Hubby is sick and I make it all about me

Basically, my hubby woke up feeling under the weather and groggy...throughout the day he was snippy and inpatient. I took it all to heart and convinced myself it was personal...even though he told me he was sick, I couldn't grasp his actions had nothing to do with something I'd done. So I started snipping back and had a go at him for the way he was speaking to me. He said he wasn't talking to me badly, he was just sick and groggy and my perception was all wrong.

So just recently I had another go at him and told him he needed to speak nicer to me Well this pissed him off and told me again he is just sick and it is nothing personal.

Instead of caring for my husband, I spent the day having a go at him Even when I did have moments of grasping he was sick, I'd still ask him 'are we ok?' and he eventually got fed up of me asking as he said I was asking to reassure myself and not asking him because I cared he was sick

Why am I so selfish?. He has gone to bed and I can see it, I can see how he would be acting off because he is sick but at the time, I can't help it, I can't see anything else other then me being to blame for his off mood.

I started the day off happy but then when I saw his mood, mine quickly turned into feelings of insecurity and anger. I HATE BEING SO MESSED UP! (

I really must learn not to jump to my first thought or feeling about a thing when feeling a strong emotion of any kind because I am almost always wrong and it takes for me to calm down and think about it before I come to a reasonable conclusion.

Even saying that, I know if he got back up I'd start taking it all personally again! Why can't I reason with my emotional self?

Dear allme, we all make mistakes in judgement. Being perfectly attuned to another person is not my native skill.
Maybe he was treating you badly but he couldn't help it. It isn't easy being around a sick person. I know from experience - lol
Just don't play the blame game. Start again. Maybe you are overtired. A good night's sleep maybe the way to go. If you sleep together and he is sick maybe camping out on the couch would be good for you..

If you are on meds, maybe it is time for your pdoc to adjust, or begin them if you are not.

Non reaction is a skill we can develop with mindfulness training with counting the breath from 1 to 10. 1 inhale 2 exhale 3 inhale etc to 10 then return to one if you reach 10 or mess up the count. I often end up on 17. no worry, no blame
Try it and see if there are less pesky thoughts. Early in AM when I awaken and before sleeping are good times.

Don't beat yourself up about this.

It's not easy being around someone who is ill. I'm pretty sure he wasn't exactly giving off positive vibes whilst he was unwell. That's not really easy to handle.

You've reassessed the situation.

He won't be unwell forever and you will move through this. Hang in there.

Hey, thank you!

Well it went on to get worse and I had a total flip out rage yesterday. I can see why and how it happened but it seems I can only see these things after the incident. I am feeling pretty bad about it right now and pretty bad about myself.

allme,

Unfortunately hindsight is always my better view ...

And then I land up feeling bad about things that I've said or done.

We need to be careful about what we say to our significant others but the reality is we are going to have moments where we lash out emotionally.

Usually my rage can go from 0-100 in seconds.

It's taken me a LONG time to walk away bloody fast when I know I'm over the edge. Not necessarily the best advice but it's that or say something I regret. You can try that then come here to psychcental and scream and vent.

We can listen because we understand and your emotions will be heard.

Take care.

Hey Allme,

I am sorry you are troubled by your circumstances. You are a very strong person to come here and share and ask for advice and understanding. And you are very insightful! From reading your post - it's amazing to read how you write about your experience as though you are your own therapist! You definitely have what it takes to do what is best for your relationship.

I think you should give yourself some slack. I know how it can be when we make mistakes and we come to realize that we have reacted poorly in a situation. However, the issue here isn't that you made the mistake. I say this because you have already taken full responsibility for any mistakes you have made. You are fully aware that you could have done differently. That is amazing and you should congratulate yourself on that.

The issue - is that you continue to beat yourself up for it.

Here's some insight that may help you: I know that when I am sick - I don't want to be around anyone. It hurts to talk, it hurts to look up and I especially hate the feeling of others in my proximity when I am feeling ill. Even when people are in the same house - I feel aches and pains from sounds of doors and televisions. Stimulation makes me worse when I am sick. Intense nausea to me is the worst form of torture - and it takes a ton of effort just to listen to others talk. In saying this - just know that your husband not wanting you around while he is sick - is something that I know to be valid - from my own experience with being ill. Perhaps it is different for you and it makes it harder to understand. It is normal for people to isolate and hide when they are sick - plus it keeps them from getting you sick too.

Here's a way to make up for it:

Next time your husband is sick (or better yet; if he is still sick) - bring him some soup, some Kleenex or whatever suits the illness. But especially - bring him a blanket and put it on him nicely. Do this as a surprise - and don't say anything major unless he speaks to you first.

*The idea is to provide comfort - no drama *

Then leave the room.

Only come back to him if he asks for you or if you absolutely must enter the room - but definitely create a buffer of time - so that he will most likely come to you.

I hope all is well,

HD7970ghz

Dear allme, your thoughts show that your heart is in the right place. Dealing with our over-the-top emotions is very difficult. We can see that our reactions are "wrong" but can't stop ourselves. The only help I can suggest is DBT. If it is available please take advantage of it. It will help a lot with dealing with your emotions and your taking everything personally.

Just to throw the other viewpoint in, being sick doesn't give anyone the right to be snappy and expect others to put up with it. It's understandable as feeling unwell makes us more vulnerable to our emotions but sometimes others may just lose a bit of patience which is also understandable.
Maybe it would help to see him as vulnerable right now like we are with our BPD. Maybe think, when I'm moody what would I need from others and respond that way.
Of course if he gets real snappy and you feel a rage coming on it might be best to get some space and take a long hot bath or meditate. Leave his germs to grump with him!

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we are emotional individuals, people with BP. Just because he is sick does not give him the right to bite your head off.

Thanks

I guess I am a little confused now...all I know is he awfully patient with me and my mood swings...even with my rages he is understanding (not quite at the time!) so I guess I feel I should of been more understanding of him and maybe I shouldn't of gone on to him about the way him being sick was making me feel. We're all allowed a bad day right? Well yes of course but I won't allow that! I take his bad days as something personal which leads my mind into chaos ultimately worried he has stopped loving me and will leave me. Or I accuse him of abusing me....

I don't purposely set out not to let him feel and own his emotions, I attack him out of fear and my own insecurities....it is all very selfish. He actually has told me he doesn't feel as though he's allowed to have a bad day.

I am so done with it all