Abandonment

Hi, I have been reading as much as I can about BPD and everything I've read talks about one of the traits is fear of abandonment. I have difficulty relating to this and would appreciate if anyone could give me specific examples of this issue. I don't feel that I have this fear but wonder if I looked deeper, would I be able to see, that maybe I do. I just have no idea where to look. Would love to hear your thoughts. Thank You.

I think it may be helpful to understand were my fears originated.

My father was a drunken wife beater, The few times a week he was around was always with a beer in hand, unless he needed both hands free to beat the crap out of us. My mother suffered from depression so sever that it left her laying on the couch doing nothing for months or years at a time. As a result I didn't develop (or at the very least it was under developed) object constancy that is were you develop the understanding that your parents don't cease to exist when they are not present or that they do not stop loving loving you just because they are gone for a few hours. My father ended up leaving when I was 6, kidnapping my sister in the process. I continued living with my mother and 3 sisters until I was nine when my sisters were placed into foster care in a different house and I never saw them or my mother again. I found out many years later that she had called social services because she couldn't deal with her depression. At the time though, I felt that after all of the abuse I suffered so that she wouldn't, (I would provoke my father into taking his drunken rages out on me instead of the rest of the family) made us close. To suddenly be handed off to people I didn't know without so much as a good bye left me feeling like everything I had done was meaningless, that I had no purpose.

With that said it seems To me it as if I have a big general fear of abandonment and rejection, were I know I will die unloved. I don't make friends because they will eventually move, get married, have kids, work a different shift or job, or die. Since they are going to leave me anyway, I push them away before they get a chance to leave me.

Then there are the small things that happen in every day life that cause me to fear those I do care about are bored or annoyed by me. These generally manifest as an intrusive thought.

• I might be talking to my wife while she is busy doing something with our daughter and she didn't hear what I had to say. My first thought is that she must not care. This thought accompanied by feeling of anxiety

This in turn develops into negative self talk.

• If she doesn't care about what I have to say then maybe she doesn't care about me. This makes me feel depressed.

Which leads to me pulling away emotionally, distancing myself so that I can't be hurt when she does leave.

Finally there is a fear of rejection from strangers. As a child I was haunted by the idea that I was an alien and that others were able to read my thoughts, I felt like they put me into difficult situations so that they could monitor and record my responses. At other times I would see others laughing and I always felt that it was at my expense. The answers I gave in school were never expected responses and garnered me funny looks. I always felt like an outsider and every rejection fortified that belief.

Anyway you wanted examples so here are two major ones that have happened .

My friend ended up moving to a different state because sexual abuse that came to light involving his son and because he was offered a top security clearance military position that was a huge pay increase for his family. The rational part of my brain knew that he shouldn't just take the position but that he needed to. But the idea that the man who I spent all my waking hours fishing, hunting, who taught me to carve bows, who played D&D with, who taught me how to play MTG, leaving me alone was unbearable. It took me months to come out of my depression and attain a new daily routine to fill the void he left. After a couple of years he moved back but I've been unable to be friends again because I *know* he'll just leave again.

My wife started spending more time with her mother disappearing for days on end. I felt as if her family was more important to her then I was. I didn't want to upset her so I clammed up which ended up pushing her to see her family even more. Eventually she decided she wanted to try a separation. The separation lasted for a month, in that time my anxiety was so high that I ended up only sleeping about 5 hours in the entire month. We ended up back together but on those occasions that she goes to visit her mother I don't sleep, instead I pace the living room hoping she's going to come back this time.

Good question.

I like Living Dead Guy's response.

Hopefully more can come forward and share their experience on your particular question..

Thank You so much Livingdeadguy for sharing this with me. I feel really sad reading about your childhood. I can certainly relate to alot of what you said. Strangely enough I only learned about 'object constancy' today, I had not heard of it before so it's a coincidence that you mention it, I need to learn more about it. When you talk about your friend and your wife, I can relate to that also to a degree, I understand it totally. Whew, I thought I didn't have an abandonment issue but reading your story, I believe I do. I have much to think about. Thank You again.

Thank You Hooligan, I agree, I relate to a lot of what he told me. It has helped and I have to go away and think about it now.

