Emotional rollercoaster

silentangel1969 · Dec 12, 2014, 03:04 PM

Life has many ups and downs, mine seems to be on a giant corkscrew that won't stop.
My life is so complicated I don't even know where to start.
How can I trust someone on words alone when all I see is what happened in the past is similar to what happening now with the same person? I haven't even had my first counseling visit. I have zero tools.

gayleggg · Dec 12, 2014, 03:28 PM

I can relate to your post. I'm having the same problem and it has left me irritable and cranky. Quite b****y, too. It's hard to believe words when the actions of a person doesn't reflect the promises. I've been in therapy but it is still difficult to handle on a daily basis. Having private time for myself seems to help and so does posting on PC. I hope things get better for you.

Frankbtl · Dec 13, 2014, 01:54 PM

Hi silentangel, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time

Is it possible to trust that person in certain areas but less so in other areas??? Or maybe adjust your expectations of that person until they've clearly shown you that you can trust them??? Maybe invest a little less of yourself in that person for now???
I'd say that the main focus should be on trying to protect yourself from being hurt though, and if you have suspicions that maybe...........then perhaps find some ways (with or without them) to make that less likely, prepare yourself more for it, or plan what you'd do if that maybe does come true???
Hopefully we can help you with some tools on here though up until (and after!!) your counseling visit

And if you want to talk more.................
Alison

silentangel1969 · Dec 13, 2014, 02:03 PM

Trying to separate past situation is very difficult bc of my bpd. The someone is my ex that has known me for the past 30 yrs. We currently share a house and have done so for the past 10 yrs. There's been 4 yrs where we haven't shared a home raising our children. He wants to help me and has said he will. I don't know how to explain I need to see in order to believe. With the situation now someone or several will be left with hurting from broken heart.

silentangel1969 · Dec 13, 2014, 02:04 PM

I can trust him in certain areas.

Frankbtl · Dec 13, 2014, 03:28 PM

Hi silentangel, are there then some things you can have him help you with?? And have a plan in place for if he doesn't come through for you?? Perhaps if you set some real clear things you can agree he can do/be trusted to do and then maybe build on them if he can be trusted/if he comes through??
But as for your children...........if there's any help he can give with them even financial or practical which makes things easier for you, then I wouldn't call it "helping", I'd call it his responsibility,
And while it can be important to move on from the past sometimes, is there a real understanding from him about what went wrong in the past, why things went wrong, and any ways you're both using to stop it happening again??
But you mentioned counseling, by the sounds of it some of the issues have been his?? Do you think he'd agree to go along to couples counseling with you?? Even if you're not "together" you're still in a relationship of a kind while you're living together.
And if you're thinking about the consequences being real big if things fall through, maybe you could make it a condition that he goes to counseling with you if you're going to "take a chance" on him??

Alison

silentangel1969 · Dec 13, 2014, 04:54 PM

Thank you Alison. He does help with our children. Always has. I'll take some time an think about what my personal needs are from him to be secure. He has agreed to counseling.

Frankbtl · Dec 13, 2014, 05:24 PM

Hi silentangel, that's great that you're thinking about/looking out for yourself and that he's agreed to counseling

As you know, it isn't as easy as flicking a switch or just telling yourself to trust someone, it can be a journey especially when you've been hurt in the past.
And there's that line between not trusting someone when they are able to be trusted, and trusting someone not trustworthy because you think you "should"/"you're being unreasonable", you're not seeing/validating the "signs"........or just because you need to be able to trust someone and they're just "there".
But it does sound like he's given and maybe giving you some reasons to be hesitant so counseling is a great way to go, for you and for him.

Alison