Undiagnosing myself: best decision I ever made

A while ago, I renounced my labels, and I just wanted to share with y'all that it turned out to be the best decision I have ever made (I also fed the dumpster my MI books).

My experience:

- Not thinking with the "BPD" or "Bipolar" mindset allows me to feel much less distant from the crowd. The notion that we're all "just people" (and all people have issues) makes it much easier to feel empathy and compassion for others.
- I'm much more relaxed, my anxiety has eased up a LOT. This is HUGE for me. Because I'm just another person, I don't need to be constantly worried about any special issues that I face.
- No doctors, no therapy, no illusions of well-being or recovery. Not to mention, a smaller hole in my pocket !!!

Life is much simpler this way ! I'm lovin it !

I never thought this moment would come, but I think I'm coming close to this special state of mind that people call "happiness". No, it's not hypomania. I've suffered long enough to know the difference This is not transient, it feels lasting.

I am happy that this has worked for you!

Yet you're back on a support site? Are you perhaps struggling more than you feel you can tell us? Please don't confuse my questioning your integrity with WANTING to question it. I'm merely concerned for you. Remember, we none of us can be cured, so should the focus be on freedom regardless of what that freedom is? I know that's a question i put to myself often.

Hey, thanks for your response. I'm not back Just thought I'd share this with y'all. I didn't feel a compulsion or urge to be back.

I never said all my problems have been solved. I just look at my problems in a different light, and that really is working quite well. I don't lie on this forum about my suffering, so no reason to lie about any small successes.

Don't be concerned about me Really just wanted to share that, perhaps, a radical alternative approach can work for some.

I realize I didn't answer your question - "Remember, we none of us can be cured, so should the focus be on freedom regardless of what that freedom is?"

If I understood you correctly, you're suggesting that I'm perhaps chasing the wrong feeling in life - freedom ?

My answer would be - find your own happiness, "work out your own salvation/redemption", find your own way of coping with the world. Whatever makes you happy, whatever floats your boat, all that. The problem (BPD) is way too complicated for one solution to apply to all or work for all, so find your own solution.

I guess I'm saying yes

Correct me if I didn't understand your question.

I'm asking the same thing of you. Yet maybe neither of us have the right? How we are each affected by repression is another matter. For me, i'm trying not to get caught in the ever twisting whirl between circumstance, intelligence and instinct. I feel like if I do, i'll be thrown from it without ever having gained peace. Perhaps the same is also true for you? I don't mean to incite uncertainty and provoke confusion. Perhaps i should have just offered a hug instead? I'd like to give you one anyway (if ok).

I can't stand labels. Yeah they help when determining something's relevance and adequate position but it also separates things. It draws the line between the you's and I's when in reality, we're both humans and probably more similar than previously thought.

For example: Two rival football teams from separate schools in a certain county despise each other. They verse each other, with kids of the same age, same stature, yet still there's still a lingering tension--them and us. Fast forward to the end of the season, there will be a county verse county game. Now both teams from the mentioned county are forced to be teammates. At first things are awkward and tense but as the practices commence so does the growing comradery. They soon realize, there was no difference after all. Both teams were full of motivated athletes separated only by the name in which they referred to themselves.

I had a psychiatrist once ask me if I am my disorder. If he were to tell me that it is all gone, would I miss having it to identify with. I think he had a point at the time but then that is a core issue i have. I find it difficult to know who I am without grabbing onto something temporarily and calling it my own. Sorta like the way a hermit crab moves from home to home i think.

You're very sweet Hugs back at you

Please don't be offended, but I think you're overthinking the problem (I've done the same) ... sometimes, I think the simplest solution is the best. Sounds so cliche ... but really, my life literally just changed the moment I threw those f __king books out and undiagnosed myself. A point of view was all it took for me. Again, I'm not 100% cured, but I feel like a big life change is underway, and I'm actually able to enjoy life for a change.

Wish you the very very bestest of the best

I totally understand what you are saying and have done it myself to a certain degree. The less emphasis I put on having bpd the less symptoms. I was the woman who checked her husbands phone and accused him of cheating and lying. That was almost 5 years ago. Last time I went into his phone was to get a photo, the urge to keep looking did come but I didnt. It feels so good.

It's like when you are bpd vs having bpd you tend to not identify as much with it with the latter. Therfore the less symptoms you are having because of the less emphasis you tend to notice the symptoms you do have because they are fewer and farther between. They are more bold and noticeable and don't run into one another. They are much easier to address logically and ultimately are squashed faster than a busy bpd stuck in her head.

This is something I currently struggle with.

There's grey in this matter.

I have borderline. I'm a textbook case. All that means is I've got a label that comes with a set of treatments. I could allow myself to interpret it as being who I am... In doing so - I could find a sense of identity in knowing that I am borderline and adopt an unwillingness to change. Afterall, why would I want to change if I like who I am? Suddenly being borderline is a good thing because its comfortable knowing theres an explanation for my problems - and I don't have to take full responsibility for my life because it seems to be completely out of my hands...

