attention seeking

I am not an attention seeker...

That's not my general Personality type. I feel ashamed of any attempt at attention seeking.

Sometimes I do though.

Recently I have been having cravings of being looked after, i am quite an independent person and my mum is the only person I really have around me that has the role of someone who would look after me.

These cravings make me think of all Sort of Crazy ways to get attention. I feel like I can't help it but I obviously can because I know I am doing it.

Today at work I was feeling a little sick, and i sat down in the locker room, a colleague came in and asked if I was ok... I said I wasn't well and was feeling hot and faint.. She quickly ran to fetch me water, and that made me happy. I said that the air con in my office was broken (which is true) and that it's so hot in there its making me ill. She suggested I move into the room next to hers for the day as it's cooler.
I like this colleague and don't often get to spend this much time with her but today I talked to her a lot and she was really attentive and kept checking I was ok.

It's only now I feel guilty, why didn't I at the time?

I wasn't feeling THAT unwell it lasted less than 5 minutes.

Why can't I get attention in a healthy way?

Why do I feel the need to be looked after. Especially by people at work?

On a different day this sort of behaviour wouldn't even cross my mind!!!

Hey, it sounds like you just want to be looked after, and that's totally normal. I guess that what you call "healthy attention" is missing in your life (you mentioned your mom being your only caretaker), so you instinctively seek it any way you can get it. And, when it comes, you don't let it go to waste. Nothing wrong with that.

You yourself said that you didn't know at the time that you weren't feeling "guilty" at the time your coworker gave you attention. You were likely basking in the attention, and that's a very nice feeling that I'm sure most or all of us can appreciate ... something that, for some of us, rarely comes our way.

"Why can't I get attention in a healthy way?" - I wish I knew the answer A lot of us do. My best guess is that we just didn't learn (childhood and early adulthood) how to solicit it the "healthy" way.

" Why do I feel the need to be looked after. Especially by people at work?" - Because you're human and normal ! The people at work are also human, so it's ok to want attention from them ... they're just people after all. Work is probably where you feel you CAN get the attention you want (as opposed to at a grocery store ?), so it may be why you're instinctively soliciting attention at work.

I understand your guilt, and I think that that comes from some deep inner feeling of being inferior or of not "deserving" that attention (I felt that same guilt at the hospital after my attempt ... I got more attention in those 2 weeks than in the past 30 years). Every person in this world deserves attention from others, and it is something to be enjoyed ... at least as long as you're not seeking it with malicious intent.

One more thing - I'm sure a lot of us (even the weird and alien-like nons) enjoy taking care of others, to some extent. The feeling of nurturing others can be very satisfying, so your coworker might have thoroughly enjoyed looking after you. She might have slept better that night ! So, win-win, right ? Also, maybe next week, the roles will reverse ... you might be the one bringing her water at a bar after she realizes she's had one too many drinks

Don't be too hard on yourself

Wow thanks for that response it has definitely put things into a less negative perspective for me.

I suppose the situation probably wasn't the most extreme.

I am just being hard on myself as I really do like to think of myself as independent, and able to look after myself. After so long of doing this i think is why I am needing the feeling of being looked after.

IT made me said to read this post for many different reasons. Lil thankyou so much for putting some of what i wouldlike to have said into words in such a good way, i could not have done so.widgets i know you are a caring person and deserve care in return .there are much worse things you could have done be kind to yourself

The thoughts to do much more extreme things cross my mind but I don't often act on Them.

I am still feeling ill today.. I'm proud of myself for staying at work though!

Lilodian4ever you do have a wonderful way of putting things into words... My brain is often to jumbled to be able to do that.

Moody, thank you, why do we always feel guilty for even the most natural of our feelings?

Widgets, I can relate to this very much. It's a daily struggle to not feel guilty anytime I get attention. It definitely has roots in the fact it took so much to get attention growing up and how many of us did have to do rather extreme things to get it.
I get the thought to do more too, I think we need to be proud of ourselves that we do not act on those feelings and are aware of these behaviors. It's a huge step in the right direction !

Do you think that is something we pretty much ALL have in common?

The fact that we grew up in an environment where we craved attention and had to do extreme things to get it?

When I was 10 I took an overdose so that my mum would come and see me. When I was 6 I kicked down a school fence and told social services my mum left me home alone... I ran away from home and then watched them looking for me and when they were really worried I let them find me. When I was a child I'd make up huge lies and stories, i was a total fantasist.

When I was in high school my best friends sat me down and asked me to stop doing things for attention they said if I ever needed some attention I was to stand up and say loudly 'i need some attention now please!' 2 of these people are still my very close friends and I would like to know if that rule still applies!
It's a great idea but sadly too simple!

What things has everyone else done for attention when they were younger?

as a child i craved attention but also avoided it as it was mostly negative or demanding. as a teen i did some dumb stuff including driving at full speed into a brick wall ! as an adult i dislike being the centre of attention as it makes me uncomfortable but i crave the nurturing that i did not have as a child and often exagerate illness to recieve it i also like to recieve praise even though it makes me uncomfortable.

I like to feel like everyone is happy with me.

