[HD7970GHZ]

Hey gang,

I have been struggling with my Mom for years. I have been trying to gain her acceptance, her validation and her love - in a way that I deserve. Letting her go - will be the most painful thing I do - but I think I need to cut the tie and accept her as my Mom; only without really having her there in the way that a Mother ought to be... It's just too painful, trying to get through to her but only ending up hurt - left to my lonesome with all these thoughts and emotions flying around - and never to be understood.

I feel at this point she is just incapable of understanding me. I feel that she has lost her ability to feel empathy for me - and for that reason I just cannot bother setting myself up for failure in search of a relationship that could never exist...

I hope this is just a normal part of growing up. But I feel for some reason that I should have a Mother in my life who fulfills the role, regardless of my age.

When my parents got divorced, we lived with our mother. My brother fell into a co-dependent relationship with her and essentially rid me of the equation. I happened to be very good at many things growing up - and my brother always felt the need to, "smother," any chance of my being validated and loved. It's pathetic, but it's become common knowledge to me over the years. The most painful thing is slowly watching your mother favor your brother over you - through tactful manipulations and cold-hearted selfishness. I hated this side of my brother so much I promised I would never stoop down to the same levels, and I haven't.

Anyways, every-time I try to talk to my Mom about anything - she always ends up running out the room, or avoiding the conversation - saying how things never change. She likes to blame me for everything - because being in a co-dependent relationship with my brother enables her to feel as though she's always in the right. The only way I can get her to actually, "talk," to me - as though she is a mother who loves me as her son - is to talk negatively about my father...

I avoid talking negatively about my father - simply because he is my father and he deserves some respect, regardless of mistakes he has made. When I lived with my mom and my brother - I would defend my dad and they would get mad at me - invalidate me and leave me feeling alone and abandoned... It was hell, and is still goes on to this day.

Just now - was in the same room as my mother as she talked to my brother on the phone and I cannot believe what it sounds like. Everything they talk about they agree upon. They never disagree with one another. It is sickening - and at the same time it is exactly what I want... Why is it I will never get this form of bond with my mother?

I have put my mom through a lot - particularly borderline rages and emotional episodes. She's usually the one I come to when I'm dys-regulated so she has internalized it all into hate for me. Thing I don't understand is how one can possibly change how she perceives me without actually talking and expressing... How is that possible?

Will I always be kept inside a box labelled, "to blame for everything?" Or will my Mom actually learn to listen to what I am saying and care enough to understand more about it? Right now she walks away - literally runs out the door or does whatever she can to run before we can actually talk, and of course my abandonment comes into play and I follow her and things get all out of control.

Simply because she's not willing to listen...

My family taught me that I cannot trust anyone...

Anyone else relate to this?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Travelinglady]

Oh, yes, I think many of us have issues with our mothers. My mother, in fact, had borderline issues herself. I am wondering if your mom might have some, too.

I still crave a truly loving relationship with my mom, although I know intellectually that I will never get it. I have found healthy relationships with therapists, where I have been able to work through many borderline issues. We just need to remember that therapists are human, too, and can't always be there for us. Now I have some good older women friends.

[marmaduke]

I had the same issues as you. My mother adored my sister, worshiped her and agreed with her on everything. I was ignored. Always. Treated as an idiot.
My mother hated me, she told me that.

As I got older the pain of 'not having a mother' and of trying for 40 years to connect with her I eventuality, (and way too late) gave up.

Research on the web revealed my mother had NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and that my family dynamic was typical.

The NPD mother (or father) picks a favorite, her prodigy, her mini me. They become psychologically fused in a abnormal way.
My sister is the same creature as my mother they move as one, think as one. Enmeshed, engulfed and unhealthy.

Both without empathy, they can be very cruel to their chosen scapegoat the one they dump all their unpleasant qualities on.
Something goes wrong in mother/sister life? Guess what? its all MY FAULT. Yup, my fault!
If they broke a nail while in Spain---------------it would be all my fault.

They connive, manipulate and lie. They are destroyers.

My advice. Give up, move on. Make a life for yourself away from these emotional vampires. Dont let them feed on you any more.

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