[celtic.starlite]

I think this is my first time posting on the BPD forum (I'm usually in the Survivors of Abuse and the SI forum sometimes others)..... anyways, although I was able to recognize some of the symptoms earlier this year, I was just recently (2weeks ago) given the BPD diagnosis. I, surprising, took it well, I think - maybe because I was able to recognize the symptoms earlier in the year?
However, now it is starting to hit. I see how horrible I must be to others, not in the sense that I physically hurt them or even yell at or blame them, but because I get clingy (for lack of better words) and then when they all the sudden stop being so talkitive even if it's just for one day, I think I screwed up with them and that they are going to leave me. Then after a couple hours to a few days, I decide that I'm done trying with them. I decide that I screwed up and just like everyone else they are leaving me. I figure if they want a friendship they will eventually call or text, right? But deep down I don't expect to ever hear from them again and if I do hear from them, can I forget that I screwed up and can I trust they won't get upset with me again and leave (mind you they may never have been upset with me in the first place).
Then I look at various posts on several forums here and if there is any mention of someone with BPD, I see the person saying how hurtful the BPD person is. I don't want to be this bad horrible person. I hate me. I am scared. What if my dad was always right about me? What if I truly am a horrible person? How do I stop doing what I'm doing?
I'm not one to really show my emotions, but the emotional storm still rages inside of me. Unfortunately, my mom is the one who gets the calm and then the blow up and I do accuse her of a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm not the one saying what is coming out of my mouth but I can't stop it. Am I even making sense?
Somebody please tell me is there really a way to feel better? (Yes, I see a T, and ironically, I'm in school to become a mental health counselor but I'll probably just hurt more people than help them so I don't know why I'm wasting money).
Sorry for my rant ....

Celtic

[emmaleewhispers]

Don't apologize for ranting.... we have all been there at one time or another. I promise, there are many ways to feel better. Has your T suggested DBT? It doesn't work for everyone, but it sure helped me a TON. If you've never heard of it, ask your T about it. I bet they'll be willing to explore that avenue with you.

As for now.... if you want, try making a list of the things that make you happy. Even something small like the laughter of a child. The dew on a flower in the early morning. Things like that. See if that doesn't help improve your outlook a little. It won't totally take the pain away, but it will help make it much more bearable, especially the more you do it. HUGS to you and I really hope you feel better soon!

[celtic.starlite]

Thank you! I have heard of DBT, I've never done it, and I don't really know too much about it. My T has not yet suggested it.
I will try to do the list of things that make me happy. Thank you for this suggestion.
Thank you for the hugs, hugs back.

[emmaleewhispers]

Originally Posted by celtic.starlite

Thank you! I have heard of DBT, I've never done it, and I don't really know too much about it. My T has not yet suggested it.

I will try to do the list of things that make me happy. Thank you for this suggestion.

Thank you for the hugs, hugs back.

You're most welcome! I hope you feel better soon.

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