[NotRobinWilliams]

I can't take this anymore. I am 22 years old and I only realized I have BPD when I found the love of my life and lost him because of it. I was put on anti-depressants all throughout high school and it ****ing ruined my chances of getting help because they stopped me from feeling my deep-down emptiness because they just made me manic. I didn't realize until last year that I have hardly ever, ever, ever had anything that felt like ME. I have never really had hobbies that I did on my own. I always waited for the other kids to be done so they could play with me and kill the emptiness. or I would watch TV all day. I know I have so much potential inside of me and it kills me that I have caught so many glimpses of it but it always gets ripped away. the love of my life brought out so much good in me. he awakened my mind and my humor and my drive to live and it is better than anything I have ever experienced. it actually felt like living. now I am tossed back into this and I just don't know if I can do it. it's like the light is gone from my life. I have no desire to seek out an education or a career for myself. I don't want to do anything. I just want to die. I am in therapy but it takes too long and I wish I had realized all this stuff before I became a 22 year old with no accomplishments besides sporadic college enrollment. I want to end it all because I have no hope! I am so pissed and feel so alone because everything online makes BPD out to be a life sentence! where is the hope! I am sick of hearing about how to control my outbursts. I know how to do that. I want to know what to do about the EMPTINESS.

[Nicky123]

Hi NotRobin, I hear you frustration and pain and I'm sorry that this is where you are. Your boyfriend brought out the best side of you and I suppose in a way you felt alive for the first time ever. Now that he is gone you have plummeted back to the emptiness that was there before. I think part of being BPD causes us to be dependent on others (in particular boyfriends/girlfriends) because we suddenly feel 'alive'. We feel we could take on the world(well I did anyway!!). For me, when a relationship ended I was back to the emptiness again. Like you I never felt 'ME'. I just did not know who the hell I was and most of the time I felt invisible. Like you, I had no life plans but fell into this and that and never really stuck with anything. Looking back now(because I am a 'lot' older) I realize that I never really matured in the sense that I never saw that maybe I should have plans etc but I felt that I would be looked after in some way. Many, many times I wanted it all to end because I was so lost and no one understood where I was at. I only recently found out that I had BPD and when I looked into it I found a lot of myself in the symptoms. You are 22years old,,,you are so young. While it is not at all easy I would beg you to find ways to deal with your disorder because you do not want to be in exactly the same place when you are 40. I know we find it extremely difficult to do things to improve ourselves because, firstly, we find it hard to motivate ourselves to do it and secondly, we don't 'know' how to do it. Dealing with the emptiness is most difficult but there has to be a way for you to distract yourself in some way, whether that be spending time with other people or doing something you think will distract you. You have got glimpses of your potential and you 'know' the kind of person you are and can be. Maybe try to focus on that because it is positive and it is part of who you are. BPD does not have to be a life sentence,,,,,we know what we have and must try and do all we can to deal with the symptoms I suppose. I am new to this myself but have had a lifetime of misery and I wish that I had know what the problem way earlier in life. Is there anything that you like to do that gives you any joy? I was never able to think of anything!!!! It's up to ourselves really to try and make a life for ourselves that will bring out the best in us and allow us to be productive human beings. It's not easy but I believe it can be done. Good luck to you.

[MichikoUsagi]

I hear that. I'm 24, spent a class or two in an online community college and that's it. I have zero desire to actually do something with my life. I knew something was wrong years ago but thought it would go away, I'd grow out of it or something. I've suspected BPD for a while now and recently received the diagnosis.

I can't say whether or not it's a life sentence, because I'm in the same boat as you, in my twenties, confused and scared. And I know that when you're feeling empty.. there is just nothing there, it feels like that anyways. When I feel like that I stop and focus on the floor and breath in for a few counts, hold it and breath out. I do that for a few times and then think about the rain, the way it looks against a window with pretty drapes surrounding it, the grey sky reaching and I start to feel a little better most of the time.

Getting help is slow. I can only see my counselor not even once a month. I'm trying to get into some other help but my insurance is proving to be a problem. I can't call any places because it's the weekend. And I know that when I call on Monday it's not going to automatically put me in the help I need but I breath and think about the rain and wait for Monday because then I take a small baby step toward where I'm going.

We're strong. We deal with BPD, and often silently while others don't notice. We're strong so we can do this.

[danielsaun]

I hope this message finds you well..........I was diagnosed with BPD last year............if you can go through the painful process of therapy.........I have been doing CBT because I can't afford DBT right now.........and it's getting better. The trouble was once I saw the truth having to fight through the fear of going alone almost. That's what has me torn up.......cutting off my codependent relationships with my horribly toxic Mom and wife.

But today I feel better and I am gaining my confidence back because my life crisis has taught me that I am a lot smarter and a better person than I have been giving myself credit. I have been horrible to myself the worst critic.............now I meditate on good things I do and the ugly messages in my head are slowing down..........I actually hear a couple of good ones and those are the difference these weeks between SI and thinking about ending it.

What good things have you done for yourself or you fellow human beings that you could meditate on? Would you consider putting those positive thoughts on a mirror and starting the day.......just consider it.

Sending some good karma your way

If you have the 12 step groups CoDependents Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics in your area please take a look please.............I go to CODA and get so much just listening to people share.