[isntlifewonderful]

I haven't been posting in a long time, I know. Mainly since so much has been happening. I'm getting out of this institution in december, finally getting tried for borderline for real and starting DBT... all of that is great. However, as my therapist, who I LOVE (to be fair I'm a bit in love with him... he's this intelligent, charming man in his 40-s, with blue eyes and a childish laugh and smile. Also he gets me. No one else does), is questioning the theory of me having BPD although he seemed so sure at first, I'm panicking. He said he thinks I'm mostly psychotic (as I hear voices, get manic at times, dissociate a LOT, am paranoid, sometimes believe my voices can kill people I love and hurt me - they suffocate me very often and I'm pretty sure they killed my bunny and made my little brother sick) and because I can't understand this sick world I'm in I've used borderline structures and defenses to survive. After all, I do have 8/9 BPD-traits and most of them are really bad, he doesn't deny that....
I need inner structures. I HAVE to have concrete facts. His theory is messing with my head as it's different from the "facts" I've stated about myself. I'm so lonely and scared... and I feel guilty for even writing this here as I might not even be a Borderline but where do I even belong? I have nowhere to go. And I can't lay this all on A right now as she, too, is going through hell.

[Espresso]

I posted something similar a couple days ago about freaking out because I was told that maybe it's not BPD. And I felt the same way about "****, if it's not BPD then I don't belong here anymore." I have no advice. All I can do is offer hugs.