[Espresso]

I have no intention of killing myself tonight. But I need the pain to end. Another stupid fight with my husband exploded. Self harm used to help ease the pain, but it hasn't been working as well lately. It's as though the self harm I'm doing is not destructive enough to give me any satisfaction. But I can't do more because I have responsibilities that I can't ignore. Why am I such a screw up? I can't count the number of times I've thought that I don't deserve to be alive. I don't see the point of life. I'm a loser, a disappointment. I'm worthless. And so I'm here whining about it. I don't have anyone else. I'm not suicidal enough to warrant a call to my three safety nets. Whatever. Life is bull****.

[Serra27]

You need to contact your PDoc or emergency asap. I completely understand how you are feeling, esp with having a blow-up with your husband, BUT YOU are NOT a screw up or a loser...you have BPD and life IS difficult a lot of the time, it's just a matter of learning how to deal and control. Have you began or been working on DBT therapy at all? Just wondering...it's extremely useful. ...Hope you are doing better today...

Espresso, I understand your frustration completely, but please trust me, you're NOT worthless or a loser or any of that. You're going through a tough time, and unfortunately, that, in your mind, translates to you thinking that you don't deserve to live and the other thoughts you're having.

Like Serra27 said, it's BPD that's making you feel this way. Please get professional help and see this thing through. I promise you, someday, you'll thank yourself for doing so.

Nothing in life is permanent. This will pass, and you will move on to better days. I know it.

Hang in there.

[Astriferous]

You are not worthless. Your contributions on this forum have been so helpful to me and countless others. I can really tell from your posts that you're bright and thoughtful.

You should definitely call someone you can talk to about your self-harm. Tell your therapist/psychiatrist about your well-being. Call a friend. If you don't have anyone, you're always welcome to rant to anyone on the boards.

[Espresso]

Originally Posted by Astriferous

You are not worthless. Your contributions on this forum have been so helpful to me and countless others. I can really tell from your posts that you're bright and thoughtful.

You should definitely call someone you can talk to about your self-harm. Tell your therapist/psychiatrist about your well-being. Call a friend. If you don't have anyone, you're always welcome to rant to anyone on the boards.

Thank you. Your reply made me feel like I have some worth, whatever it may be.

It's another day, another crisis. I started drinking seven hours ago and I'm still feeling the effects of it. I overdid it. I drank way too much, but if there had been any more in the house, I would have drunk that too. A surprising positive effect of being way too drunk is that apparently I like to clean when I'm drunk. So two clean bathrooms and a kitchen later I'm here "relaxing".

I've been in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for over a year now. I can see some improvement, but I'm still incredibly screwed up. I think about killing myself all the time. A day where I only think about it 15 times is a good day. My therapist is used to it by now. It's to the point where I need to have the method of choice in my hand with serious intent for there to be a crisis.

I wish telling my therapist about the self harm would help. I've talked about it before. I don't know what she would think about the fact that it's not as effective anymore.

Basically, I'm hopeless. I'm going through the motions, but I know there is nothing out there that can fix me. I'm waiting anxiously for the the day when I can kill myself without regret.

I will wake up tomorrow morning a little hungover (and with an immaculately clean bathroom) but able to follow through with my responsibilities. I will go to my therapy appointment and talk about whatever comes up, but nothing will change. I so wish that something would help. It's that sliver of hope that keeps me going to my appointments and DBT and makes me take my medication. But I know that nothing will ever change.

[Astriferous]

Originally Posted by Espresso

Thank you. Your reply made me feel like I have some worth, whatever it may be.

It's another day, another crisis. I started drinking seven hours ago and I'm still feeling the effects of it. I overdid it. I drank way too much, but if there had been any more in the house, I would have drunk that too. A surprising positive effect of being way too drunk is that apparently I like to clean when I'm drunk. So two clean bathrooms and a kitchen later I'm here "relaxing".

I've been in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for over a year now. I can see some improvement, but I'm still incredibly screwed up. I think about killing myself all the time. A day where I only think about it 15 times is a good day. My therapist is used to it by now. It's to the point where I need to have the method of choice in my hand with serious intent for there to be a crisis.

I wish telling my therapist about the self harm would help. I've talked about it before. I don't know what she would think about the fact that it's not as effective anymore.

Basically, I'm hopeless. I'm going through the motions, but I know there is nothing out there that can fix me. I'm waiting anxiously for the the day when I can kill myself without regret.

I will wake up tomorrow morning a little hungover (and with an immaculately clean bathroom) but able to follow through with my responsibilities. I will go to my therapy appointment and talk about whatever comes up, but nothing will change. I so wish that something would help. It's that sliver of hope that keeps me going to my appointments and DBT and makes me take my medication. But I know that nothing will ever change.

Please take good care of yourself. It's really important that you tell your therapist about the issues you've been going through. I know it may seem like nothing will change, and it IS true that BPD will stay with you for the rest of your life most likely, but it will become easier to manage.

Hi espresso. Hope ur feeling better. Thinking of you. You have much worth. Ur a nice person and u have friends here that care about u.
I'm sorry I didn't reply to ur post here sooner as I feel bad now only just seeing it lol but I hope u know we r here for u anytime and it pains me to see u feel this way xxxx don't be hard on yourself xxxx

[Espresso]

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate your replies.