[HD7970GHZ]

Hi gang,

Called the distress center and hung up - just don't got the energy to call for help anymore. Don't really care. I had family over for easter weekend and I didn't even say goodbye... They flew in from half way across the country... I couldn't even talk with them without having a panic attack or projecting issues onto them. I just don't like people anymore. They all have good news and success stories and I can't listen to any of it anymore. I can't fake smiles no more. I feel like a terrible person because I can't even be happy for my family! I ended up telling them my diagnosis and the next day I got strange looks. I'm assigned a new DBT therapist and I cannot work with her. I let go of a job to continue DBT and now I may not continue it... My family hates me but they just won't say it.

I really don't want to live anymore. At what point is it safe to say enough is enough? This is just excessively bad. I am hanging on to something and I don't even know what it is or why. I am scared people. Life doesn't seem real anymore. It just seems so pointless to me and I am beginning to see the merit in my passing away. This is getting worse.

Thanks,
HD

[BlueWhisky]

I feel just the same. Got a new job and quit it because cannot face people. They all seem so carefree and so dishonest and so much as if they're breezing through life. I can't shake the feeling that I never asked to be born and frankly wish I hadn't been.

[AzulOscuro]

HD you were very brave telling your family about your diagnosis. Family meetings are often a hard situation bc I guess you felt like a green alien among them, more over when you told them your diagnosis. Let them time to understand the situation. Perhaps, they are wondering themselves if they did something bad for you feeling bad.
Perhaps, the only thing you saw was faces of unknowledge.

Some people show themselves cold or seems fake but it's their way to deal with daily life. There are other people who are really worthy and understanding. Don't closed to life. There are many things to live. You will have good moments and people who care.

Here, other therapies have been named. If you think DBT isn't helpful for you, you could try scheme therapy or another.

I know you see things very black now. Are you taking some meds for mood swings?
Correct me if I'm wrong but if I remember well, you also were diagnosed with AvPD. It's much what you have to face to and it's normal you have these downs.
Call again to the centre and tell your therapist how you are feeling. They can advise you. Please, don't give up.
I'd like to tell you something for you feeling better but I know how is feeling bad. I know my words are sounding strange to you.

((((((HD)))))

[Tōmen]

I'm in similar state of being as u. Except I'm alone. I texted distress center Easter Sunday but I couldn't express myself.
For why to continue question I'm answering why not to try one more time. I don't know nothing I don't know how to live anymore.
such a state of despare state of desintegration can be positive though. I don't know.
Couple days ago, while sitting, studying myself, full of fear of future, hopeless, defeated I found : zen master Seung Sahn "I hope from moment to moment you only go straight, don't know, which is clear like space, try, try, try for ten thousand years, non-stop, get enlightenment, and save all beings from suffering." His motto just don't know go straight and don't know gave me a little hope maybe my negative state of being can with my work turn out into positive I don't knowness.
Compassion to u. Keep trying just keep trying.

[cluelessgal]

Hi HD,

I don't know phase of mood I am in, hope I don't sound arrogant/cocky or needy.

Sometimes it's the simplest action that makes a world of difference to someone's life. You are making a world of difference to someone by posting messages in Psychcentral.

I am so sorry for all the pain you are going thru. But be a little kind to yourself. If you don't like social situations, then for your sake, do you really have to meet people you are not happy to meet? Perhaps you can take a holiday to a place that makes you happy. It's selfish to trample on others for your happiness....but it's not selfishness to look after your interests.

If they love you, they would understand you. If they don't understand it, then why really should you care what they feel?

You are not a terrible person for not feeling happy for others. Frankly, it's hard to feel happy for people if they cannot understand or empathize with you when you are down.

I can understand why people don't empathize with people facing mental health issues - they either want to avoid their own pain, or they don't understand it, or they simply don't want to feel less happy by talking about negative things.

But having said that, it doesn't justify what they do. It doesn't take much to say "I'm here for you" or a hug that lasts 3 seconds.

