Running from myself...

***TRIGGER***SI***DRUGS/ALCOHOL***
*
*
*
*
*
*
My therapist and I were talking about my drug use, the other destructive actions, and the reasons behind it. I kept saying that I just wanted to be numb but I knew there's more to it than that. The truth is that I hate myself more than I can describe. The truth is that I am trying to run from myself. The truth is that I can't.

Just tonight, after leaving another NA meeting, I grab a bite to eat but I am not hungry. I should be hungry. I throw away my food, just like I did at breakfast. This is me. Depressed as f***. I get back in my car and I start thinking about those pills I've been taking. Then I can hear my therapist say, "You're playing with fire." Ten minutes or so later I'm playing my music as loud as I can and I'm actually considering drinking alcohol. I hate alcohol. I just want to get out of my head, out of my body, away from ME. Then I remembered the conversation I had and I'm realizing that it is futile.

I don't know but I think it is making me more depressed now. I consider driving by my therapist's house but I know it won't make me feel better, only worse, and I would have to confess. That's the nature of my relationship with him. So I continue to head home and the next thing I start doing is driving very fast. I won't share how fast because it's probably not appropriate. It feels good though. My car is not in top condition but I continue and I can feel the adrenaline rushing through me. This is what I'm looking for. Some kind of high. Anything to get away from my head.

So now I'm back home and I am thinking that I just need to share this because it helps a little and I'm wondering if others get this way. My plan now is to bundle up and take the girls (my dogs) for a brisk walk. The thing is though I can't walk forever...

I'm scared of what I might do next to try to escape. I feel unable to just be by myself at night. The nights are the worst. I have plans for the day time Saturday and Sunday but the nights keep coming and I am realizing that I am unable to get away from myself. I see a tiny, shiny, sharp piece of metal in my future. It all makes me feel even worse about myself. I just hope that it stays cold for a while so I can keep hiding the marks of hate.

If you read this far... Thanks for taking the time to read it.

I completely understand where your coming from.

I previously took 2 overdoses last year and 1 this year. I drive down main roads ridiculously fast hoping that I'd loose control of the car and bounce of a tree after seeing a sign post saying there is 72 crashes on that strip of road a year. This doesn't make me drive any more carefully.

Now I can't drive at all because I'm dangerous.

I know what it's like when nothing you do makes you feel any better. I know how bad it gets

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

How does it feel to do that many unsuccessful suicide attempts in such a short period of time. Do you wake up feeling mad? How do u feel about the person or people who found u? Did they permanently take your drivers license away. How does your therapist deal with not knowing you will be alive for the next session? Just curious here.

ATA- just a note. U have been seeing this T for 10 + years. Do u think u could see if u could see another one or get into DBT. U and ur therapist may be ineffective at this point keeping u stuck. I was in a 9 yr relationship and until I got out thanks to him firing me everything was just at a standstill no marketable improvement.

No, I chose to give it up. I do feel really mad that I can't seem to succeed and I do try hard. The last one caused me 2 heart attacks.

Nobody ever finds me, I make sure of that. I isolate myself.

I guess that she just never knows what could happen one week to the next. I see 2 a week, they both say I need a huge safety net. Dealing with all of this is very hard. I am now developing symptoms of schizophrenia.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm not sure if I have shared this before but my relationship with my therapist is not as bad as it may seem on the outside.

***TRIGGER***SI***SU***

I started seeing him sometime in '04 I think. That year and the following were tough for me. I was at my worst. I had all of the borderline traits. No job. Took care of my mom until she died in '05. I was in and out of the psych floor of the hospital more times than I can remember. First I was seeing him twice a week, then once a week, & twice a month by the end of 2005. I also got a job that year. I then went to monthly in '07. I was engaged and promoted as a manager that year. By the time I was married in '08 I was seeing him only 6 times a year. By the time 2014 rolled around I was only seeing him 4 times a year. To be clear, the amount that I saw him correlated with how well I was.

I think it was 2012 that my husband stopped talking his antidepressants. Our relationship slowly deteorated. He had become verbally and mentally abusive. I started to secretly smoke pot again after being clean for 5 years or so. I thought it was the only way I could survive his crap. Those 2 factors started my decline though it was so gradual I didn't see it.

