Alcohol and BPD

Really got to the point where I have to be drunk all the time - or at least tipsy - to not lose it and just finish myself off because of stress, boredom and anxiety. Tried AA but it didn't work for me at all. Found it really uncomfortable although I did go for month-long periods at a time, about six times. Also tried out-patient rehab but same thing there. It's such a horrible embarrassing and shameful condition and I hate myself and blame myself for it but just cannot stop. I lie to everyone about how much I drink. Most people don't realise I'm ALWAYS drinking - or if they do they don't say anything. My mother just says "It's your mouth, don't put alcohol in it" which seems pretty much most people's attitude. I've been drinking heavily since I was 15 (I'm 31 now) and it's always been a problem but over the past couple of years since I've been out of office jobs it's been CONSTANT. It's the only thing keeping me alive but I also know it's destroying me. Any advice, lovely Psych-Centrallers?

hey blue whisky....I think that fact that you recognize why you drink is a good start. alcoholism is a disease. and I think it is great that you have gone to aa meetings and told your mother. yes you may go a time without drinking, and then pick up a bottle. at that moment give yourself a minute to ask why you feel like having that drink. recognize that feeling for what it is. with that in mind,if you still take that drink, then at least you will know what that emotion is at the time. perhaps there is a pattern. so if you decide to drink then feel that remorse or embarrassment, please remember it all one day at a time. so many times the shame, hurt,remorse, embarrassment is the reason why people choose to drink, but whatever those negative feelings are, they will still be there when you are sober. perhaps understanding know what leads up to those feelings and how to manage them. I don't know if any of this helps. I do not have a drinking problem,but my ex-husband is an alcoholic. I have attended numerous alanon meetings. but it is easy for me to say do this or do that, because I am not the dealing with it. please hang there

Can't offer any help, only share my experience.

I was an alcoholic for 2 years straight, and I will admit - alcohol is a very effective way of keeping the pain out, albeit temporarily.

Hey.
To have bpd and alcoholism is not pleasant. I become alcoholic becouse I have bpd. I didn't know how to cope with bpd alcohol was cheap and legal to get medicine to get rid of myself.
I'm going to AA. First AA in my city is for me only place I can go and feel safe. I go to 7 ( now because I'm on medical leave even more) mtgs a week. I have 2 home groups. 1 friend my sponsor. Brain freeze.
I'll go to AA becouse I can be useful I can help. And it's surprising me poeple (each individual person) like me as I am.
It's hard to quit drinking on self. It's hard but not impossible.
I don't know how much u know about alcoholism.

I dislike the process of drinking and I have Asian flush so I'm not an alcoholic per se, but I understand the relief being buzzed/drunk gives. My experience has been with other methods of soothing myself (e.g. SI) though in essence we're both seeking the same thing. It's shameful and makes us hate ourselves but it's also what keeps us going another day. I guess I'm not qualified to give advice because it's not like I've solved my own problems already, but I did find it helpful to get support from my Ts. Two of mine (my favourite two) seemed to view it as something that I could only stop when I at least have the desire to so they just told me to watch out for hygiene. I agree with their point that the client needs to want to stop it before therapy can work but it was still nice to have someone care where and how I was in it all.

I self injure too, usually when drunk. But alcohol is the only thing that really makes me feel able to cope. I get terrible hangovers too so a hair of the dog stops me being physically sick as well.

I would say it this moment and the state of your mind alcohol is ONLY one thing that really makes u feel the way u r feeling. I can relate to SI while I was drunk.
I was drinking 24 hrs a day while taking huge dose of antidepressants and mood stabilators. BTW 80 mg of Prozac a day helped me cope with SI.
I came to point I had to choose between medicine and alcohol and after a little argue with dr I stopped taking medicine and choose alcohol.
In that moment there was no other way for me. Now I know it was my alcoholism talking. I hope u gonna find better way for coping with your bpd.

I can't take SSRIs at all - they send me loopy. Tried them all. Including while totally off the drink.

For here and now I choose to not to take any antidepressants and I don't have any choose to alcohol other then not to pick up first drink.
Now I'm driving (as passenger) with friend of mine from AA to some place I don't even know where to help her with her kids to have fun. I didn't wanna go at first but I thought about her and that she may need help so I finally went. It's my coping thing to get rid of myself.

Hey BlueWhisky,

I am sorry to hear about your struggles... You show a strong desire to quit drinking and I think that is a huge realization. Please don't forget to show yourself self-compassion despite your undesirable addiction.

I myself, have never struggled with alcoholism. (Though I do have urges) Many of my aunts and uncles are alcoholics and growing up around them was not always a fun experience. My father was a borderline sufferer and he was also an alcoholic for many many years. I'm guessing for about 15 or 20 years. The thing that turned me away from alcohol was seeing firsthand the effects that it can have. Luckily I managed to avoid the alcoholic side of things - but managed to attain the borderline pathology... (I don't know what's worse)

My father had to make major changes in his life in order to stop drinking. He had to leave his wife (my mom) and leave us kids in order to see that his issues and his drinking problems followed him around. Up until that point - my father would happily keep drinking and blame us for all his problems - but we all knew that was not true... It was a very painful experience for everyone.

What I am saying is - curing yourself from alcoholism if VERY possible. I've seen it first hand and let me tell you - the difference in my father these days is absolutely amazing. He still struggles with his borderline issues but he's come to understand that he needs to make a continued effort in order to change. No one is perfect - and having a problem with alcohol amidst a diagnosis like the one we have tends to make sense...

You can quit drinking. The important thing to do is seek out help in some way - however small. Know that when one drops a maladaptive behavior - one needs to replace it with something else - or one risks falling back into the same maladaptive behavior. Think of it like: replacing drinking with something else. We all need, 'something,' to distract ourselves with and utilize when the pain comes up. Whatever you do - make sure you find other things to fill your time with, otherwise falling back into drinking could happen very quickly.

I hope I was not rude in anything I wrote,

Have a good one,
HD

If I could be more creative I know I could replace it with that. When I finally get "into" a drawing or something I forget the wine next to me. But it's just starting that drawing...

this is actually happening to me now! the buzz helps to numb out the badness, and and the ****ers who wanna see me fail, those ****ers!

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Being drunk is just like a massive warm hug... but one that makes everything worse!

yup I know but it's the only thing that'll take the edge off of all the ****

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You said 2 very important things.

1. Being drunk is just like a massive warm hug... but one that makes everything worse!

You know it makes things worse - keep telling yourself that. I know it's hard to do so - when I drank, I knew I was causing damage because I really believe I deserved it. I was hurting myself because I thought I was hurting back all the people who hurt me first. My thinking was so wrong. I was only hurting me.

2." It's the only thing keeping me alive"
In reality it's slowly killing you. And I know that in your brain, which is capable of so many powerful and wonderful things, you will find something other than alcohol to keep you alive - you will find something. You need to be clear of emotions and alcohol to find that wonderful thing in your life worth living for and I can tell you one...even if I don't know you....

YOU!

It's all about escape, we all do it one way or another.

I'm blown away by your post. I am currently experiencing the exact same thing. It's a nightmare, and unfortunately my demons come out when I'm super drunk. I sometimes act like a jerk to my wife and I don't understand why I can't just be normal!!! It helps settle the anxiety and the racing thoughts though. plus I think everyone hates me and are analyzing me when I'm sober, so being drunk or buzzed takes that edge away.

It kills anxiety and yet creates it too - argh! xx

i can relate to this , this is a relatively new issue for me.