[lauralost]

Sorry if this is the wrong thread... but I think I just had a pretty shocking realization.

So when I was a kid, I was terrified of my mom dying... like, she went away for an hour (shopping, or to church or something) and all I could think of was that she will never come back and I will have to live my miserable life without her... even thinking about this now makes me wanna cry.
Sometimes when I call her and she wont pick up the phone after a few rings I am 100% convinced something terrible happened to her. Sometimes I randomly get these thoughts that some day someone will call me that mom, dad or someone in my family died and I get so damn anxious... but I have never thought this could be related to a mental illness.

Until today I've decided to read up on BPD and found out about this fear of abandonment thing... it was like a kick in the gut really. It would make so much sense... why was I always so afraid of people leaving me, forgetting about me. Last night I was sure my fiancé is cheating on me... we've been living together for 5 years now and he's not at all the skirt-chaser. But I believed it and got so angry... I wanted to scream at him when he'll get home, but luckily I calmed down by that time.
I keep thinking all my friends hate me in secret and one day will team up against me. People stare at me on the bus... they must hate me too. My past experiences with bullying doesn't really help in getting rid of this fear.
Often I catch myself having such intense verbal fights in my head in imagined situations, I completely get lost in it. Like my mind is on fire.

When I meet someone for the first time I can be cool and confident... and soon find myself blurting out info about my life, dreams. Like, hey I've known you for 5 minutes, we are besties now. Oh no, what did you just say? Wow I can't tolerate that, friendship over. People like you are the reason the world is a horrible place. Oh, I am being a jerk again. I hate myself.

On good days I can be incredibly chill... but it only takes a small comment, a bad look and my day is ruined.

I do get suicidal thoughts... either thinking about ending my life or just dying by accident. I've only cut myself once, 7 years ago. But recently I got the urge again. There is no way I could hide the scars from my fiancé, so I just pushed my nails in my skin until it hurt.

I don't think I have any impulsivities... unless eating too much candy counts as one.

At the end of it all I think of myself as an outcast, misunderstood and unappreciated... but I deserve it, I am a horrible person. Why? Uh... I don't know? But the universe hates me so there must be a reason to it and I will die alone and no one will remember me and... do I even have to continue?

So I am not saying I have BPD... but the possibility scares me.

[kaliope]

the only way to know for sure is to talk to a therapist and be evaluated...and it would take some time...bpd is often mistaken when it could be bipolar or ptsd..........take care

[lauralost]

I know, but I can't afford to go to a therapist. So it's not an option.