Needing Help understanding Intimacy with BPD Boyfriend.

Its been an interesting year with my boyfriend and Im yet to fully understand him.
He has been on alot of meds and have come off of them all, latest being Proxac and he stopped taking that 3 weeks ago.

Everything is going well, however...there has been a sensitive subject between us; Intimacy.

His previous meds had a known libido lowering effect and now hes off of them all, im somewhat waiting for some change. We've talked about it and he says there has been some positive change but its yet to appear physically. It did peak the first few days after he stopped, but its gone now.

Is there any gentle way I could encourage him more? Also, if anyone could offer insight into the subject for a BPD, It would be much appreciated. Talking to him about how he feels is like getting blood out of a stone and he gets quite upset so I don't pry too much.

Hi SeekingSupport,

I can definitely help you. Problems with intimacy nearly destroyed my relationship. Partly because of psychological issues, but predominantly due to side-effects of medication.

You obviously care about him a lot or you wouldn't have found your way here. So kudos to you - putting up with a BPD is hard work.

My partner took my low libido and inability to perform sexually very personally, thinking it was a reflection of HER attractiveness, and my lacking attraction to her. The same might be happening to you - if it is, let me assure you, it is not your fault, you are not unattractive. The issue is because of meds, and the psychology of being BPD.

I'm not sure how familiar you are with the symptoms of BPD? But one that may affect sexuality is the capacity to idolise and devalue. Basically, to go from loving, respecting, even revering a person, to being absolutely hateful and disgusted by them. From personal experience, and please, keep in mind I'm talking purely about me here, this might not be the case with your bf, but it may give you some insight into how we think. Anyway, in my personal experience, my interpersonal BPD symptoms (aggression, jealousy, controlling, possessiveness) were WORST when I devalued someone, BUT my sexuality was increased. For some reason, I had to devalue a girl to sexualise her. Completely counterintuitive, I know.

What might be happening, and what to some extent happened in my relationship, is I loved her so much, I didn't want to devalue her. So I idolised her, and in doing so, I was unable to see her as being sexual. Perfect example of Madonna/***** complex. Which is common in BPDs. Once we see a woman as the Madonna (all good, saintly, nurturing, loving, motherlike, etc) we can't incorporate the ***** side (sexual, erotic, etc).

I'm not sure how long you guys have been together, but there's a chance you're still in the idolised stage. Where - and don't be freaked out - he sees you as a mother figure, the Madonna. And as you can imagine, it's impossible for a man to sexualise his mother.

That's the potential underlying psychology - remember, BPDs are supremely complicated. My suggestion: be as gentle as you possibly can. You don't want resentment to build on top of the intimacy issues, this makes it that much harder to overcome. Talk to him. Tell him you feel there is a problem with intimacy, and that you believe, and rightfully so, that intimacy is a major part of a relationship. As our sex therapist told us, when sex is good, it's 10% of the relationship, when sex is bad, it's 90% of the relationship. Don't mention any of the stuff I expounded on above. It'll just annoy him and cause him more problems. But, armed with this insight, you can try suss out if this is actually the case.

Does he see a therapist? If he does - which he really should be - ask him gently to discuss the issue of sexuality with his therapist. If he isn't seeing a therapist, I strongly suggest you consider seeing a sex/relationship therapist. They will give you the tools to bring sexuality and intimacy into your relationship in a natural and easy way.

Okay, that's one side of the coin. I'm really sorry about the long post.

The other side is the meds. It took me almost 2 years to finally go get bloods done to check testosterone levels. In my case, because of a med called risperidone, my PROLACTIN levels were very high, which causes all sorts of sexual functioning issues. There might be something hormonally wrong, that could take a while to dissipate as the med is metabolised out of his system. It also has to do with age, weight, activity levels and genetic predisposition. Something worth considering.

In my relationship, with my now fiance, we are finally getting on track. I've switched from the meds that caused the lower libido onto meds that increase libido - but are causing havoc in every other way . We're in a much better place, sex comes naturally now and I am up for it (literally and figuratively) more often.

If you need to chat or want to know anything more, please PM me and I'll gladly help. This, and BPD in general, are subjects I'm deeply familiar with.

Thank you so much for this reply. It helps so much, more than you can ever know!

I have messaged you.

Its what Ive wanted to speak with someone who has experience in this exact thing and is willing for me to pick their brains!

If anyone else can provide and insight, it would be much appreciated!