You can give any name you want - BPD, bipolar, depression....but behind all that rage or tears or devaluation or just not caring, lies years of neglect or abuse or belittling.

I'm just throwing in some ideas....

1. Have you tried writing about your feelings or incidents that hurt you? Writing is very helpful.
2. Have you tried exercise/meditation
3. Try doing 1 good thing for yourself everyday....mebbe buy yourself a little gift, go to place you want to....
4. Have you thought about relocating to a different place....sometimes new places excites you and takes you away from a rut...
5. Mebbe volunteer for a cause....

Pls share more about what you feel, incidents that hurt you or people....

Hang in there HD, this depressive feeling is super-beatable.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( HD )))))))

[HD7970GHZ]

Just had a major fight with my mom again. She invalidated me and walked away... Got triggered and could not stop fighting. I screamed hysterically at one point.

[dancinglady]

Have u ever taken her to therapy with you. Maybe the T could explain her mistakes. Does she know what validation even mean??

[cluelessgal]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Just had a major fight with my mom again. She invalidated me and walked away... Got triggered and could not stop fighting. I screamed hysterically at one point.

Just a suggestion....but just try.

Why don't you write a letter to your mother about that incident, focusing on how you felt. In my experience, writing gives validation to your feelings and that somehow feels so important in controlling your moods.

It would be good if you can share that letter with your mother. The gift of gab can be a real curse for dysfunctional families. Somehow, even the tiniest thing can lead to arguments and then it just becomes more about who will win that fight and less about how we can resolve our issues . Also, you can convey all you want without issue getting diverted elsewhere. The person reading it will also introspect more, than escalating it into argument.

Again, you don't have to share that with your mom. You can share it with us and maybe we can give a better insight into the argument/issue. Sometimes when you are too close to the wall, you cannot see the big picture.

Again, you don't have to share it at all, just try writing a letter to your mom and keep it with you or write in a blog or notepad.

Cheers.

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Hi gang,

Called the distress center and hung up - just don't got the energy to call for help anymore. Don't really care. I had family over for easter weekend and I didn't even say goodbye... They flew in from half way across the country... I couldn't even talk with them without having a panic attack or projecting issues onto them. I just don't like people anymore. They all have good news and success stories and I can't listen to any of it anymore. I can't fake smiles no more. I feel like a terrible person because I can't even be happy for my family! I ended up telling them my diagnosis and the next day I got strange looks. I'm assigned a new DBT therapist and I cannot work with her. I let go of a job to continue DBT and now I may not continue it... My family hates me but they just won't say it.

I really don't want to live anymore. At what point is it safe to say enough is enough? This is just excessively bad. I am hanging on to something and I don't even know what it is or why. I am scared people. Life doesn't seem real anymore. It just seems so pointless to me and I am beginning to see the merit in my passing away. This is getting worse.

Thanks,
HD

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I would venture to say that your family doesn't hate you. I assume that they don't "get" what you are telling them, and the sad reality is that some people don't want to get it. And even when they do, even if they look BPD up, if they've not been through it before, the concepts are foreign to them. I come from a family where both my mother and uncle are bipolar. My mother has never sought treatment because she is too psychotic to recognize a problem, and my uncle hasn't really been the best picture of stability. So when I told my other closest relative, my aunt, their sister, that had BPD, I saw her basically switch off. She prides herself on being the one without a mental illness (but she has plenty of other dysfunctions, let me tell ya), and while she thinks she wants to care, she really has no interest in understanding us. It's not that she hates us or doesn't love us. I think that part of her that it would take for her to emotionally invest enough to understand my diagnosis, even to ask questions and seek clarification--is just closed off.

I don't know if that makes sense. It used to hurt me, but I came to the realization that she isn't doing it out of any malice; it's just where she's at. I know it's hard for us with the all-or-nothing thinking to separate that from "my loved one must not like me."

Originally Posted by Annaflower

((((((HD)))))

I like your statement, about not wanting anyone to FIX us just be there - stand beside us --- it seems especially relevant in a lot of instances but most notably in my predicament now wherein I have seen the people I spent many hours and years helping but now when I need help they all disappear, no standing beside me just yelling at me they don't like how I've been.

