I don’t expect anyone to care

Um, sorry, but I’m feeling kind of depressed atm and wanted to write the following before the inclination to do so left me and I went back to feeling less depressed and back to the state of blissful repression…

I don’t expect anyone to care about me. I don’t mean just now but in general. This goes back to when I was a little girl. I once fell down a flight of stairs when I was in 2nd grade, in front of a bunch of classmates and they came running up looking all concerned and… it was funny… they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t crying and I couldn’t understand why they were all “pretending” to care that I just fell down a flight of stairs.

I’ve been trying to work on my issues with people lately. Most of the time I avoid them but when it comes to helping someone out of some kind of funk I’m all for it… that form of interaction with people comes easily and suddenly I’ll feel perfectly comfortable with them and will have lots to say. I’ve come to realize that what lies behind this is the idea that “if I give something to others they’ll have an incentive to want to talk to me” whereas in other cases, with most people, I simply don’ t expect them to give a damn about what I have to say or want to have anything to do with me nor do I expect them to give a damn about my problems.

I know this sounds hypocritical of me because here I am blabbering away about my problems without offering any support to anyone in return. The thing is that it’s usually either or with me, I can either give or I can take, for some reason I can’t do both. Maybe because having a “give and take” would be too much like having a relationship and closeness and the like… and I just can’t do those. I’ve got too much of a fear of closeness, rejection AND engulfment for those. That and I don’t really expect anyone to care (I know that doesn’t make sense with the taking part but even so that’s how I feel).

I have some nice colleagues whom I’m pretty sure might be upset if I got hit by a truck tomorrow and there are a few people whom I sometimes provide some emotional support to whom I’m pretty sure would be sorry to see me go, but other than that I don’t expect by standards or anyone else to care.

I try to gain some sense of value by being there for some people but on my own I frankly feel like a piece of garbage and I always have.

Is this common to not expect anyone to care about you? I once told my therapist that if I were ever in an accident and put in the hospital that I wouldn’t expect people to come visit me. This wasn’t a play for sympathy it was something that came up in a conversation but I can’t remember the context. Anyway, right after I said that she suddenly gave me a very odd look, like I’d just landed from the moon and I was sitting there thinking “oh damn, what did I say wrong? Is it really that weird? Why’s she staring at me like that?”

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament I can relate 100%. I feel exactly the same way - that no one cares. It's not a nice feeling. My way of coping with it is to keep myself either occupied or sedated (benzos), ALL THE TIME. I will do that till my last breath.

I'm the same way when it comes to helping people - perhaps, there's a subconscious expectation that it will help me connect with that person.

I KNOW that, if I were to get hit by a truck, I'd get less attention than a dead skunk lying in the middle of the road.

Are there things you like to do and/or are passionate about ? Accomplishments can be a good way for you to feel better about yourself and keep you occupied, if not happy.

Let the whole world not care about you. Give up on the whole world if you want, but please don't give up on yourself.

Thanks for the reply lilodian. I’m sorry to hear you experience the same kind of feeling. Sometimes I do understand, on an intellectual level, that there are people that genuinely do care, it’s just that last night it was really, really hard to believe that for some reason… and on an emotional level it’s not easy to understand at any point.

I know what you mean about feeling like nobody would care if you got hit by a bus… I just hope that’s just a feeling and not true for either of us.

As for things I’m passionate about… heh… well it pretty much all revolves around being supportive of certain people in my life. There are other things I’m kind of good at but they don’t really give me the same kind of satisfaction or sense of accomplishment. I suppose I should maybe work on enjoying other things in life but it doesn’t really come naturally…

It's great that you're able to get satisfaction out of helping others, but the harsh truth is that you cannot always count on others to give you this satisfaction.

That's why I place a strong emphasis on finding something one can do for oneself, without requiring any involvement of others.

I feel the exact same way. I love to help people because it's a way I can get social interaction without being hurt. I don't know if the people I care about would visit me in the hospital if anything happened.

I think that a lot of people with BPD feel like they care too much about the people around them, while not getting any of that love reciprocated.

I totally agree !

Yup agreed xxx

Why don’t you expect anyone to care about you? Are you not a person of value worthy of care?

I care.

I understand. I found a great way for me to give without the give and take of demanding friendships.

I go to my church's food pantry. We feed the soul before the stomach. I talk to people and listen to them. It sounds selfish because I don't make relationships or find out about the people's lives but it helps them and me. Win win.

It works for BPD at least for me.

Thanks everyone for your replies . Like you say, I realize I need to work on gaining satisfaction from other things… not to mention satisfaction from other forms of interactions with people… but that’s a work in progress… and yes, feeling like I’m not a person of value is probably a big part of it…

Thanks again everyone x

For every person that may not care there is someone who does.