urges

Ok firstly I am very sensitive to everything touch, sounds, lights, emotions and so every little thing affects me greatly and when I get into a fight with my parents I literally can't speak to them for weeks and I haven't been able to look at them for years. Also the hospital makes me VERY anxious mostly because every time I have been there it has been very traumatic and even driving past the place makes me sick to my stomach and it doesn't get easier with time I start having a panic attack the second I walk in there which isn't helped by the fact that people then start touching you or that there are other people there looking at you or that there are doctors there glaring at you and ugh the place is horrible and I even get nightmares about it and flashbacks and ugh it makes me feel disgusting.

You need to take meds. Nothing is going to change or get better until you do. So you'll either have to find a way to take them, or go to the hospital and get them to make you take them. I don't know what other kind of help there is for you, eden. Do you eat?

I only eat at a certain time of day and certain foods I will normally go like 19-20 hours between meals. Also I can't take medications because they will hurt me. I am also scared that the people at the hospital want to hurt me I don't trust them either and I feel like if I go there they will hurt me cause they are evil.

One last time. The medicines will not hurt you and the fact that you feel that way supports the fact that you need them.

Good luck.

but i really feel like they will hurt me and i dont feel like i can trust the doctors because they always lie to me and ugh i dont feel good.

Eden - what do you think you should do?

Give up. I should just quit while i am ahead.

Eden, I'm afraid you are seriously paranoid, and this has nothing to do with your OCD. That's reason enough to take meds and/or go to the hospital, as everybody here keeps telling you. I believe you when you say you have tried, but you have to keep trying. You do not want to give up, otherwise you wouldn't be writing here.

I don't know what i want that is half the problem i just feel bad and i dont think i am that paranoid maybe a little but i think even if i am i have reason to be. Ugh i cant sit still and my head wont stop.

How long have you been off your meds?

You are probably in a lot of pain right now because you are in fight or flight constantly and you have two conflicting core beliefs going on here. As a guess:

- I can't stand it if I disappoint my parents with my illness
- I can't stand feeling this way and I need someone to take care of me

This is hard but you can find balance between the two. What would your parents say if you said you are thinking of quitting and want to know what they think you should do?
I wouldn't want to go to the hospital either but I have rules I follow so that I don't let my being border defeat me. Its like a contract to myself.

Going on and off meds can make you feel really ******.

Edit - I definitely do not think you are being stubborn. I know what you are going through is painful and exhausting. This is our toughest battle... Conflicting needs when it comes to taking care of ourselves.

I haven't been on meds for a long time since i was little. I am just so tired and i really finding it hard to make decisions parlty because i dont kniw what i want but also it is just stressful that and the ocd plays a part. If my parents knew they would be mad and tell me how ungreatful i am and what a horrible person i am.

Do you actually know your parents will say that to you or are you just making assumptions?

Look at it this way...even if you parents did get mad at you I'm sure in the long run they would rather you admit you need more help and to try and get that help than for you to do something to hurt yourself...

Well they have said it before so why wouldn't they say it again.

Why do you need to trust doctors with meds? Trust yourself. Get on something for OCD.

Because I can't trust them it is complicated but basically I think they want to hurt me.

Hi there, I haven't been on psych central for a long time, but I logged on and I saw your post and I figured that I should say something:

You seem awfully distressed. And I don't have any answer on how to solve this. Obviously the meds could help, but I see that you are having some kind of difficulty with this due to your OCD (it's okay, I do crazy stuff with my OCD too).
Anyway, just know that I don't know you, I'm normally a pretty apathetic person (bordering on sociopath at times), and for some reason I felt the need to comment on your post and to tell you that I hope things get better.
Life is difficult right now. You feel that no one is there for you. But there is a lot of beauty in life, and there is beauty in you, and I hope that things get better.
I'm a bit of a romantic today
Anyway,
Different things work for different people but here's what I do when I want to hurt myself:
I rip pages out of books and run around to push all of the destructive energy out of my body (good exercise too); and then I go see a movie by myself, and just sit in the darkness and let all the voices and music and fancy images wash over me.
I know this might not work for you (and I don't know if you can get to a movie theater or not), but I just thought I'd put it out there for anyone who was looking for a coping mechanism. Anyway, I hope that life looks up for you. And know that not everyone wants to hurt you.

thank you for replying. i really do feel like people want to hurt me though i am not sure why i just do and i keep feeling like i am not in my own body and ugh i dont feel good i just i cant sit still and i keep getting urges to hurt people and i dont know nothing feels real anymore like i feel like i am in a dream only it hasnt stopped i keep looking at people and i feel like i cant see because i dont recognise them like i usually do and i cant remember anything everything is blank and ugh my head wont stop and i dont know everything hurts and i dont know what to do.

No one has to reply I am just venting and everyone is probably sick of me anyway. I feel bad and I feel like crying and I have a tone of homework to do but I am finding it hard to focus on reading so sorry if this doesn't make sense either. I really don't think I can do it I don't have the energy and I have been feeling like this for over a month now and it won't go away and am scared all the time and people are scaring me cause I keep thinking someone is following me and I am starting to get scared of my psychologist again which hasn't happened for a while but now I am scared he is evil and wants to hurt me and I really don't feel real I can't even tell if I am dreaming or not nothing feels real ugh I don't understand why everything hurts so much. I don't know what to do.

I know that you feel that your psychiatrist is evil, but please know that there are genuinely good people in the world who want to help you. I don't know if your psychiatrist is one of them or not, but most likely these paranoid thoughts are a result of your mental struggles, and other stresses in your life. Anyway, just shooting this message out so you know that there really are people who wish to help you in the world, and I hope that you feel better. Venting is probably good.

Thank you i just keep getting so scared i dont even kniw how to explain it.

I want to scream and i feel like crying i really dont know what to do anymore i am so exhausted and i am trying my best to sleep but i cant and i just feel horrible and i feel almost like numb on the outside but inside everything is so intense like i am shutting down on the outside. Ugh i feel bad.

You need treatment and will not feel better until you get treatment.

Really, you have to get treatment, this will not just go away. It's so unfortunate that you won't see that.

By "treatment" you must mean meds. I am seeing a psychologist and i know this wont just go away but i CANT take medications i CANT even if i explained why as best as i could i dont think anyone would understand (not saying you arent capable i just mean i suck at explaining things). I just dont understand why everyone is always getting mad at me not matter how much i am there for them they never are for me and also i just i am so scared right now and i really dont know what to do my head wont stop. I ugh i am tired and ugh i am sorry.

You have to get treatment eden.

Just because it helps to know, did you hurt yourself or anyone else in the past week?

Edit: Nevermind, it probably isn't my business. This thread is too provocative for me and I wish I could block it.