[NoChildSupport]

I know I can be manipulative, but I'm no worse than the average person. No one has ever CONSTANTLY accused me of it as much as one of my family members who I am close to. I feel like me laying everything out on the table & being 100% honest about myself & what I'm dealing with is mistaken for manipulation. I've heard a lot of people with bpd are VERY manipulative. Is it true in SOME cases? Is it just another misconception/stereotype? Do we manipulate people without realizing it? And if so, in what ways?

I don't think we r manipulative on purpose so we wouldn't see it that way tbf but yeh I guess I like to control so as much as I hate to admit it I think I could be xxxx

[Astriferous]

Yeah, I agree with Muay. People with BPD aren't purposefully being manipulative, and most don't even realize that they are being manipulative. It's the only way some borderlines know how to get what they need.

I too am blunt and honest with my friends and family, and it's not because I'm being manipulative, I just figured that being open with people was better than bottling everything up. Of course, there are unhealthy ways of doing this, which is what my problem is.

I've read somewhere that this behavior is encouraged when the borderline's support system gives them extraordinary amounts of attention during crises, i.e threatening/attempting suicide and self-harming, which makes a lot of sense in my case. The people around me were giving me the attention I needed during crises, and not when I was stable.

"manipulative" is one of the worst words in the English language. It is far worse than the word "insecure". It is buuuuuuuullllllllllllllllls**t.

It is just an umbrella word used by ignorant people who have watched the movie "Fatal Attraction" one too many times. They use it to describe us when the fact is that they don't want to take the effort to understand us and/or help us and/or simply tolerate us.

If they want the true definition of "manipulative", they should look at the narcissistic pr**ks that run countries and big businesses.

[Notoriousglo]

I have the same questions about it as you do. My mother said once that I manipulated her as a child with my sadness. It leaves me bewildered, because imo, I am not sad to manipulate anything...I am sad because I'm sad. lol. ???

I also told my new therapist that to manipulate is an action, like a "to do." It is premeditated. I told my therapist I am very natural with all of my behavior. I plan nothing. My therapist said that manipulation is a drive...a drive to get something we want and that it could be unconscious.

That's all I know.

0.0 yeh I think it's prob right euphy xx

[vonmoxie]

I think the difference is just in "how". When it comes more easily to a person in a certain way, it's not as easy for others to discern when it's happening, which of course allows it to be more effective. And thus can tick people off that much more.

It is an interesting word.. of course everyone, every person on this planet with intellectual capacity, attempts to "manipulate" situations in ways they think they should, whether it be for selfish reasons, or on the grounds of believing something to be "for the better good". Everyone does it to some extent; sometimes knowingly and sometimes to some degree unwittingly. As I've gotten more in touch with my own traits in this area, I find that while I prefer to try to be straight with people (including with myself) rather than have to deal with the aftermath of being sneaky, old habits do die hard, and achieving balance between different kinds of equally valid progress can be a conundrum, at least for this old noggin. (Manipulating for results vs. letting chips fall where they may.)

Just my two cents.

[Espresso]

I would do just about anything to get the pain of an intense negative emotion to stop. I'm not meaning to be manipulative in those instances, but I can see how what I've done could be seen as manipulative.

Originally Posted by Espresso

I would do just about anything to get the pain of an intense negative emotion to stop. I'm not meaning to be manipulative in those instances, but I can see how what I've done could be seen as manipulative.

It's a lot easier for the other person to say, "You're so manipulative" than to say, "I feel like you took advantage of me to have it your way. I understand that you're going through a tough time right now, and that your behavior was the result of a knee jerk reaction to how you're feeling, but I don't like being used like that."

[badjuju89]

I think everyone bp or not is manipulative at some point or another. I do think we may be more prone to be just from what ive experienced from things ive done in my past (hindsight being 20/20) lol.. not that I was intentionally being so but I see now where I could have definitely been perceived to have been that way or definitely was being that way. And recently I housed a friend (or so I thought) who I was warned about who is a master manipulater. Pulled the wool right over my eyes. He has bp as well and he played the victim manipulation card but undercover so well I didnt even notice for 6 months. He used my parents and me for a free ride and free food just to burn another bridge and hop to the next couch. Then trash talked us when he left cuz my dad gave him a deadline a month in advance. Cramped his style. I was warned but having had known him or so I thought for 3 yrs he sure played me. I think its all in the person not the illness. I even got him in a behavioral health hospital and back in good with his parents. He used the illness to manipulate which made me furious.

[Onward2wards]

"Manipulative" covers a lot of ground. If people with BPD happen to resort to those behaviors at times, I believe it is more logical that it is out of desperation and fear, rather than out of any desire to harm or subjugate anyone. That perspective doesn't make it right or effective, but I think it explains the process more accurately.

I agree with on2 xx
I also believe nons r manipulative realising it making them the more harmful xx

[ifst5]

I think if we are we're not generally successful at it. People who are successful at manipulation get what they want. I'm without a job, a partner, a family who love me, a purpose in life. Am i good manipulator?

...

I think we get enough **** flung at us. Add manipulation to the pile and it's like we might as well give up.

Originally Posted by ifst5

I think if we are we're not generally successful at it. People who are successful at manipulation get what they want. I'm without a job, a partner, a family who love me, a purpose in life. Am i good manipulator?

...

I think we get enough **** flung at us. Add manipulation to the pile and it's like we might as well give up.

(ifst5)

[MoxieDoxie]

Everyone does some form of calculation, of their thoughts and actions, to arrange them to illicit reactions or responses, from others, to benefit them and get their needs met. I do not see that as manipulation. It is doing everything within my ability to benefit me. It is not malicious.

[badjuju89]

I didnt mean to offend anyone if I did with my post about my experience. The point I meant to get across with that particular person was when confronted it was admitted to me he knew his pattern and agreed to use people knowing it was making things stressful and hard for us and never acted grateful or appreciative for what had been given to him.. then when he got what he could from us and realized he couldnt play his game anymore he left to play it on someone else who was clueless to how he functioned.. out of our group of friends I was victim number 3 to his manipulating ways. But my main point was I think every person as a human is capable of manipulation... I think its the person.. I think the illness for some of us when we get in our darker times can be more prone to get in a victim like state and not mean to be manipulative but can come across that way to others... I know I can be that way when im really depressed and anxious... not to be malicious as moxie pointed out but I think its the heart of a person that defines whether its malicious intent or not....

[amsquareb]

Very true! Great