I am in the afterlife, because "life" should have ended on May 31, 2014 at around 10 pm Pacific time. Everything was in order. I had the most effective means of guaranteeing departure and the best view I could hope for. There wasn't a human being within miles. The time of night guaranteed delayed intervention if any. The only thing that stood between me and God that night was my own stupidity.

Yet, this afterlife is not as nice as I had hoped it would be

It began with me screaming my lungs out on a quiet mountaintop, in view of the gorgeous Pacific ocean. I was screaming the loudest I have ever screamed, because a piece of lead that was supposed to end my suffering failed to do its job, because I had failed to do mine, and I was left injured, ashamed, and confused beyond belief in a now meaningless world. Meaningless because I had not planned to be here after that night. My best laid plans had failed me. My best hope of relief had been exhausted. The only thing I was sure of, at that point, was more pain ... a LOT MORE.

So, I still wonder, today, what the ***** I'm doing here, because I was supposed to be far away by now. I had seen my imaginary tombstone with the dates set on it. I'm FURIOUS that I screwed up what should have been the easiest thing I ever had to do in 30 miserable years. I'm FURIOUS that God played this evil trick on me. I'm FURIOUS that I live in a world where the law forces my toxic heart to beat instead of putting it to rest as per my wish.

I would love to hitch a ride on the next nuclear weapon that gets tested.

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

I am in the afterlife, because "life" should have ended on May 31, 2014 at around 10 pm Pacific time. Everything was in order. I had the most effective means of guaranteeing departure and the best view I could hope for. There wasn't a human being within miles. The time of night guaranteed delayed intervention if any. The only thing that stood between me and God that night was my own stupidity.

Yet, this afterlife is not as nice as I had hoped it would be

It began with me screaming my lungs out on a quiet mountaintop, in view of the gorgeous Pacific ocean. I was screaming the loudest I have ever screamed, because a piece of lead that was supposed to end my suffering failed to do its job, because I had failed to do mine, and I was left injured, ashamed, and confused beyond belief in a now meaningless world. Meaningless because I had not planned to be here after that night. My best laid plans had failed me. My best hope of relief had been exhausted. The only thing I was sure of, at that point, was more pain ... a LOT MORE.

So, I still wonder, today, what the ***** I'm doing here, because I was supposed to be far away by now. I had seen my imaginary tombstone with the dates set on it. I'm FURIOUS that I screwed up what should have been the easiest thing I ever had to do in 30 miserable years. I'm FURIOUS that God played this evil trick on me. I'm FURIOUS that I live in a world where the law forces my toxic heart to beat instead of putting it to rest as per my wish.

I would love to hitch a ride on the next nuclear weapon that gets tested.

I wish I had continued pressing the trigger. Just a couple more times, and I wouldn't be sitting here waiting for someone to reply to this pathetic post.

it's not pathetic . I am extremely worried about you.
Everything happens for a reason. So there is a reason why you are still here. It's not ur time. U have so much to live for ! Your young ! You have a lot to go yet ode xxxx

[Yoda]

I agree, everything happens for a reason.

I am sad that you are sad to be living.

Originally Posted by muaythailady88

it's not pathetic . I am extremely worried about you.
Everything happens for a reason. So there is a reason why you are still here. It's not ur time. U have so much to live for ! Your young ! You have a lot to go yet ode xxxx

Thank you, darling ! I always love to hear from you

It's hard for me to see why, right now, but somehow I know you might be right. I just need to drink more wine tonight, and try and figure it all out later.

I'm watching a movie filmed in the UK "My Summer Of Love" starring Emily Blunt (I love her) ... ok, it's a chick flick, but I love it ! I love the accents ... even within the UK, I've noticed so many different regional accents !

no worries sweetheart xx u know u can on me or Skype anytime right? I've replied to ur pm too !

Awww why hot head the gym for a monster session and then go for a run home ? without music To clear your head?

Heheh she's stunning x I have a scouse accent ( Liverpudlian- from Liverpool - yes u sound like John Lennon haha) xxx

Originally Posted by Yoda

I agree, everything happens for a reason.

I am sad that you are sad to be living.

Thank you, Yoda It means a lot that you replied to me.

I have my dark moments, sometimes. Today has been one of those days.

I'm just being weird tonight. I think I want to build more muscle before I die, so I probably won't kill myself soon

Hahaha build more muscle before ya die ? I reckon ul be a mr Olympia before u even decide u want more xxx huggles

Originally Posted by muaythailady88

Hahaha build more muscle before ya die ? I reckon ul be a mr Olympia before u even decide u want more xxx huggles

Liverpudlian, huh ? Well, I guess, when I visit the UK someday, Liverpool will have to be my first stop

I think it's my loneliness that's getting to me tonight. The problem is that I have this illusion that I'm a decent guy and I really wanna hold a woman. I wanna go to sleep next to a woman. I want to wake up next to a woman. I wanna eat breakfast with a woman. I wanna come home, after work, to a woman.

That's where the problem lies

[phoenix14]

Hey. Fresh off the boat here and probably out of bounds but why are you trying to off yourself if you want to do all of those amazing things with a woman? Also, you speak of love of Emily Blunt, interest in UK accents, body building, even visiting the UK someday. You obviously yearn and want and desire. So, if I may ask, what's sending you to the top of the mountain to end it all?
Something else: Maybe the illusion that you're a decent guy isn't your problem; rather, maybe your problem is your belief that it's an illusion.
P.S. Glad you didn't die.

Hehe yeh il be ya tour guide

I get what ya mean but u could be in a relationship and actually feel lonelier I mean I have a bf and sometimes I feel much lonelier and am crazier as I go crazy if I don't get a reply to a txt within 4 hours. Lol xxx

[widgets]

Write a list of the things you know you want to do before you depart..,

And keep adding to that list..

