[Teddy:)]

Have you ever felt like you were becoming a burden to someone and to avoid being abandoned by them you should pull away, but deep down you really don't want to pull away and it scares you so much and makes you upset but you believe that is what they want and it is the safest option?

I hate this feeling!

[Crazy Hitch]

Yes, I'm known to pull away from people and shut them out before they know not to like me and stop being my friend. I push people away all the time.

I do I though because I believe it's in my best interests at the time.

[ifst5]

I relate to this situation at the moment, i've a few people who make me feel like a burden at any opportunity. I'm still all for personal responsibility though - as hard as we make it for anyone involved with us, they can still end things effectively and move on if they want too. Instead things escalate into codependency...i suppose all anyone can aspire too is enough self assurance to handle these situations appropriately.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Teddy , do you think that having a "heart to heart" talk with this/any someone about the way you're feeling might help. Afterall it might be your perception/fears that they're finding you/might find you a burden, rather than the way they actually feel about you.
And you know, if you're right in the feeling that they might want a bit more of their own space, then at least you're giving them that opportunity to give you some feedback on what they'd prefer you to be doing/not doing to keep the relationship strong.
Then of course you'd have some guidelines to work to, and know that while you're sticking to them the other person is happier in the relationship, and hopefully be a bit happier yourself knowing that.
Attachment/abandonment issues can often link in with BPD though, so you're not alone!!
And while sometimes what you might really want from the other person is reassurance/to know that things are "alright", maybe you could work on finding some more of that reassurance inside you??? And perhaps working on a bit of "self monitoring" as well e.g. have I really done/am I really about to do something that might push that person a little further away or not??
And you know maybe a little work on your self-esteem/confidence???
Just some thoughts.
I do know that "technically" it can sound simple put like that, but it really it can be far from that.......but it's great that you're recognising it as a problem for yourself and that you're talking about it, wanting to resolve it........certainly a "step in the right direction". And good on you for looking for support with it!!!

Alison

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey Teddy,

You are not a burden. You are a soulful individual who has blessings and curses - and it takes great strength to push through life while bleeding. You clearly have a lot of insight around this push/pull issue - and by coming here to share you thoughts and feelings, and to seek advice - you clearly want to change... That is good. Be sure to commend yourself for this realization as it is often the hardest part of recovery.

Ultimately, you deserve to be around people who can see past this cycle of pushing and pulling. Unfortunately not all people can see past it. And just because some people may see past it - doesn't necessarily mean they will always put up with it.

Eventually this cycle of pushing and pulling catches up to us - and before long - we are left with a plethora of strained relationships - many of which become mere remnants of guilt and shame in our mind - that attack us whenever we are most vulnerable - in our loneliness. In realizing this - we are reminded of the importance of building a stable set of supports, so that if we lose one relationship - we have others to lean on instead of being alone and feeling abandoned. By having multiple supports - we can relieve these feelings of potential abandonment - and thus, can lessen the pushing and pulling of others - because we do not place 100% of our relational emphasis on one; single relationship. If we can do this - loosing that relationship is no longer seen as a sign that the end of the world is happening right before our eyes... Because even if we do loose that one relationship - we have others we can count on.

I have lots of experience in pushing and pulling.

Your question was this, "Have you ever felt like you were becoming a burden to someone and to avoid being abandoned by them you should pull away, but deep down you really don't want to pull away and it scares you so much and makes you upset but you believe that is what they want and it is the safest option?"

To answer your question - yes. I have done this. I still do this.

The function of pushing and pulling in a relationship is to test its stability. Because we have been abandoned in the past - we feel the need to test relationships in order to determine the level of commitment and vulnerability we are willing to put in - as a response to [valid, but often times; irrationally based] fears of abandonment.

Irrationality would say: "Why would I commit to a relationship if I know I will be abandoned and harmed deeply?"

Fact would say: "We don't know and can't know if a relationship will cause us harm - because we can't see the future."

Logic would then say: "Because I don't know if a relationship will cause me harm - I should commit to the relationship - and try my best to stay present and not interfere - with what hasn't yet happened."

Easier said than done! As much as we fight to do the logical thing - our irrational side takes over and we experience feelings of potential abandonment. Because our feelings are so intense - we are often blindsided by them and literally come to believe we are being abandoned - and thus, we choose to push the relationship away - and fulfill the path of irrationality.

Relationships are hard for us, but we need them. The difficulty can be in learning how to ride the waves of paranoia and fear - so that we do not act on impulse and make matters worse. We often interpret minor slights as being signs of impending abandonment - and thus - we spare ourselves [potential harm] by removing ourselves from the vulnerability that is associated with our relationship. We are comfortable doing so - because [at the time of distress] we rationalize that we are saving ourselves from the threat of possible abandonment - and since it is our worst fear: we can live with the choice to abandon others before they do us. In doing so - we can minimize the intensity of being abandoned - because we often feel like we are in control... Lets face it - it is much easier to justify leaving a relationship if we sense potential abandonment - than if we choose to stay strong and stick it out - only to be left abandoned and wondering why, how, etc...

Ironically, this only leads to more loneliness and abandonment. And this is not good for us. Sometimes it is hard to know what is best for us - because we literally cannot know.

Relationships can be very painful for us. But sometimes we need to let go - stop trying to change something we believe is happening - and have some faith and learn to trust that our friends, family or lovers - are capable of understanding us on a more empathetic level - so as to put up with our occasional bouts of neurotic behavior and recognize the, "source," of these problems we have. Perhaps they will come to see that we are in pain - and that we need them very much.

Sometimes, showing our true colors is what determines if a friendship is genuine or not - and in my experience - I only ever want genuine relationships... If someone runs away the moment I show them my emotional side - they are simply not worth my time. In being my neurotic self in their company - I can gauge just how genuine the relationship is - based on how they respond to it. However, this is not the ultimate method of determining whether a friendship or relationship is meant to be. Sometimes people put up with our behavior and for all the wrong reasons - and this leads to cycles and the continuation of negative behaviors and codependency, etc. What we need is someone who understands the importance of balance, accepts and supports us on a genuine level, but who confronts and challenges us with the sole purpose of helping us be the best that we can be.

There is always room for improvement.

EX: A therapist.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz