[noconnextion]

I have been diagnosed with treatment resistant major depressive disorder since the age of 18, along with an eating disorder (it has morphed many times and is now referred to as eating disorder NOS).

From age 18 on, I have experienced many symptoms. I have had major depressive episodes, commonly associated with life events; these life events generally stem from interpersonal relationships, and associated conflicts. I am plagued with constant feelings of emptiness and loneliness, even when there are people in my life that I consider to be friends. I always feel like my friendships are only "on the surface". I have identified a behavioral pattern where I enter a relationship, have a period of deep affection, and subsequently dismiss this relationship, feel empty, and break it off. I also fall in love with the idea of a person that I know that I will never be with, and torture myself with possibilities, often after just meeting said person or barely knowing them. I have a tendency to be irresponsible about my relations with partners, and have engaged in sexual behaviors in order to make them happy. I was sexually assaulted at 19, and again at 20; both were under very different circumstances, but they happened.

There have been may times in my life that I have felt abandoned, the first being when I was 9, and all of the girls in school decided to alienate me because I was different. This same pattern of abandonment has occurred many times, and throughout my life, I have found it very difficult to connect with people and make friends; I have self diagnosed myself with social anxiety, which may not be clinical, but it is definitely on the spectrum. Currently, I am dealing with chronic feelings of loneliness and betrayal, associated with friendships. I am having a difficult time recognizing if this is truly abandonment, or if it is all in my head. I find that my mind never stops. I am always thinking.

My eating disorder has ranged from restrictive behavior, binge eating behavior, as well as purging behavior. Over the past 4 years, it has most commonly been binge eating, followed by a period of mild restricting, which has allowed my weight to remain an a normal range. Periods of binging have generally been associated with depressive episodes.

During depressive episodes, I have engaged in self harm. I have been suicidal in the past, but not recently, though I have struggled with self harm, being that I am in a depressive episode currently. This behavior is also associated with binge drinking, which I have struggled to control. I have a history of abusing alcohol, as well as a family history of this problem.

I often find that I feel separate, when in social situations. I find myself watching, almost feeling like I'm outside of my body, and like I'm not a part of it at all; I'm just there, existing, and I get no feeling of purpose or pleasure from it. It's almost a vibrating feeling. I have trouble describing it, but it's hazy, and especially when it occurs during one of my college classes, I have a lot of difficulty concentrating. Sometimes I feel so hyper-aware of my existence that it is uncomfortable, and my thoughts race in this web of ideas that cycles around and around, and I find no meaning in the task at hand. I used to be a good student. I was always very bright. I'm not sure if that truly describes me anymore.

I don't know if I am over analyzing my life and symptoms, like I do with almost everything else, but my therapist suggested that my depression might be situational the other day, and for some reason, it all just sort of clicked. I have no confirmed hypomanic episodes, so I was never confirmed to be Bipolar II, but the fact that the medications that I currently take have never quite brought me to full remission has always made me question what was really going on.

If anyone has had the patience to read my mess of rambles, do you think that a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder would make sense for someone with my history? This is a very brief summary, but I am curious, and would be appreciative of any sort of response.

[sideblinded]

noconnextion, Hello and welcome to PC.

You certainly have a lot of things going on now and have had a lot of difficult things happen to you that are not easy to just get over. Depression is a beast and when it rears it's ugly head it steals our enjoyment in life. It brings on negative thoughts and puts us at risk for harm. Your history is a troubling one and I would seek both your doctor's help for your depression in another form when other ways have not helped (don't give up) and a therapist for your

Possible trigger:

self harm, suicidal thinking, history of sexual assaults, binge eating and purging

to include the binge drinking. Being in touch with someone you can talk to about these issues is very important. Please talk with someone whom you trust when you feel like this. Please don't isolate and please keep a running dialogue with someone about the way you feel. I am so sorry that your social life seems to be unraveling but when you are feeling better you will have more positive energy to interact with others. Your moods seem to be fluctuating and that may mean that you have a different kind of mood disorder. It is not uncommon for those of us who have been abused to experience disassociation. I don't know if you have this as I am not a mental health professional but your feelings of being outside of your body are suggestive and worth being more closely evaluated by a professional. I hope that you can find some answers at home and here on PC. Many here will want to listen and offer feedback and support.

If there is anything that we can do to help you get around this site please let me or another community liaison know. I wish you only the best.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central noconnextion!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

Sorry for your struggles. You will meet many here who will be able to relate to what you're going through and give you feedback.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[allme]

Hi

I can relate to an awful lot of what you said but it is also a bit more complex...the only person that can diagnose you is your doctor. Maybe print out what you have written and show it to him/her?

Personally, I think a correct dx is so very important to give you an idea of what it is going on and then you can look into ways to help.

Good luck

[kaliope]

hi noconnextion
the best way to get/rule out a diagnosis is to see a professional that specializes in that disorder. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[bpdtransformation]

The disturbing thing is that even "professionals" do not agree on whether the same person has the same diagnosis a large proportion of the time. So a "misdiagnosis" may happen, but the situation may be more complex than it appears, because many of our psychiatric diagnoses are fundamentally lacking in validity.

One person who gives a good explanation of this is is the British psychiatrist Sami Timimi, here:

And also here in a text article:

http://www.criticalpsychiatry.net/wp...5/CAPSID12.pdf

Be warned that these articles may be disturbing if you are invested in a certain diagnosis... they send the messages that the current psychiatric diagnostic system is broken and damaging, that use of psychiatric diagnosis has not improved treatment outcomes over a period of decades, and that the more that people believe they "have a mental illness", the less well they are likely to do over time.

On the other hand, this type of thinking is also positive - it suggests that the paradigm and approach of psychiatric diagnosis is completely wrong and needs to be reexamined and fundamentally reimagined, since it is producing hardly anything valuable in terms of scientific knowledge or better treatment. If we can do that in the ways that Timimi suggested, perhaps average outcomes can improve.

[Fuzzybear]