This past summer, in June, my therapist told me to start coming in every other week because it was clear I wasn't doing well. Later that month I tried to kill myself because it was the only way I could see out of the relationship. My husband actually walked in on me, saw what I was doing, questioned me as to what I was doing, and turned around and left me alone with no other reaction. I called my therapist the next day and told him that I needed to be placed IP.

I got the strength in the hospital to ask my husband to get himself help and back on his meds. When he refused I told him that I wanted a divorce. I moved in with a friend for 3 months until I got him out of the house. I was actually improving again. Losing weight, exercising, doing yoga, and focusing on the divorce. I was seeing him monthly at this point.

When my ex finally left in November I moved back home. Again I started to decline. My therapist said that he was surprised that I never celebrated the divorce and my freedom. His words were, "You went straight back to the drugs and your pathological obsession with me." So we've been working on this for the past few months and I suppose that he was trying to be patient with me and was waiting for me to get back to where I was but it wasn't happening.

Only a week ago my therapist called me one evening after I had sent him 3 messages in one day. I was angry with him. He told me that he was giving me 3 options. First, if I was truly suicidal I needed to go back to the hospital. The 2nd option was that he wanted to start seeing me every other week instead of monthly. I also had to start going to either NA or AA for help with quitting the weed. The 3rd option was for us to work together to find me a new therapist that will work with a pot head.

Again, to quote him, "I am at a place in my career where I can choose who I work with and I don't want to work with people who don't want to get well. If you're really interested in getting well, like before, you can't do it while smoking pot like you are. There was a time that we could talk and get things done. The boundaries weren't as strict as they are now. I visited with you at your job twice. I think I even gave you a hug. I couldn't do that now. It would be too damaging to you. I want you to get back there. You're still my most successful patient."

I am sorry that was so long but it kinda had to be to explain why I am still with him after 10+ years. By the way, I chose the 2nd option. Oh, one more thing. I have done dbt & cbt when I was in the Menninger psych hospital before I met my therapist. I still try to use some of the tools I learned but it has been a long time and I'm a bit rusty.

T/W suicidal intent

Last year I attempted to OD twice and I frequently find myself crossing roads recklessly or waiting until cars are there to cross when it gets very bad so maybe one will kill me and I wouldn't have to be alive again. I often find myself going to clubs and various groups to get away from myself, but often go off those groups or force myself to go even when I don't want to to feed off the people in them. I'm leaving uni soon and transferring but my mum says she doesn't even know if this is selfdescturctive or not because so much I do is she can't keep track. Even if it's not I'm sure I'll do something self-destructive soon. -gives sympathy-

Dear friend,

What is it that would make you stop feeling depressed ? What would you like to have, that would wipe away the depression ? Think about all of it, for a minute. No matter how much of a fantasy it is, take note of it.

A different job ? Would having a lover help ? A close friend to come over and watch a movie with you on those lonely nights you so dread ? A cleaner more organized home ?

Sometimes, it helps just to fantasize about the things you'd like to have but are having a hard time obtaining. And some of those things you want may not be out of reach, so try to get them ! Something needs to change, right ? Make the change happen for yourself ... no one else can be relied on, usually

Do you isolate yourself completely from others ? Why ? Can you reach out to others so you don't feel so alone, even if it is just for an hour every week/weekend ? Can you join a book club or a dog walkers club ?

I almost died in a drunken and reckless driving accident at 65 mph that totaled my car and almost got me a DUI. From experience, friend, it's not worth it What if you get a DUI ? Worse, what if you end up paralyzed or hurting others on the road ? You would end up in a worse place than you are now

Please try to find a different way to release your anger and get that high you want. Run as fast as you can ?

Please try to find a way to come closer to other people, to bring other people into your life. It is the simplest yet most powerful way to change your life.

Hugs

I'm going to have to give all of this some thought. Just wanted to let you know that. Also I am not drinking, nor drinking and driving. I do not want to hurt anyone but myself. Thanks for such a thoughtful reply. It is a lot to take in but very much appreciated. Thanks for calling me your friend.