No help to see why or to see a way to change - just skip all that and move on to "you're not acceptable so don't expect any help from me".

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

I like your statement, about not wanting anyone to FIX us just be there - stand beside us --- it seems especially relevant in a lot of instances but most notably in my predicament now wherein I have seen the people I spent many hours and years helping but now when I need help they all disappear, no standing beside me just yelling at me they don't like how I've been.

No help to see why or to see a way to change - just skip all that and move on to "you're not acceptable so don't expect any help from me".

People! I have learnt that I can't put high expectations on people. They can see their reality and you only can see your reality and both realities may be so different. I'm not justifying people around you's behaviour. I only want you to understand that they don't need to be bad people but they act according to the picture they have in their minds.

In these occassions, my view is on one hand, you are the only one who can help you and on the other hand, dialogue. Always that dialogue can happen to close views, the better. In a sincere dialogue you can express what you expect from the person and you will be able to be open to his/her view.
Many people don't want to dialogue for many reasons. They already had a determination to go on with their lives. You can't do anything. But, you have you and have to fight for your goals.

Empty, Afraid, Hurt wondering how to keep living in a world that continues to reject me. Looking back, it was not so bad when it was the world at large rejecting me - but this latest thing, losing my son, knowing that in his eyes the best that he can hope for is that he never sees or hears from me again, that is the final pain and indignity.

Thinking that knowing that his birthday is tomorrow and that 47 years ago it was just him and me doing something neither of us knew anything about or how to do it. We did it with no one there to hold my hand, no one to comfort or empathize or encourage me. It was just him and me and we succeeded - he was born a beautiful healthy baby boy. That makes it all the more painful that now these years later we may as well be on different planets - we have no connection. I have not forgotten him I remember everything about him. And what I know is that I have committed the unpardonable SIN of having mental and emotional problems. That, in the end, is the defining moment in our former relationship. It's the DEAL BREAKER that severed our ties forever.

Maybe he does not remember the times he cried and I picked him up and held him close to my heart so that he would know he was loved. Or maybe those times just don't matter - if so I have failed.

The emotions you express I can definitely understand because I feel them too. I feel the pain of every moment that passes by knowing that in the most important thing I ever did and the person I loved most in the world I failed. And that is the sum total of me. All the minutes and hours leading up to this point count for nothing because I am nothing.

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

People! I have learnt that I can't put high expectations on people. They can see their reality and you only can see your reality and both realities may be so different. I'm not justifying people around you's behaviour. I only want you to understand that they don't need to be bad people but they act according to the picture they have in their minds.
.

this is dialectical thinking -

The term "dialectical" means a synthesis or integration of opposites.

This can be so difficult to do sometimes, but with practice it does get easier to accept to ideas/concepts/realities to exist at the same time - this helps a gray area to exist - less black and white thinking...thank you azul!

Originally Posted by MMBean

this is dialectical thinking -

The term "dialectical" means a synthesis or integration of opposites.

This can be so difficult to do sometimes, but with practice it does get easier to accept to ideas/concepts/realities to exist at the same time - this helps a gray area to exist - less black and white thinking...thank you azul!

What you just said are exactly the sort of words that would send my ADD-challenged mind into deep-space orbit.

No comprende !

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

What you just said are exactly the sort of words that would send my ADD-challenged mind into deep-space orbit.

No comprende !

Dialectical thinking; a basic tenet of DBT, or dialectical behavioral therapy, which is the type of therapy aimed at treating/managing borderline personality disorder. I encourage you to do a Google search of DBT if not familiar; there are quite a few resources which may be helpful to you.

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

People! I have learnt that I can't put high expectations on people. They can see their reality and you only can see your reality and both realities may be so different. I'm not justifying people around you's behaviour. I only want you to understand that they don't need to be bad people but they act according to the picture they have in their minds.