We can see how this could become circular... And for some people it does.

The importance of accepting my diagnosis of borderline is extremely helpful to me - because I can learn to be more aware of my incoming torrential emotions. I don't look at accepting my diagnosis as debilitating because I don't fall into the trap of thinking I am my illness.

In remaining aware of my borderline traits - accepting the diagnosis - and not associating my illness with who I am : I am a better person.

This has been my experience. Ultimately a diagnosis to someone could be interpreted in a million different ways. Lilodian - it sounds like you've found the way that best suits your needs. I am truly happy for you. But don't forget you are one point of view.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hey HD !

There's definitely grey area and a lot of subjectivity in this matter. There are pros and cons both ways (and many other ways). I've also tried what works for you ... didn't work for me.

I find that complete detachment from the diagnosis makes me more relaxed, and since anxiety is the root of all evil for me, it seems to help the best, out of all the options I have explored.

I'm glad you've found a way to separate the diagnosis from your identity. Whatever works for you is what shall be and what should prevail !

I would say that I've in a way "undiagnosed" myself too, but I haven't disregarded it alltogether because it's a fitting diagnosis and helps me understand parts of myself. I've just leaned more towards accepting that I'm a human and we all have issues, perhaps I do so more than some people.

And I reject the idea that people with BPD can't recover.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense? I'm glad you're getting better, lilodian4ever.

Hi lilodian, just dropped by to say that I'm REALLY pleased for you that you are doing so well

It really is EXCELLENT news and thank you so much for sharing.



Alison

And P.S You still know where we are if you do need any extra support anytime, right??!!

Hey Alison ! It's so nice to hear from you

Thanks so much for the encouragement. Very nice to hear

Hope you're doing well !

Upon reading these replies this morning, I find it cool that we all have interesting points and also many similarities.

My thoughts about bpd have changed several times over the years. I have been aware that I probably had bpd when I took psych-101 in college. I guess I was around 19 or 20 years old. At first, like most of you, there was relief and shock at the same time. Still, until I was officially diagnosed at age 33 (approximately), I thought there was always a chance I didn't have it and I'd just mature and get better.

When it was "official" by several professionals agreeing independently, I took hold of it and it was then me. During this time was when a psychiatrist told me what I wrote about above. That I'd basically be lost if they took it away. This 'era' lasted quite a while and I was at my worst. I had everything on the list with only ocassional dissociation.

Skip ahead 8 years or so I begsn to see my symptoms drop off one by one. At one point I had less than the dsm deemed necessary to be diagnosed with bpd. From that point I was still left with symptoms but I worked on them one by one. This was also when I began to agree that one can recover from bpd.

Around age 40 until now, 43, I began to accumulate the symptoms again that I had once lost. The stress of my marriage turning to $h1+ uncovered all the dormant symptoms and I got to where I am now. I am someone who is stuck. I have several issues/symptoms that need working on. Coincidentally, when you look at them as a whole they equal a personality disorder.

Sorry that was so long.

Achy Turtle Armor: Thank you for sharing ! That is very interesting and also sad I'm glad to hear that you were able to recover, at least for a few years.

It sounds like your co-dependence on your husband (which is normal for any married person, I suppose) played a huge role in the return of your symptoms. Do you agree ? I think it is very unfortunate that relationships have to be such huge gambles. When you enter a relationship, esp. one as serious as marriage, I think you relinquish some control over your emotions and over your future.

I must admit - a huge part of why I feel in control of my life at this moment is because I am a complete loner and I let NO ONE into my life. I refuse to give anyone control over me, because I've done that way too many times and seen myself crushed. I EXPECT NOTHING from anyone .. not even respect or tolerance. If someone were to spit in my face today, I'd think to myself, "Oh, maybe this person is having a bad day. Let it go", say to them, "Have a nice day", and walk away to the next part of my day. I have noticed a huge improvement in my anger control recently, and I attribute that to not expecting diddly from anyone.

Most would think, on paper, that I'm a complete loser in life. However, I equate happiness with things like simplicity and stability and control. If I feel like I'm in control of my emotions and of life, and I can reasonably predict tomorrow, I feel like I can enjoy life. I have always been a very angry person, and after 31 years, to finally see myself being able to control my anger, is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT and is very satisfying.

I simply cannot see myself ever handing over control of my emotions to anyone else. To me, that's like giving someone a loaded gun, with the barrel pointing at my heart.

Sorry, that's just how I think. I'm sure most would disagree.

I'm on my way back on track.

I just got rid of my big stressor. My mentally abusive, depressed, do nothing, controlling husband.

Right now my T and I are working on my transference issue. I really think that if I can resolve these feelings then I will be able to recover and have a happier life. What worries me is that i think my abandonment began at birth.