[dxj5069]

Hi everyone, I've been lurking the Bipolar forums for quite some time after I had a really bad panic attack at the beginning of March, which totally debilitated me. Post anxiety attack, I experienced intense depression (intense irritability and suicidal ideations). What caused the panic attack was that I was experiencing my hypomanic episode...low sleep for the whole week, getting all my homework done, balancing three part-time jobs. I was on a roll. I have intense anxiety in social situations because I fear how people perceive me. I'm always worried about what people think of me and how I should be to others. On the night of my birthday, my friends invited over 30 people to my dinner, and I basically just lost it.

I've been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist on/off for the past two years, and it's so exhausting. I came in for depression initially, but then it went away. Prozac made everything worse. I became really irritable and I would rage at my family members. I stopped taking it, and eventually the depression uplifted. I have intense moments of dissociation. I space or "zone out" a lot during classes, even when I'm walking to my car, or even simply waiting for my therapist. My mood fluctuates drastically in a day. I can be really happy, and then if my sister says something that I perceive as a threat, I begin to grab my bags, threaten to leave forever because I perceive that no one ever cares about me, etc. In other words, I have these raging bursts of inappropriate anger, and I am often manipulative without realizing it (e.g., like threatening I'll commit suicide over the phone to my parents if I feel misunderstood). It's like this constant feeling of emptiness and being severely misunderstood.

Growing up was a disaster for me. My dad was a raging alcoholic and he sexually abused me, my mom wasn't always there for me, and money problems due to three failed businesses led to our family separation and bankruptcy. I was bullied severely growing up and no one really cared to do anything about, even teachers and my neighbors bullied me. I'm Asian and I grew up in a white and Latino dominated area, and I was the target of everyone's rage. I don't live with my family anymore, and going to college really helped me from hitting my rock bottom. I get a ton of financial aid, so I'm so thankful. But I always felt misunderstood even as a child. I get bad anxiety at the thought of people not sticking around, whether it is friends, family members, or even just acquaintances. I get pissed really easily, but I hide it so well out of fear that I will push EVERYONE away. I feel that people don't see this raging side of me, so they continue to do things that I perceive as a threat to my self-esteem or just a cross of respect until I'm like, "***** YOU." And it comes out of nowhere to. I can really love someone, and just f-ing hate their guts...and I feel guilty for being so intense like this!!!

I'm always on the fence with my self-esteem and my body image. As a guy, people are always shocked to hear this, but I was bullied for being overweight and it ruined my childhood. I would cry at home (when i had one) and no one would know. I would constantly check the mirror and look at my ugly self, but then the next day I'd feel so good about myself and experience an intense confidence swing. I even developed a horrible habit of binge eating and the running excessively for 90min to 2 hours non-stop. I even joined my school's cross country team to curb this elevation in energy, and i ultimately lost almost 80 lbs. to my current weight of 150. Even though this possible eating disorder was most certainly present at that time, I felt that this has waned a lot over the past four years. I'm always telling myself that I should love who I am. I remind myself that I am a human, I cannot be perfect, and I have to change myself for the better in order to enjoy my life.

I've been seeing a new therapist, and he's been helping me realize that the most seemingly "normal" behaviors are the root of my issue. My diagnosis was changed from Bipolar I to Bipolar II, BPD, and Panic Disorder. I feel so relived but at the same time so devastated that I'm going to have to deal with something that is so stigmatizing. I feel angry at the thought that people will misunderstand me and I begin to just zone out and get really withdrawn from everyone. I feel like everyone is getting tired me talking my mental health, but they don't understand that I'm not healthy...because I'm so damn good at being normal in front of people. I'm so frustrated. I just want to scream, cry, and then laugh my butt off at how ridiculous my life has become. It feels like I'm going through a downward spiral, and then the next day, I feel like i got in under control. I don't know who I am, but I'm trying to hard to find it so I can break this cycle that my parents passed onto my sister and I. I WANT TO GET BETTER. But at the same time, I'm so scared. Please, tell me I'm not alone on this. I want to know if there is anyone else out there who is going through something similar. I feel like no one believes me because I seem so happy and on top of my game, but I'm suffering so much inside at the fear that no one believes. Just thinking about gives me anxiety and makes me either angry or sad for a few hours.

[Living Dead Guy]

Thank you for sharing. It must have taken a great deal of bravery in admitting all of your past traumas.

Many of us who have been diagnosed with BPD have felt relief for finally having a definitive label to our behaviors and desires, followed by a hopelessness that there is no cure. I was left depressed for a long time "knowing" that I will be this way forever. Fourtunitly there is medication that can help to stabilize the moods somewhat and help our emotions return to their base line faster and there is DBT wich can condition our thinking so we no longer see everything in black and white. What I'm trying to say is that there is hope.

It is an unfortunate that because our mental and emotional wounds are not visible they become marginalized or ignored by those unaffiliated by similar wounds. My advise is to find a support system whether online or in real life that you feel comfortable talking to, and don't discuss it outside of that support group unless asked.

There is an abuse sub forum here. Sharing or even reading what others have gone through can help tremendously. Depending on were you live there may also be Al-Anon groups. This is their site: Al-Anon. It may also help if your therapist can get you into a group dielectric therapy setting.

I won't lie, for most of us BPD has been and will be a life long struggle but I've seen many here who have minimized the symptoms and go on to lead a relatively happy life.

I wish you luck and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.