I also did not feel that this applied to me i was very wrong it manifests in many different ways i think some are suprising and quite personal it takes time to discover how various traits do or dont apply to us individually.

Yes, MoodyCow, I think I'm beginning to realize that now and it will take time to make more connections to how this is relevant in my life. It's all a bit scary to be honest and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the information I'm reading and watching. Things are starting to make sense in many areas but I have to admit that I'm left in a bit of a negative space now, angry and saddened that, I feel robbed of a 'normal' life. Thank You for taking the time to reply.

i feel robbed of a normal life too

(((Group)))

Thanks guys.

First I'd like to say thank you to everyone that thanked me. So often when I respond to a thread it seems like I kill it, so its nice to know the effort I put in was appreciated.

Anyway, looking through more articles, I discovered that perfectionism is also a symptom of abandonment.
The full article can be found here: Article.

The second type of abandonment is the fear of critique, scolding, and punishments. A BPD person with these fears used to be abandoned consistently on his or her needs for trust, support, and/or understanding.
These BPD people dread to make any mistakes by trying to do everything perfectly. They try to behave perfectly, to walk perfectly, to talk perfectly, be the best ones in school, and to do things exactly as others say.
Also, since they were rarely praised for their successes and achievements but harshly punished or criticized for their mistakes, they never knew how perfect is perfect, and how good or "bad" they are. So they try to make sure they are perfect by aiming for unrealistic perfectionism.
This leads to lots of insecurities, frustration, and to look instinctively after someone who can tell them what and how to do.

This explains why I drop hobbies as soon as I find out I'm not “the best” at them. Why the jobs I have had the most success in are ones that I'm told I'm doing great. Why I have every manufactured part double checked several times by different people until I find out what the standards are and then try to exceed them anyway. And so much more.

Finally I understand that acknowledging a problem can be difficult, however, admitting to one is always the first and most difficult step in the process of healing. So instead of feeling sad by finding out you have fears of abandonment instead take a minute to congratulate yourself on admitting to having fears, it is something many if not most people can admit to. I have heard that DBT can help mitigate the fears, unfortunately my insurance refused to pay for DBT so I'll use my previous example to show how I've helped to limit my negative actions

I might be talking to my wife while she is busy doing something with our daughter and she didn't hear what I had to say. My first thought is that she must not care. This thought accompanied by feeling of anxiety

• The first step is to catch myself thinking this. Many times for myself they are accompanied by physical reactions. My hands will clench and the palms get sweaty. My breathing becomes more ragged and I usually pull away.
• When I find myself doing any of these things I stop the thought take a deep breath and ask the person if what I'm assuming is correct.
• Usually it is not. Then I have to trust what they told me. This is far more difficult then it sounds so I suggest practicing it with a loved one first.
• Finally because I am a tactile person I will ask for a hug (as long as it is my wife or daughter everyone else can stay the **** out of my bubble.)

As you can see I'm still working on it. Not allowing people into my bubble is a way to distance myself from them. So sometimes I do ask for hugs (before any problems) from people just to try and get comfortable with it. Which I must confess has only had mild success at this point.

Anyway I hope someone finds this useful. to everyone dealing with this fear.

Thank You so much Livingdeadguy for this information. Wow, I just cannot believe it, this thing about abandonment presenting in the guise of perfectionism definitely rings true with me, even down to the walk and talk!!!! I had to be perfect at everything, it was all or nothing with me. At work, I had to be the best and always ended up doing the work of 10 people just to get approval and for everyone to say what a great worker I was. If I found I wasn't good at something or felt I did not have the potential to excel at it, I gave it up.
I, too, do not allow people into my bubble and hate hugs. I do hug but like you, I am not comfortable with it and doubt I ever will be. I hate even sitting close to someone and feel like screaming if it is for any prolonged period......I'm rambling now!!! Thank You again for this information, it's much appreciated and thanks for sharing.

(((Nicky))) - just wanted to say I can relate to what you say when you land up doing the work of 10 people - I've been there before in the past
It's a huge burden for you to carry.

ThankYou Hooligan, I don't mind cyber hugs (less discomfort!!!). It's good to hear that I am not the only one who goes to such lengths to feel accepted. After reading this, I can see how trying to be perfect at everything would eventually take it's toll and I would end up imploding and then exploding. It was a never ending cycle.