I can't really remember if I sought attention in childhood, but I know that I do now for sure.

I just NEED someone to hold me and nurture me. It probably stems from my abusive father, because I usually direct these feelings towards older males.

That makes sense if your father was abusive you have missed out on the attention and nurturance you should have received so now seek it in your adult life. I am so sorry that happened you.

My dad died when I was a Baby, as a result I was pretty much only bought up by women, i am a girls girl. I relate Way better to women and will try to impress them, but I also have had a string of relationships with older men that look after me but they are always quite mean and dominant as well, which means it doesn't work out because I am a feminist (well try to be) and feel suffocated by controlling people.
I also tend to idolise men that are in a position of authority like police or managers or teachers, and have relationships with them that are completely platonic but kind of mimic a father/daughter relationships. All of these men tend to hace daughters at home and I often feel intense jealousy of their daughters. All of these men are always kind and patient and clever, they are always people I look up to and want to learn from and I find myself wanting to be just like them.

Wow I have never told anyone this before.

I really agree. I hate to be the centre of attention in a room full of people, well 80% of the time I would hate that.
I also get really embarrassed by praise but secretly revel in it.
My mum has always said I am a complete hypochondriac. I often wonder if I am? Maybe I have some very mild traits of it? Do you think that's a common theme as well with bpd?
I feel like faking illness is Actually probably the easiest and less harmful way of getting attention. Now that sounds manipulative but I didn't mean it to.

I actually just remembered when I was 9 I would pretend I couldnt breather and my nan would always be calling the doctors out in the middle of the Night. I genuinely don't know whether I was pretending or not!! My mum would tell me so much that I was pretending that i believed her.. Of I wasn't pretending then I was a very good actress as I got taken to hospital and told I was hyperventilating and that my blood pressure was low.

I always look back on that as if it's a fact that it was a pretense but It could have actually just been my very first panic attacks.

Exactly how I feel. Thanks so much for sharing, I thought I was the only one who tended to view male teachers as father figures.

I completely understand that. That said, independence is great.

What kinds of extreme things ?

Thanks for the kind words ... I'm flattered

Whenever I'd get bullied and teased by the other kids in the neighborhood, for being super skinny (every single day), I'd just run home, and go curl up in a corner and cry .... and hope that someone would realize I was missing. They never did

Extreme things like 'accidentally' falling down the stairs, having an accident with boiling hot coffee.

The other day I walked into a door and really hurt my hand and I wished I'd broken it.

Sometimes I want to do these things for attention but other times I want to do them to get a time out and a break.

I fantasise about being In hospital for something physical..

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, the negativity that engulfs us afterward is overwhelming, but please don't beat yourself up about it.

By posting this thread you've actually brought it to my attention that I no longer do this Gosh I didn't even notice and have no clue why I stopped, or how.

Thank you

But yes, its all too familiar, one of my favourite daydreams were variations of me becoming hospital grade ill so that someone would take care of me, or I'd get seriously hurt and feel bad for what I've endured.

I think I didn't feel cared for, I didn't feel like anyone's priority, like I didn't even make the lis,t nevermind come up last on it.

Looking at it all now, I think what changed is that over the past year or 2 I've worked hard at making myself a priority, instead of putting everyone else's needs above my own.

*Pats herself on the back because she has something positive to share in therapy.

I am so glad and happy that are making so much progress and able to actually recognise it...

I remember you from years ago when you were really struggling and it gives you me so much hope that you have come so far. x

I am a total attention seeker! I often exaggerate illness or feeling bad to receive a caring response and yes, someone to look after me.

My mother was very mentally ill when we were younger and both my mum's and dad's attention was placed on my mum.

Also, we wasn't taught how to express ourselves in a healthy way. I never felt as though I could because I was scared I would upset my mum and cause another depression.

Anyway, I know why and I know what I am supposed to do but still fall into attention seeking .....

don't be too hard on yourself. You have taken a huge step just recognising it...which isn't easy to do! So now, take a look within and find out what it is and why you need.

I think this is something I do because I don't know how to ask for attention. I don't like to bother my parents or colleagues even though they tell me to because I don't really believe that they are interested in my problems. I always seem to look for negative attention though and then try and avoid it when i get a response which doesn't make a lot of sense. I used to act up at home as a child until the point my mum would loose it and go for me and then barricade myself in my room so she couldn't get to me. I was always disruptive at school to the point where I was almost expelled but would always try and talk my way (unsuccessfully) out of detention. And now I do really risky things including attempts that generally end up with the police showing up even though I hate been arrested and try and escape which ends up in me getting a s136 which is even worse.

Looking at it from a normal perspective it makes me sound really dumb which I'm not at all. But when I get "stressed" I do these things as a coping mechanism which makes sense to me at the time. I also honestly believe in that moment that nobody will notice me because I'm not worth their time and so I won't get arrested. And so although I guess it is attention seeking and manipulative, that's not how I see it when I do it. I only realise when I calm down and then I feel bad about it because I've upset people and wasted their time when I should have just called someone for a chat. But it doesn't occur to me to call someone because I get a thought in my head and just act on it impulsively.