[wadupguc]

Hello all. I am 20 year old girl diagnosed with BPD high functioning and extremely self-aware (like that point where you're so self-aware that it's all you think about) since the age of 18 and been going to counseling and psychiatrists ever since, although I never took the prospect of DBT seriously but now I'm serious about beginning my journey.

After my recent break up, I'm trying to wonder if it was completely all because of my BPD or if he really was at fault somewhat. I began seeing this guy who's 5 years older than I May 8th of this year. From then on, we spent every other day/night together. It was amazing like never before (keep in mind, I've never had a "relationship" or even talked to a guy longer than 2 months.) The sex was magnificent. I've never felt so close to someone (first time having sex with someone I care about. I have this ability to hook up with people and not get attached at all.) The issue from the beginning was that he is a an extremely poor communicator. Although we hung out allllll the time, when we weren't together I didn't really hear from him. 4 weeks into us seeing each other, I would wait for his texts like one does in the very early stages. After 4 weeks, we were spending so much time together, I was fully integrated into his life (friends, know all his plans, had his phone password after day 2 of meeting him although i never checked it, knew about all his exes and hook ups) At the 4 week mark I asked him where we were going and after being distant for a day or two he invited me over to tell me he didn't think it'd work because of our religious differences (he's atheist so religion is not a big deal to him. I clearly saw this as an excuse to cover something else.) He also mentioned he had a slight hesitancy with my age but could eventually get over that. An important note to make is that a few days before that we were out at a bar and I had to leave an internship due to it not working out in my schedule and he referred to that reason as a "cop out" I am not sure why but that triggered me and I went to the other room and cried. (throwing a child-like tantrum) that was the first time I'd done anything emotional that was unsolicited in front of him.

Nonetheless, we broke up. I cried in front of him about it. But I moved on peacefully knowing at least we didn't break up because of my usual BPD reactions or something. A week later I texted him while out and he reciprocated. We then started seeing each other again the same as before so AT LEAST every other day. He even went to New Orleans for a bachelor party and was at a strip club and texted me saying "I'm in love with you... you know that." (Like calm down buddy.) 3 weeks in he was treating me like a GF so I asked him a few times to make plans with me for that following weekend in advance and he said he was busy and might be able to. Then that evening I asked him to meet up with my friends and I. He didn't and I kind of just sent him a passive aggressive text saying "Well you wouldn't put forth the effort anyway." No response on his part. Next day I spoke to him again and told him I didn't think it was a balance in our "relation" even though we weren't dating, every friendship should have a checks and balances as well (no tantrum throwing. just a normal message expressing my thoughts.)
We discussed it the next day. His statements "I need you in my life don't know where to put you." "that week we broke up I felt like something was missing from my life." "you're one of my most favorite people to be around and I can't imagine my life without you." "It's so messed up that I want you to be exclusive to me but me not to you." Then my fear of abandonment struck in and I was like "Okay! That's fine!" But the following day I told him I refused to have that kind of relationship with him.
10 days proceeding, I texted him again. Met up with him with no intention of it meaning anything and all of a sudden he says "Let's be exclusive. but we have to take it slow because I'll freak out." so I tried to go at his pace. We hung out every day after that but again, when I wasn't with him I didn't hear from him. The one day we weren't together at all he was extremely short when I texted him. So I spent the following day curating all the ways that he was probably going to suck even in the future and how he was probably just lonely and regretted being with me and blah blah. In the evening he called to ask what we were going to do. I asked him to come with my friends and I and he refused. This was the final trigger for me. I went over to his house and just vented (when I vent it's not angry or shouting it usually just results in crying) and I said I feel like he doesn't put forth enough effort and he said he agreed and that he can never make me happy. And that I freaked out 5 days after us being exclusive and it was just going to be a cycle and he couldn't deal with the drama. I told him it kept happening because he was treating it like a No Outlet every time we talked about things instead of like a speed bump. But we broke up.

To sum up in a few points what he did that triggered me: Never heard from him unless I was with him (but he doesn't communicate with others either but this drove my BPD out the roof), Could not commit to plans in advance (we hung out every weekend but I always met up with them out), did not want to be involved in my life (friends or activities), wishy-washy with his feelings towards me (driving my BPD up the wall), any time I brought up relationship issues even in a calm way he would break up with me, refused to compromise, almost like he fathered me, felt like a power struggle with him , he claims he's "emotionless"

There are a lot of perks about him too but those are irrelevant to my question.

What things I do that are normal: I don't get jealous at all. I told him he was allowed to date whomever else until we were actually dating. I get along extremely well with his friends. very supportive of his passions (if he didn't want to hang out with me because he was golfing or playing video games I was fine because I loved watching him do things he enjoyed and seeing him so happy) I never expected to see him so often. I rarely even initiated hanging out. There are a lot of other things that display normality in me and make me a great girlfriend.

It's been 6 weeks and I'm still sitting here pondering, did we break up because of my BPD and inability to regulate my emotions or did he have SOME part in it? Even for a normal girl isn't his negligent and "emotionally unavailable" behavior a trigger? I just might not react in the best way and I understand that but I just want to know if it made sense for me to be suspicious of him due to the issues I listed above.

[Astriferous]

I'm kind of going through the exact same thing right now. The guy I think I'm in love with has acknowledged that our conversations are flirty and that he enjoys it, but whenever I try to get together with him, he would say "Sorry, I'm busy." This was SUPER triggering to me and resulted in me sending him a long text basically saying that I didn't have the energy to just be his text buddy, and that if he didn't start treating me like he cared about me, I would cut him out of my life. He responded and explained himself and said that he'd do his best to not trigger my BPD, but he really hasn't kept that promise. Since my friend died, we haven't talked. Apparently he's been on a few dates with some other girl

Anyways, I think you're suspicion is valid. What he did was flaky and immature. I'm sorry, but if you can't loving a sensitive person, you need to communicate that to them.