internal conversations

Interesting thing occurred to me today. As I was idly in the bathroom washing my hands, being tired from the day a voice came up in my mind and said "my life sucks, I hate it"

The funny thing about this is, I do not actively think this nor do I feel that at all. I am doing quite well, many things are going pretty good and I'm pretty successful in a lot of my endeavors in life. My BPD traits crop up but not as violently or as often as in the past and I manage it alright. but all in all my life is one to be content and relatively happy about.

That's when it occurred to me, the self talk repeatedly that we do with ourselves is much stronger than we might think. How many times during the rough parts of my life did I tell myself that my life sucked and I hated it? Apparently it had become an automatic recording that repeated itself without my cuing it up at all and became so ingrained that even in good times, like now, it comes up out of the blue without any real significance attached to it. It is strange.

I guess in summary my point is, be careful what you tell yourself repeatedly. Even after for the most part you may have offset your inner mind and unconscious comments to yourself the strongest ones will still remain and affect us some.

/end ramble

And be careful what you believe. There are mindless ideas floating around that may blow in the window so to speak. I am seeking a stronger sense of who I really am so every voice I here does not set me back.

It is not the voices that have power, it is our believing they are us or have power over us that gives them the appearance of power. Tell them to leave or ignore them.

My fav app is
Internally count the inhale 1
Internally count the exhale 2
Continue up to 10
begin again at 1

Thoughts cannot survive being ignored.

I do that as well. I feel especially nervous and unsure of myself in social situations, especially with coworkers or people from school (i.e. when, at any given time, I'm in a group of people with whom I'm at various stages of acquaintance). I could be laughing and having a good time, telling a story, and have the thought, "You're so ******* stupid!" pop into my head. Or something to that effect. I've engaged in such negative self-talk during certain situations that it's become almost automatic.

i had a doctor write on one of my papers that i have an internal conversation. what does this imply to him and to me? should i be concerned, it is not always a bad internal conversation too.

Idk that you should be concerned, it seems to me like an incomplete thought. everyone does have an internal conversation even healthy people. Weird statement without elaborating on it with negative or positive.. >.>

I also do that. The automatic thought with me is "I want to kill myself." Even when I'm having a good day, if something happens or some memory pops into my head, I'll automatically have that thought run through my mind. Today though, I was trying to resist it and it ended up being something like "I want STOP IT!"

Wow, I thought I was the only one...

Yeah so so true sand - thanks heaps for the reminder.

We share pretty much the same sentiments - I say - Be careful of your words, for these become your throughts, be careful of your thoughts, because these become your actions, be careful of your actions, for these become your character .....

(well known saying I quoted above there but yes - it starts with words and thoughts - agreed - and if we want to make positive changes - it's one of the things that we can start with)

I call these intrusive suicidal ideation.... And yes they suck. I believe they are a kind of OCD thought and mine are far more controlled when on the right med. I remember the time they started... I can tell when I am doing really bad because they are frequent.

On cymbalta, I have these far far less. Mine specifically tell me to end it in a way I never would consider! And all are almost always in response to a nrgative thought about myself. Like when I think how I need to clean but I havent. So interesting to hear others' internal voices.

This is perceptive of you.

even before the come to the point of any suicidal ideation nipping the negative thinking in the bud before it gets there is very important. Suicidal Ideation is really a culmination of what I am talking about piling up.

It's an OCD thing? But I don't have OCD. Or maybe I do. Heh, it's entirely possible. I feel like I have AvPD (I currently have more dx criteria for that than I do BPD ). My brain is just too curious and complex to really nail down with a few diagnoses.

I was dx very late with OCD.

And it can represent itself in some very strange ways, for me, personally.

My symptoms / things I do repetatively just aren't really the same as others.

If this makes sense.

I'm about 99% sure I don't have OCD, I was kind of being facetious. Not that it would really matter if I did...but I'm pretty certain I don't. I'm also 37, and I feel like in my 23 years of therapy and inpatient stays someone would have at least mentioned it

I would say all BPD have impulsive behaviors, which are classified as OCD when not comorbid. Lemme find the info.

Yeah, sometimes I think I don't have OCD either

Sometimes I think I do

Either way, my pdoc believes I do and manages my treatment accordingly if ever they were troublesome

Cool.

I am very familiar with the dx criteria. Also, as I said, I don't have OCD. In the words of Sheldon Cooper, "I've been tested," and I'm aware of what I do and do not have. I question AvPD because my PD was NOS. (OCD is not a personality disorder, incidentally.)

But if you're interested in posting for others who may wonder, feel free. It is interesting how impulsive behavior overlaps in mental illness.

Just one of many sources.

http://www.ocduk.org/types-ocdv

It would be more accurate to say I think all BPD have compulsive behaviors as a learned coping method... Most comorbids are a byproduct of the main issue.

I don't have OCD either but I do have compulsive behaviors and obsessive thinking that causes some dysfunction.

My mom on the other hand is the more classis type... She cannot have her clothes unbalanced in her wardrobe. She will throw out any item that doesn't belong so she can get relief from the repeated thinking. Like a short sleeve black shirt by Liz Claiborne cannot be in her closet unless the rest of her shirts are by Liz Claiborne and all short sleeve, no patterns, and she has exactly one pair of matching pants for each of the shirts, which again must also be Liz Claiborne and maybe even from the same collection. Just for starters.

Thanks for the read Kimaya. Interesting