New here and somewhat overcome

Hello,

My name is Ciaran. I'm a 32 year old, gay male and my partner of 3 years ended our relationship last night.

I have not been diagnosed with BPD, however recently I have noticed that in my past long term relationships, as in this one; i display the same traits over and over again. After this has happened so many times, I can no longer keep putting it down to people being selfish or not as giving as I am and instead have to face the possibility that the problem may be with myself.

Upon reading alot around the subject, many of the traits of BPD seem similar to how I approach the world, except for the self harming aspects and the concept of not existing. (which i dont fully understand).

At the moment I am feeling somewhat lost, as for 16 years of dating I have had crystal clear conviction that I was in the right, that I was logical and fair and now finally I'm starting to see that maybe that isn't the case. Maybe the world isn't black and white and that gray isn't just people lying.

This terrifies me as it means I may have driven so many nice, gentle and kind people away without even realising what I was doing. I can not express the sorrow and self doubt that this brings me. The possibility that I may have hurt people I loved, while thinking I was being completely logical...well it breaks my heart.

I don't really understand what I hope to achive from being here, but I suppose it centres on trying to develope a deeper understanding of myself and if I belong within your community.

My ex (of now 36 hours) is someone I love deeply, but for some reason I just couldnt stop arguing with him. All the time. Everything he did I found made me feel awful and made me feel taken for granted and less than how I wanted to feel. I always just considered myself incredibly sensitive, but yet very well adjusted and now I'm left with serious doubts as to if this is the case.

Anyway I just wanted to introduce myself and hope that in time I can understand who I am and where i fit in this world.

(p.s in response to being dumped, I have taken stock and contacted a counselor with the hope that they can assist me in improving my behavioral responses, however I am considering contacting a psychologist/psychiatrist instead for an initial diagnosis as I am aware how unreliable self diagnosis can be; but i genuinely don't want to hurt anybody anymore, as I really can't cope with that image of me)

Welcome to PsychCentral Torel! You have taken the first step toward getting better by admitting that there is a problem. Coming here is another great step. It's great that you have already contacted a counselor. Good Luck to you!

Hi Torel

I think you're approachin the situation in a very sensible way.

The best place to start is with a professional diagnosis, regardless of what that diagnosis may be.

I understand when you say you can identify traits within yourself but not necessarily all of them - because you wouldn't have to for a diagnosis- just 5 of the 9 criteria so it can look so different in all of us.

Keep us up to date and let us know how you get along.

I know what a difficult time this must be for you right now.

Take care.