If you come to the UK, make sure you drop in for a coffee!

I often feel this way and I make plans, and i know I can't do anything before that time, then I make another plan... It feels like I am forcing myself through life in some ways, i suppose I am.

Keep going. We are here

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

I am in the afterlife, because "life" should have ended on May 31, 2014 at around 10 pm Pacific time. Everything was in order. I had the most effective means of guaranteeing departure and the best view I could hope for. There wasn't a human being within miles. The time of night guaranteed delayed intervention if any. The only thing that stood between me and God that night was my own stupidity.

Yet, this afterlife is not as nice as I had hoped it would be

It began with me screaming my lungs out on a quiet mountaintop, in view of the gorgeous Pacific ocean. I was screaming the loudest I have ever screamed, because a piece of lead that was supposed to end my suffering failed to do its job, because I had failed to do mine, and I was left injured, ashamed, and confused beyond belief in a now meaningless world. Meaningless because I had not planned to be here after that night. My best laid plans had failed me. My best hope of relief had been exhausted. The only thing I was sure of, at that point, was more pain ... a LOT MORE.

So, I still wonder, today, what the ***** I'm doing here, because I was supposed to be far away by now. I had seen my imaginary tombstone with the dates set on it. I'm FURIOUS that I screwed up what should have been the easiest thing I ever had to do in 30 miserable years. I'm FURIOUS that God played this evil trick on me. I'm FURIOUS that I live in a world where the law forces my toxic heart to beat instead of putting it to rest as per my wish.

I would love to hitch a ride on the next nuclear weapon that gets tested.

I had a similar experince.... My date was in the spring of 1989. I had a good plan... it's kinda a miracle that I survived. Sometimes I like to think that I've been reborn. I've been given a second chance to do things differently. To be the person I really want to be. To act the way I really want to act.

And for that I am truly grateful.

[widgets]

We are all lucky to be here. I feel so ungrateful that i cant just be happy to be alive.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm really sorry to hear you've been feeling so shytti.

I like the idea of thinking about this as your rebirth, like the phoenix rising from the ashes with a new objective and a fresher perspective. If part of that objective is to build more muscle mass, then why the hell not!....

I hope you start feeling better soon

[Alone & confused]

[QUOTE=lilodian4ever;3976544]Liverpudlian, huh ? Well, I guess, when I visit the UK someday, Liverpool will have to be my first stop

I think it's my loneliness that's getting to me tonight. The problem is that I have this illusion that I'm a decent guy and I really wanna hold a woman. I wanna go to sleep next to a woman. I want to wake up next to a woman. I wanna eat breakfast with a woman. I wanna come home, after work, to a woman.

That's where the problem

Wow! The way you spoke here would make a woman want to BE the woman you wake up to!
PLEASE take care of yourself! The world NEEDS more people like you!

Thank you all so much for reading and for your support ! I'm off to work now, but will write more later !

[Astriferous]

I'm so glad you didn't die.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Thank you all so much for reading and for your support ! I'm off to work now, but will write more later !

Anytime!

Hey phoenix, welcome to PC ! Nothing's out of bounds here.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Most days, I don't think about being with anyone, and my loneliness stays under the rug. On days when my guard is down, like yesterday, those feelings come surging up to the surface. That's what happened. I gave up on being with anyone a long time ago.

I definitely want and desire a lot of things on this Earth, but all of that is only with the assumption that I've chosen to stay. If I'm here, I NEED to stay distracted, otherwise those dark thoughts emerge.

What sent me to the mountaintop ? Really, the past 30 years of my life, from birth to now. I've always been alone, know I always will, and I really don't see a reason to stick around. At my core, all I really truly want is to enjoy the company of other people. If I can't have that, I MUST distract myself.

Thanks very much, again, for your response

Originally Posted by widgets

Write a list of the things you know you want to do before you depart..,

And keep adding to that list..

If you come to the UK, make sure you drop in for a coffee!

I often feel this way and I make plans, and i know I can't do anything before that time, then I make another plan... It feels like I am forcing myself through life in some ways, i suppose I am.

Keep going. We are here

Hey you

Yeah, I have a bucket list prepared, and I'm going down the list !

You know ... now I'm determined to make it to the UK someday ! Likewise, you have a standing invitation to California

I think you just need to find your mission in life. Easier said than done

Thanks so much

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

I had a similar experince.... My date was in the spring of 1989. I had a good plan... it's kinda a miracle that I survived. Sometimes I like to think that I've been reborn. I've been given a second chance to do things differently. To be the person I really want to be. To act the way I really want to act.

And for that I am truly grateful.

I'm glad you're here, dude. I'm sure your wife is, too. Spend every moment making it count !

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm really sorry to hear you've been feeling so shytti.

I like the idea of thinking about this as your rebirth, like the phoenix rising from the ashes with a new objective and a fresher perspective. If part of that objective is to build more muscle mass, then why the hell not!....

I hope you start feeling better soon

Hey ! Thanks

Haha, yeah, the challenge of building muscle mass will keep me going for a while

It was just a bad day ... these days, I'm managing ok for the most part.

How are things with you ?

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Wow! The way you spoke here would make a woman want to BE the woman you wake up to!
PLEASE take care of yourself! The world NEEDS more people like you!

How very sweet of you to say that ! What I said is all true, but in all honesty, those are just feelings buried a long time ago, that came up to the point of consciousness. I don't really think about all that crap much anymore.

I think that desires that can never be fulfilled are irrational desires. Being with a woman, is one such desire for me.

Thanks so much for the kind words

Originally Posted by Astriferous

I'm so glad you didn't die.

Thanks, my dear I'm not very glad about it, but I'm gonna try to make the most of this mess.