[Jrthomas575]

Long post~

I have been struggling for some time and I never really knew much about BPD until fairly recently. Things have been increasingly more difficult since last summer, while at a family gathering I realized I can't be around certain people without losing my ****. Things have basically gone down hill from there. I must have been blocking this stuff out for a long time because it all hit me very hard. I had no idea what was wrong with me, I am the only one in my family who seems to have been affected but I know I'm not the only one who went through it. My family doesn't understand, my girl left me - I push everyone away. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

About two months ago I was having a hard time with some things so I reached out for help. Help was refused and I took it very personally, so I decided to help myself. "F- everyone!" Right? It came to me that I will never be able to depend on anyone, ever. So I decided I want to do what I want to do and I don't care what anyone else thinks.

I put in notice at work, I am in the process of selling and/or giving away most of my earthly belongings, and I bought a plane ticket. I live in upstate NY. in less than three weeks I will be on a plane to Portland, OR. and I am starting to freak out a little bit.

It was more than an impulse decision. This is something I've been wanting to do for a while, and I put a lot of thought into it. I did a lot of research and decided that's where I wanted to be. I have looked into jobs and housing and things are actually working out pretty well. But a lot of it was fueled by anger and the want to get away from the people who "hurt" me.

I have always been the black sheep. I have traveled and lived across the country and gone months, maybe years without contact with my family in the past. The main problem I am having now is the fact that I have a six year old son. He is the only reason I stayed here as long as I did, and I have been waiting for him to be old enough to fly. His mother and I have a rocky relationship, she is part of the reason I don't trust people (she is engaged to and living with my oldest friend). I love my boy, though. And he loves me. I hate leaving him, but I feel so stuck and miserable here. I don't like the town I live in, I'm "stuck" at a dead-end job - I feel like I can do much better for me, and for my son. But I don't feel like I can do that around here.

I just hope I am making the right decision for the right reasons.

Originally Posted by Jrthomas575

Long post~

I just hope I am making the right decision for the right reasons.

wow - your story blew me away. Just when you think that your own life is the center of the universe and all chaos happens there only.....a story like yours comes along and shakes you up.
First, I'm glad you're here to talk about what you feel -
Second, your feelings of doubt about your decisions; it's like buyer's remorse" - it's normal to feel that because these are big life changes.
Third: I think it's okay for you to do something for yourself/take care of yourself because when you do, you'll also be working at being a better father. You really are - BPD can break the most valuable relationships in your life - and from your post, you want to start feeling better, being happy - doing something about BPD can keep it from tearing up that relationship with your son. You're doing the right thing -- you're certainly not abandoning him.
I wish you all the best!

[AzulOscuro]

Good luck in your new life. Perhaps, you can work in the Borderline issues in the new place you are gonna live in.

What MMBean says is also my opinion. You are not abandom your child, you are building a better life for you and for him.