[BrliPerDis]

I have had a traumatic event happen to me this past sunday which caused me to really look at my life now and think what the H*** happened. so i decided to admit that i needed help to deal with all of my issues, with the help of the internet and 3 days of insomnia going on i said research. and a BPD came up, i read so much about it and still am for the main reason that i want to get better. . so with any problem you find the source. I can write this tonight a horrible part of my life as a start to really dig deep into my problem and try to realize and learn how to retrain my brain to react normally to things and not just take it out on myself...
since birth i was never wanted, my father wanted me aborted and off that alone . resented my existence to this day my father still cant show me any signs of affection so no love from him alone. i still to this day do not remember my child hood its like a big blackout to my life, as if it never happened. i know i was molested as a child and when i did speak up about it, nothing was done i was still forced to go back to my molester for months... that was never properly resolved or tended to, i was never told how to feel about what happened, my parents just played it off cause it wouldnt have suited there lives at the time with the day care situation... finally moving to a new home, where i was not suppose to speak of or talk to any one of my fathers side of the family, my aunt raised me. then i was fat and always criticized, made fun of, questioned and announced of me being fat, by my mother, for years. I was always called stupid, put down in the worse ways, told to shut up, by my sister. I have no clue why. as high school progressed my sister was caught up in alot of trouble and i was always there to be blamed by my parents. why wasnt i watching her, she is only doing this because of you. whenever i had a question or went through life no one was there to talk it out no one was there with answers they would act like i was stupid for asking....so finally as an adult (18) ready to run away from it all move out the big day. i couldnt because now everyone needed my help to survive. that was my fault to stay in a house with ungrateful people, that are suppose to help you, i truly forced myself to believe that they would change and if i did more for them it would help them change. so obliviously of that mind frame alone i got worse.
i didnt know these problems would still follow me and progress to a day where i really feel my world falling apart and so broken down. and more days worse days and just to the point where i have been to hell and carry the fear if i cant resolve the cause then another relapse will happen and i dont know if i will make it out of that situation. today i stand ready to admit i need help i need something and going to make that something happen so i can learn to get over all of these issues that i cant change. letting go is easier said than done and im ready to take my steps to finally let go of all this pain and emotion that i still feel from day one

[Astriferous]

I didn't think my trauma would carry into my life too. Some people won't develop any problems after trauma, some do. It all depends.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Are you on any medication or seeing someone for therapy? Please be safe.

[BrliPerDis]

yes a day after the event chem treatment and AA it will help me with talking it out but no meds i have a bad dependency to any thing