Just venting ....

I apologize if this post is not organized, is hard to read, or does not make any sense. I am just going to try to write everything out, however it comes out. I am not sure I’ve written like this before, but I’ve had several people tell me to try it. Please read carefully, since I’m not sure what to expect I don’t know if there will be triggers or not – I will do my best to hide the triggers if I notice them.

A little background info: I have been in therapy for a year, loved my old T to pieces and was torn apart when she told me that the best mental hospital in the state offered her a job and she would have to leave me. Some of you may remember that last August when I had posted it in another form. As if losing that T was not enough, my most trusted and best friend also left me. She had just fired her T out of anger a week prior to my T leaving, and when I freaked out about my T, my friend got upset with me and said some hurtful words then left and I haven’t heard from her since.

I started with my current T in September. I do not remember when but at one of my first sessions with my current T she mentioned BPD. She did not say I have it, nor did she say she was assessing me for it, she just mentioned it. I think she was trying to gage my reaction to it? At the following session I asked her why she mentioned BPD. She then told me that she was assessing me for it. She asked me what was going through my head and what it would mean if I had BPD. I could only tell her that at that moment, with the little bit that I knew about BPD, it meant a LOT of things made sense now. It was a huge weight being lifted off of me. I could now understand that I was not just overreacting to things, but that I was “sick” and the illness caused me to overreact. Well, a couple weeks later, I was overwhelmed with some feeling, I have no idea what…. But I was not happy that I was being assessed for BPD. I do not remember if I told anybody about this. I do not know when my T officially diagnosed me with BPD, but she did.

The last seven weeks have been extremely difficult for me. I am in school – both online and on campus classes – and my online professor has been harassing me, belittling me and making false accusations towards me. This caused my PTSD (from the abuse I’ve endured my whole life) to flare up. The BPD also flared up. I almost dropped completely out of school, but thankfully I have some friends, a sponsor, and a T who pushed me to not drop out and to keep putting my all into this class. It has been extremely difficult. I am now about to enter the final week of this class. I have to just make it another seven days.

I currently live alone, my roommate moved out September 2013. It was technically the best thing for me as she was very abusive toward me…. But I would have rather lived with the abuse than be alone. Everyone kept telling me that I would love being alone. Everyone still continues to believe that I should love living alone. I HATE it!! I have pets, and they are possibly the only reasons I have not gone completely insane. I can’t do this. I have not really been able to tell anybody how I truly feel right now because I know they all think I should just be happy and I’ll just be view as wanting attention or whatever. I don’t know why I don’t like being alone, but I don’t. And I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I could get another roommate but I don’t want to be hurt again…. I know I just said I’d rather live with the abuse than be alone, but I don’t want the abuse. It is extremely confusing.

I started a new group and because I work and go to school that meant I had to put my other group on the back burner. The group I put on the back burner is a 12 step program created for anybody with any “hurts, habits, and hang ups.” I have been attending it since September 2014, and have made many friends and got a sponsor (the group recommends sponsors no matter what your issue so that you have someone you can call up and talk to, someone who can guide you). My sponsor told me that because she sees me every week at group that she will just trust me to call her when I am struggling, and that we do not have to meet once a week like the sponsors and sponsees are supposed to do. I have a bunch of accountability partners as well from that group. They are also people I can call or text when I am struggling. I attached myself very quickly to some of these people. I have been on that roller coaster of hating and loving the ones I’ve attached myself to. I get very hurt and frustrated when I reach out to one or all of them and none of them get back to me until hours later or even a day or two later. My abandonment issues flare up when this happens too. T told me that I need to practice not making bridges – meaning that I need to practice reminding myself that they may just be busy and that just because they are not responding to me does not mean that they are upset with me or that they are leaving me. Sounds so easy, but it’s not.

Since I started my new group two weeks ago, none of my accountability partners have reached out to me. Nobody has texted or called to see how I am doing. And no, I haven’t reached out to them either, but why can’t they just text or call without me first reaching out to them. Why do I have to always be the one to initiate a conversation? Probably because they truly don’t want to be my friend and they only answer me to get me to leave them alone. I don’t know. That’s just how I feel right now I guess. I even tested my sponsor. I did not text or call her for a week. She had told me that if she did not hear from me in the week that she would be calling me (because now we are not seeing each other at all since I’m not currently going to that group). She NEVER called or texted me. When I did finally reach out to her it took her a long time before she finally text me and told me to call her.

So why haven’t I done it? I don’t want to disappoint everyone. Why should I care about disappointing anyone? Nobody cares if they disappoint me. A friend of mine who is a retired T would tell me that means I really don’t want to do it because “if what you say and what you do don’t match it’s what you do that’s the truth” is what he would say.

This is getting to be a very long post and I’m not getting anything out. I just want to feel something, and not nothing. My mom and sister keep telling me how lucky I am that I don’t feel anything most of the time, and that I can’t cry…. I HATE when they say that. I am not lucky. If they had this emotional storm inside of them and couldn’t let it out they would see I’m not lucky. And I drive T crazy (no she has never said that to me, I just think I do) because I tell her I feel nothing and she tells me that I have to feel something.

There’s so much more, but this post is probably boring everyone by now so I’m just going to end it here.

Hi Celtic, you're absolutely not boring and thank you for sharing
Living on your own sounds like it's making you feel kind of vulnerable?? And it is a big change, moving from living with someone to nobody/"nothing", it can sometimes take a long while to adapt
Maybe you could put out the word that you MAY be looking for a roommate, take plenty of time to thoroughly vet anyone coming forward and in that time write down and REALLY focus on the pro's of living alone, there may be more than you're thinking/seeing.
And for now.........any chance you could be inviting more people around or even spending more time with people???
And we've talked about your professor...........
The group/people not getting back to you........you know that really doesn't need to mean that they don't care, perhaps for some they may not realise the importance for you that they do check in on you........maybe some of them aren't "in the place" you're in, but you can help them understand and with that they can be there for you..........maybe some of them are "in the place" you're in and are waiting for someone to check in on them, feeling just as "dismissed" as you are, but if you were to "just say something" perhaps that could in time make a huge difference to both of you............
And..........real kudos to you on not..........since December!!!
Keep trying to do it for you though??!! Because you deserve so much more than to feel that way!!!
And the feelings bit.........sounds like your mom and sister don't really understand, because like you and your T said you are feeling something and that something is nothing........so to feel lucky about that..........????
Of course if your T wants "words".........I don't know if it's the kind of nothingness that might equal something like "emptiness", "apathy", "disinterest", "emotional numbness".........maybe some of those may fit????
But other "not so good" feelings in there as well at times though, hey?? And it's good that you're wanting to/trying to get/let them out/express them
That can help with the nothingness.
And more of the other feelings apart from those...........you know I'm seeing/saying (from what you've posted) you've still got a lot of strength going on, you've still got real determination going on, you've still got a lot of determination going on.......I know you probably can't feel these/see them in yourself as much of the time.......but perhaps try to allow yourself to focus on those feelings as well/more if/when you can. I do know it's certainly not easy but..........

Alison