urges now... what's going to happen in a month?

I need help with an emergency care plan.
I'm going to my doctor and putting myself on whatever pill will pull me out of depression most effectively.
I want some feedback on anti-depressants/whatever you take to control the big lows. I can't trust myself to handle my own emotions. I need a crutch.

I'm going back into therapy for the 5th time. I've been out of it cleanly for an entire year. Now I know I need it. I can't bear to say anything other than, 'I'm getting into a really bad place again' to my friends and family. And everyone is confused. Because it's so sudden. I can't explain though. I don't understand it myself.

Do you guys have an emergency care plan for this sort of thing and what is it?

[Hobbit House]

yes, is inpatient a option for you? You need help now. call someone. see if you can get in to see your psydoc. if you can't I urge you to go to the emergency room. Bottom line is you need to get on your meds as soon as you can. I wish you well

[Korana]

I'm from the UK. Not even the mainland. I'm from Northern Ireland. Our in-patient mental health care is so scarce and reserved for people who're too 'dangerous' to themselves and others to be out in the regular world.
I'm scarred without fresh wounds. I am the most hateful chameleon. My auto response is to act as normally as possible when confronted with this sort of thing. The best I can do is admit, 'I'm not feeling great generally.' Even reading my posts here wouldn't qualify me for in-patient care, because I haven't done anything yet. Ironic, no?

I've had 3 different therapists and I left the last one confused and none the better. I'd have to wait after a referral for a few WEEKS before a letter came through with a random therapist and an appointment. The most control I have is to request a woman. Meanwhile I'll sit on some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety for weeks with no immediate help while it kicks in, my history of opiate abuse too scary for a doctor to trust me with a fast-acting pill because they're apparently so addictive.

That is why people here don't ask for help. By the time it arrives. It's under-funded. Ill equipped to deal with something like BPD and not immensely effective.

If you slit your wrists and somehow, you're taken to the emergency room, they sew you up and send you home.

At this moment in time, I'm not wishing to die or wanting to pry my skin open. But if I did, there wouldn't be a lot of care to help me.

I need to come up with ways to help myself, without self medication or self harm. I just don't know how to do that

[Hobbit House]

I am sorry you have to go through this alone... what can we do to help?? I too have BPD and before I was diagnosed and medicated it was a living hell. I hope you can come up with a emergency plan.

[Korana]

I don't know what to do in these times of emergency. I'd love to know what you do?
Should I set up my own contact, someone in my life who'd be willing, at 4 am, while I'm drunk and full of madness, to talk to me for a bit, or come over and just be here? I do know people who might want to do that. But it would he a horrendous burden.

I can't talk to my family, especially like my mother and stuff. Her and my step-dad say things like, 'you need to grow a thicker skin... it's all in your head... everyone feels down, snap out of it.' and in the bad times, they actually make it worse.
My doctor seems unnerved and frightened when I reveal my mental state, he offers a pill and shoves another therapist down my throat.

Where can I go? Are hot lines useful?
What about temporary pills like diazepam and the like?
I really want to know what's effective in the short term right now.

[Astriferous]

Originally Posted by Korana

I don't know what to do in these times of emergency. I'd love to know what you do?
Should I set up my own contact, someone in my life who'd be willing, at 4 am, while I'm drunk and full of madness, to talk to me for a bit, or come over and just be here? I do know people who might want to do that. But it would he a horrendous burden.

I can't talk to my family, especially like my mother and stuff. Her and my step-dad say things like, 'you need to grow a thicker skin... it's all in your head... everyone feels down, snap out of it.' and in the bad times, they actually make it worse.
My doctor seems unnerved and frightened when I reveal my mental state, he offers a pill and shoves another therapist down my throat.

Where can I go? Are hot lines useful?
What about temporary pills like diazepam and the like?
I really want to know what's effective in the short term right now.

Yes, you should definitely have a person you can talk to during these times. It feels like you're being a burden, yes, but when you're in a state like that, you need someone there with you.

Hot lines are very useful. There are several chatlines online that you can go to if you'e uncomfortable with speaking on the phone, and then, of course, the traditional phone hotlines. Googling "suicide hotline (your country here)" should get you results.

