Feeling inadequate, advice?

Hi everyone,
My therapist just recently mentioned a BPD diagnosis to me so I'm still fairly new to coping with my feelings/emotional mind and could use some advice. This past week I've been working on developing my identity separated from my partner of almost two years and have been feeling positive about it. However, now I'm feeling triggered. Tomorrow night there's a concert he has interest in attending, an event whose invitation was extended to both of us by a mutual friend. The mention of it has immediately sent me into an anxious, negative, stomach turning space. I want to go but I can't know if that's only because he's going. Part of me wants to keep an eye on him without reason. Something in me just overreacts so strongly to thoughts of him having fun without me, or socializing without me, and what if what if.

I feel like he's going to have one thousand more times fun with everyone else and suddenly it'll be like our time together is inadequate and I'll start wondering why he loves me and berate myself saying I'm not as interesting or funny. At the same time, if I go I'm worried I'll be triggered there when I watch him talk to other people. This happened last time and I got so anxious and sick, then so angry and hateful. I don't even know why!

I feel so lost. Does anyone have any coping skills or advice? Should I go? I'm just so lost.

I totally understand how you feel. I finally had a discussion with my wife about the reasons I've been pushing her away for the last month tonight. Because she has started working I feel that I have become less significant to her, perhaps even unlovable in some way.

The only way I know to cope is to recognize the thought then to validate it with the partner. What I'm feeling and thinking is almost never what my wife meant for me to feel. Then I have to trust her (I must admit that I have problems with this yet) then reinforce our connection with a hug or some other intimate contact.

Doing the above has kept me from going off the deep end many times. I hope it helps you.

Hi lilbysprout

It's nice to meet you.

Thanks for introducing yourself to us here on this forum.

And congrats on your first post

It helps to talk about your feelings / experiences with members who share similar diagnosis in order to get feedback on situations / events etc, so I'm glad that you did.

I'm sorry for the circumstances surrounding your first post.

There seem to be a multitude of factors going on in your relationship, as is the case in relationships for most of us here diagnosed with BPD.

To me there seem to be some deep rooted insecurity factors happening. And I'm glad that you've mentioned having a T in this, because you can work on this aspect in therapy in order to learn different coping skills.

Just something I was thinking.

Aways from your partner, do you have strong relationships with a network of your own friends? I ask this merely because I know how turmulous relationships can be for us at the best of times. But I was thinking, away from your partner, what sort of fun do you have? If any? Do you belong to any clubs? Do you get to keep contact on a reasonable basis? If not, please don't be concerned, you are certainly not the only one, and again these are strategies that your T can help you with.

My advice to your question would be this.

Go out and focus on having FUN

Fun for YOURSELF.

Forget about whether or not your partner is having fun / no fun / too much fun etc.

Don't let that be your focus.

Say to yourself: "I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this because I deserve to be happy. I'm doing this because for once I deserve to have fun."

You might find one or two useful strategies in this great Blog I found here on PsychCentral:

4 Psychological Tactics for Overcoming Social Anxiety | Psych Central

Thanks again for the post. Please let us know what the outcome is, regardless of whether or not you go to this event or not.

Look forward to seeing you around this forum.

Go if you truly want to see the concert. Do not go if it's just to keep an eye on him. Frankly my dear, **** him! If it's meant to be it will be, if it's not worrying will not help. You should not feel inadequate at all! Just look around you! Everyone is strange and no better or worse. Just different. Be yourself who ever that is and don't worry about what others may think because we are all in the same boat and everyone's poop smells