[NoChildSupport]

I don't know for sure if I have bpd but it fits me too well. The thing with the black/thinking & idealization/devaluation, I'm doing that with my older cousin. I've always felt attached to people but I never really let it show. I've wanted to express all my love for them but I think I've had the subconscious fear that people didn't love me as much & they were going to leave me anyway. For some strange reason, I've decided to let most of this love show to my older cousin. It doesn't come off the way its supposed to. I'm soooooooo clingy its not even funny. I haven't had the best experiences with people & I avoid them because I never felt like I related to anyone too well. When I first met my cousin, she was sweet & very welcoming. There was something about the way she treated me that made me feel better about life. I've always been miserable. I felt clingy towards her but I didn't let it show before. I was always scared that she going to leave but it got blown out of proportion & now I've unleashed all of my looniness. She has told me things & done things for me that made me really feel like she cares & that I would always have her. She also does a lot of things that makes me wonder if what I thought wasn't actually true. I appreciate her because she hasn't left me, she puts up with my bad behavior (I can be really mean & disrespectful when I feel misunderstood & scared), she tries go help me the best way she knows how (truthfully I feel like she's made me feel worse but at least she's tried), & she'll do things like stay on the phone with me when she's tired or has to take care of something. She always says she loves & cares about me & sometimes I believe it. But she's she doesn't listen to me, she tunes me out when I'm pouring myself out to her, she's incredibly insensitive, she leaves me to deal with my unbearable emotions without giving any comforting words or ANY affection. She's inconsiderate (but I can be too). My feelings seem to mean nothing to her. She told me she cared about me, had said she would always be there whenever I needed her, a while back when I was in crisis, she told me to tell her what it was I needed her to do & she would try. I've been telling her but she refuses to step outside of her comfort zone even though she knows it will help. I know its my fault. I say horrible things to her like "I hate you", "go to Hell", "screw you", "you're a curse from Hell." etc.. I hate doing that to her & I hate being clingy towards her. I get mad when I feel like I was deceived & she doesn't give a ***** about me. When I feel like that, I want reassurance but she's resistant to give it & I get pissed off. I'm terrible about controlling my anger. I went out of state to live with my dad for a few months and before I moved back with my mom, she promised to call me everyday. I was more than happy that someone besides my mom thought I was that lovable & actually wantef to speak to me that often. Like less than two weeks later, she broke that promise. When I confronted her about it, she barely had any remorse. She didn't even apologize at first. I had to tell her to. Now she tries to be careful not to tell me when she's going to call me, but sometimes she tells me she will call the next day or call back the same day but then doesn't do it. I've told this idiot a million times that if she can't call me then text my phone so I'll know & I won't expect it. It takes two seconds to send it to me. Is that too hard? She always had her phone when I was with her but now she acts like she can't notify me when she can't call me. She keeps doing the same ***** & wonders why I "act out". When she doesn't call, I feel like she's neglecting me, leaving me, forgetting about me, I did something wrong, she's starting to hate me. I tell myself over and over she's has a life, she's just busy, she still loves me but it doesn't ease the pain. I start feeling panicky & suicidal & I have horribly, painful urges to cut myself. Sometimes I give in, like I did last night. I felt better afterwards & I was able to stop crying & go to sleep. I tell her this, not to be manipulative like she thinks, but so it will stop!!! She knows I feel tormented when she ignores me but she does it anyway. If she cared, she wouldn't add to this misery I'm already dealing with. I know I sound completely crazy & selfish but I keep trying to change. No one believes me because the more I try, the worse it gets. I don't want to do that to her. I've always wanted make people happy but now I'm nothing but an annoyance. This situation means nothing to her. I'm starting to think I mean nothing to her. I've tried countless times to let her go but the attachment is still there & if leave, I'll miss her too much. I feel as if someone important to me died. It'll feel as bad as if I lost my mommy. She's just so cold sometimes!! I told her I wanted to die & she said she was sick of hearing it & told me it was annoying. I don't even say of nearly all of the time. But I understand because no one wants to hear something depressing like that. But the way she said it, it seemed like me being suicidal was just some annoying little habit instead of something I'm really struggling with. I started crying asking her "how could you?" & she told me to shut up with disgust in her voice. She said she can't deal with someone who doesn't care about their life. That statement induced my fear of being abandoned!!! She knows so much about me & what triggers me but still doesn't care to take heed to what she says. She's so nonchalant about everything. I want reassurance, I want a living, caring response with emotion expressing how I'm loved, cared for, & I don't deserve to die!!! I tell her but she doesn't care. I keep getting so angry with her. I curse at her & put her down. I HATE myself for it. I feel like she still has something against me because of it. She thinks I'm evil & selfish which I can be but I wish she would see past that. I feel so unsure. I never liked myself but I didn't think I would turn into this. I feel like complete ***** now. I want to be better but I don't know how. My cousin is not who I thought she was & she probably feels the same cause of how mean I've been. I feel like cutting my whole body up, seeing myself bleed all over the place. I feel like forcing her take care. I feel she only cares on a surface level. I had this idea in my head that she really loved & cared for me, would always be there, & would provide warmth and comfort. I'm not asking for the moon and the stars. I'm asking for a friend. She's kinda old & I should find someone my age bit no has has put in as much time. It's confusing cause she does things that makes me feel like age cares, but then she disregards my feelings & treats me like I'm not fragile. She says she tries to make me more tough and independent but I told her a million times she's breaking my spirit. She called herself trying to be funny but also make tough by telling me to grow some balls when I was crying about her breaking her promise. I wanted to tell her to go suck on one. She's not my mom so she's not obligated to stay. I feel so scared. I feel like there's long term damage that can't be fixed. I can't let her go yet. What am I supposed to so I don't smother her but also so I don't keep getting hurt? I know I need to stop being so obsessive nut I don't know how. I feel like I'm being tormented by demons who put all of these disturbing thoughts in my head & this situation is making it even more unbearable. What should I tell her? What should she know or do?. She feels no remorse for anything but letting her go or pushing her away completely would seem almost traumatic to me.

Hey Hun.
Welcome to borderline forum
Yeah hopefully u will find u fit in here. If u read the criteria and believe you fit and need a label then try and seek treatment ? We are here to support you and also be your friend xxx

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I think you are going through a really tough time at the moment and need to seek some professional help.

I can see and relate to a lot of your thought processes, and think it's good you were able to get that all out into words! You are going round in circles a lot with your thinking and I think that seeing a therapist or counsellor would help you to get those things straight in your head.
The way you are thinking now Is certainly something that I and I am sure many others can relate to.
Since being diagnosed and having some basic counselling and therapy I am now able to categorise these thoughts and find helpful ways of relieving the pain they cause and also understating which ones are true and which are false.
I think you seem to be at the very beginning of your journey and posting here is a great first step.

Everything doesn't suddenly become perfect once medical help had been sought but it can become much clearer and can help you move out of the place you are in now and hopefully have a better relationship with your cousin.

Neither you or your cousin are in the wrong or the right, you are just 2 people trying to come to terms with each others ways, you need to be less hard on yourself and less hard on her and she maybe needs to understand your needs slightly better.

Hope you find help and that things improve for you, i really wish you all the best because I relate so much to your thinking and know that things can get better for you like they did for me. Keep us posted