Diazepam is a benzodiazepine, which is used to treat anxiety, so no, it wouldn't help with depression. Most antidepressants can take up to weeks to work, but it's worth it in the end. In the mean time, there are a lot of other things you can try to alleviate the depression temporarily. Doing something creative really helps with boredom. Meditation, listening to music, reading, and watching comedies help to distract me.

I would talk to your doctor about going into some kind of treatment program. It doesn't have to be inpatient or a hospitalization, necessarily. I went to a partial patient program when I was in a similar state, and it helped me to get out of a really bad nervous breakdown. You should also talk about long-term treatment. I cannot stress how important it is to have a therapist and a psychiatrist helping you through your recovery. I know it's exhausting to have to tell your life story to a bunch of strangers, but as soon as you're settled in with them, it's worth it.

If you need to talk to anyone in the meantime, most of the people on this thread would be happy to lend an ear, including myself.

Wishing you the best of luck. Hang in there!

[Korana]

DBT is so difficult to get here. I think there is one service a few hours away and another just over the border. That's it. Like I read the posts by American's talking about their treatment and I really wish we had that. I will talk to my doctor about the options I do have.

Had a 2 hour conversation with the person I trust with this sort of thing and I do feel better. It was hard to say things like, 'and last night, I'm sitting there on the floor wondering how awesome it would be to just SEE all my blood in a bowl. Like not in a want to die way, just in a, I want to see my blood.'

Can you do therapy long term? The ones here seem to want to give up after a couple of months and discharge you. I wouldn't mind having regular and then like once a month therapy or something long term, but it's hard not to feel rejected and abandoned by therapists who just want to get you off their list.

Thank you guys, by the way. Any feedback on the madness is always a comfort somehow

[Astriferous]

Originally Posted by Korana

DBT is so difficult to get here. I think there is one service a few hours away and another just over the border. That's it. Like I read the posts by American's talking about their treatment and I really wish we had that. I will talk to my doctor about the options I do have.

Had a 2 hour conversation with the person I trust with this sort of thing and I do feel better. It was hard to say things like, 'and last night, I'm sitting there on the floor wondering how awesome it would be to just SEE all my blood in a bowl. Like not in a want to die way, just in a, I want to see my blood.'

Can you do therapy long term? The ones here seem to want to give up after a couple of months and discharge you. I wouldn't mind having regular and then like once a month therapy or something long term, but it's hard not to feel rejected and abandoned by therapists who just want to get you off their list.

Thank you guys, by the way. Any feedback on the madness is always a comfort somehow

You can do therapy in the long-term, at least here in the US. And most therapists in the US know how to administer DBT, so we don't have any kind of shortage, at least that I know of. :/

Definitely talk to your doctor. They'll know (or at least they're supposed to know) about your options.

[Fuzzybear]

[Korana]

Thank you for the feedback and hugs. I do enjoy virtual hugs!
Therapists here are generally trained in CBT and the usual. DBT is very specialised and personality disorders are a therapists worst nightmare. I'm wondering if kicking up a huge fuss will get me access to better resources, because I'm looking at standard CBT again.

Having a better day. Am not eating and drinking my feelings. Slept very late, but I compensated for the sleepless nights in the last week and after a groggy hour, I felt a lot more rested. Had the energy and motivation to exercise. I even did two routines back to back. Proud actually
Trying really hard not to turn healthy habits into a new crutch though. I don't have the greatest relationship with food. Not disorder type issues, just binge guilt, rigid control over healthy food and concern with certain food that most people eat.
Arranged an appointment with my GP for next week and I'm just hoping to stay as stable as possible until then.

[Kimaya]

For what works for me: Switch meds to something familiar, make a list of things you need to do that are most overwhelming and then do one thing on the list at a time to take back control (like check your bank account).

DBT (even self help books) is good for long term, but not short term solutions - I believe I read here on the forums you need to have a clinical care team in order to get insurance to pass DBT green light. The above solution is emergency. I can't submit myself to a hospital because I have a fear of them, and I can't abide being in them, but if you can and its come to either submit or be unsafe, you need to do what you need to do.

Be safe.