So I had a bit of a breakdown today in therapy. That is difficult for me; I don't like crying in front of other people, even my T, and I usually fight it tooth and nail. I get frustrated, resistant, and angry before I finally break down in tears. I was talking about relationships (more of what I've been talking about over in the relationships forum). We were initially talking about my mother and my T said that I held a lot of anger, that I should forgive her because, last week, I said her behavior and abandonment was because of her MI, etc. I got a bit angry because I hear that a lot; it is my feeling that I've already forgiven her and that I'm not angry with her any longer. I'm angry because of the mess she made, because now I'm stuck having to try to undo the years of trauma which ultimately ended in abandonment when I was 15.

That is where the breakdown occurred.

I am angry. I'm angry because people in my offline life assume that I'm so strong, that I don't need anything. They comment about how I've come so far, that they're so impressed with how I turned out, all things considered. They tell me how incredibly smart I am, how I could do anything I set my mind to. Yeah...I'm smart. Great. And I'm also lonely. I'm also missing the things in my life which actually matter to me: deep, close friendships. A loving relationship. Family. They don't know that I would trade all that "smart" they talk about for that. I would be the dumbest person in the world if it just meant I could just be happy and content.

I'm so tired of living with a huge hole in my life, these immense missing pieces, and I don't know how to remedy it. I have no idea how to fix it. After years and years of therapy, I don't know the first thing about how to make a successful relationship with anyone. I know it isn't my fault, I know I wasn't given the blueprint early on. But I don't know how to fix that, and I don't know if it will ever be fixed.

My T said that, yes, I will always have trouble with relationships. But that doesn't mean I can't have them, or have successful ones. But, as irrational as it is, all I heard was, "You will always have trouble with relationships."

I'm so tired of being the broken toy.

[Ruftin]

(((misskeena))) I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I'm missing the same pieces. It's amazing how important it is to have those childhood blueprints. I never had any. We can have relationships too, so I'm told. I'm still trying to figure that one out. Lets not give up on our dreams though. Things don't always come when and how we want them to, but we still have to hope it will happen.

[kaliope]

i have similar feelings of being broken forever. the thing is, i am so high functioning that nobody realizes how much i struggle or how difficult life is for me. it really bothers me because it makes me feel so alone and without support. i am without hope that things will get better despite t's reassurances that i am fixable.

Originally Posted by kaliope

i have similar feelings of being broken forever. the thing is, i am so high functioning that nobody realizes how much i struggle or how difficult life is for me. it really bothers me because it makes me feel so alone and without support. i am without hope that things will get better despite t's reassurances that i am fixable.

I am as well (high-functioning, I mean). I mean, apparently. Unless you actually dig a little. Or I admit, like I do here, that no, I'm not actually okay with being single. Or no, I don't actually always want to be alone on holidays. But even right after being d/c'd from the hospital two years ago, I went right back to working full-time and didn't miss a day. Well, except for physical illness. But I have to be; there is no cushion, and no one to fall back on. If I don't take care of myself, no one else will. So I have to be independent and self-reliant. The downside to it is that sometimes I really am not functioning so well, but I subvert it and plow on anyway (because I have to), but it always derails me somehow whether it be getting incredibly sick or just unbelievably run down and depressed.

[freespirit37]

The doctor who originally diagnosed me with BPD told me that I will always have interpersonal conflict because of my borderline traits, but through learning the skills, I can manage it.

Originally Posted by freespirit37

The doctor who originally diagnosed me with BPD told me that I will always have interpersonal conflict because of my borderline traits, but through learning the skills, I can manage it.

I'm trying to learn the skills. I don't actually do DBT, though I'm seeing a DBT therapist, and I bought the DBT book. I even have a DBT app on my phone. My previous insurance didn't cover enough sessions to get me through both the DBT group and the individual therapy required to actually do formal DBT therapy; it would have gotten me through three months, and they want a year. I would have had to pay out of pocket which was just not feasible. I am currently on insurance through my state (it's not technically Medicaid, but we can call it that) and they give me 20 sessions a year. So definitely not enough for formal DBT. And I make so little working part time while in school that out of pocket is impossible. Maybe someday. In the meantime, I will do what I can on my own.