In these occassions, my view is on one hand, you are the only one who can help you and on the other hand, dialogue. Always that dialogue can happen to close views, the better. In a sincere dialogue you can express what you expect from the person and you will be able to be open to his/her view.
Many people don't want to dialogue for many reasons. They already had a determination to go on with their lives. You can't do anything. But, you have you and have to fight for your goals.

You cannot have dialogue unless it is agreeable to both. That lack of dialogue began with a few misunderstandings that would have been easier to correct, now so much has happened -- how can anyone, in the case of my son and myself, when so many things were said and done that caused deep wounds for both of us. The more time that passes the reasons behind the wounds may diminish but not the wounds themselves. There is no going back - mountains of misunderstandings buried one inside each other.

I agree communication is key which is one reason I was
so blown away with this because ALWAYS I felt my son and I were able to successfully communicate. I respect, if I do not understand his sudden change of heart. However the never-before events and actions which transpired are incomprehensible to me. As when I was growing up in my parent's home, good communication was non-existent. Communication was non-existent until you screwed up or they decided for themselves you had and then it was one-sided without a chance to defend. So I learned to interpret things left unspoken - which is what I do now - its the only choice.

[Ruminati]

Op, your signature is a bit faint but you've used a quote that describes life as a roller coaster. That's spot on. I hope you get gentle bumps for a while.

Re Wasps they only sting if they feel threatened. Shoo them away gently lol

Yellow Jackets hmmmm....Phwer something in your past.

I hope it doesn't sound proselytising to say 'bless you'. Hang on to hope when things are totally dark and you feel like topping yourself...many of us have been there and come out stronger actually.

Additionally, once you come through that dark tunnel you can empathise with others comfort as you've been comforted... That's the jewel you aquire from the journey.. Pain isn't meaningless. (IMO)

Keep talking. Love to you!

[technigal]

Hun, I wish I had the words to make you feel better. A year and a half ago I was where you are now. Life was no longer worth living. I had an attempt and was hospitalized. From there I got on a medicine schedule that works for me, I have a great pdoc and took the skills part of DBT (no individual counselling and at a faster pace). This has all changed me and as you know (not trying to rub it in but give you encouragement) I am doing very well. That doesn't mean I don't have bad days because I do. Take care of yourself and know that I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. Hugs my friend and know that you can contact me at any time.

[dancinglady]

I no longer believe I should continue living.

Originally Posted by dancinglady

I no longer believe I should continue living.

I feel the same way about my life. If I do reach heaven, maybe I can watch over the rest of you from up there.

[dancinglady]

I have been told that the mentally ill do not go to "h**l when they commit suicide because it is the illness that makes them do this. God does not punish people because they have an illness and they commit a sin.

My day has sucked so I have had to battle negative thinking and feeling all AM. It sucks to have to do "normal people" things when I am not on the same playing field and then get punished when I fall due to my illness. I have found no one has any compassion or sympathy for people with mental illness and that has not changed in 40 years. The stigma I witnessed as a mental health professional 40 years ago is alive and well today in 2015. Where are the people protecting us - laying down on the job mainly.

[cryingontheinside]

Hi.

It sounds like you are at rock bottom. If your family have any sense they will not be mad at you for being quiet or not saying bad.
I know its very hard speaking to help lines. Or eben knowing what to say or how yo say it. Samaritans have a number you can text noe instead of phoning which is a little less overwhelming . I don't find them that helpful to be honest myself.
I've been down and depressed for s long time too and don't like to be around people . you seem yo be in s darker place than me even but somewhere I have been before and I hated the world and everyone and I was angry that I had ever been bored. It seems like that feeling of despair will last for ever but actually it doesn't . its not suprising that anyone wishes they weren't alive when you're in such emotional turmoil.
The fact that you are here means at least s small part if you hopes things can improve and they will..
Do you take medication?
We are here for you and I am so sorry that you feel this Bad. Please keep talking to us and we will be here for you.

big hugs ,

( Sophie )

[cryingontheinside]

Sorry about my post full of spellings. I hope you can understand it