My medication is making me really apathetic.

It's like half-good and half-maybe-not-so-good.

I tend to do just fine with most people, but my mother has always been quite the rage/disassociation trigger for me. I've always felt some immense amount of pressure to put on a happy, fake face for her, or else. With "or else" being some vague, looming threat that I've never really been able to actually define. My average interactions with her involve anxiety and rage, which I then stuff down and disassociate from so I can put on the happy of-course-I'm-not-mad-at-you-mom-you're-perfect mask.

But this 10mg Zyprexa treatment I have going on has drastically reduced my anxiety and agitation. And consequently, I find myself caring less and less about putting on my mask. Everything I experience in my mind is just very straightforward and blunt. When I run into my mother on a daily basis (seeing as to how we're under the same roof), my internal experience is just like.. I don't really like you, you're not a very good person, you suck as a parent and always have, I don't really want anything to do with you. And then I just want to walk away. Nothing to say. No anxiety. No rage. No desire to confront or argue. No pressure to put on the mask. I just don't care.

And normally, pre-Zyprexa, I would get a lot of anxiety over something as small and simple as having a 20-second interaction without the happy mask. I would worry about what sorts of passive-aggressive retaliation might be coming my way. But lately, I just don't care. My anxiety and anger thresholds are so low, that it's like no matter what sort of crap she might pull, it wouldn't affect me that much. I just don't care anymore.

Also, normally I would find myself being very hyper-vigilant during our conversations, always on the lookout for manipulation attempts or subtle clues that she's pissed at me about something and passive-aggressive jabs, mixed in with how awesome she is and how impressive her job is and her vacations. But lately, I just don't care. All I hear is blah blah blah. I just wait for the blah blah blah to be done so I can move on.

I've never felt so aloof in all my life. I had a flare up when she was being audaciously judgemental with my brother recently, but as soon as I saw that he was going to be alright and was not vulnerable to her manipulation, my jets cooled off completely. I realize more and more that she is not really that threatening. She's manipulative, deceptive, passive-aggressive - but these are all cowardly traits, the traits of a person who isn't actually very powerful.

I just know that she has always been my greatest trigger, by far and large, for rage and anxiety, and this medication has reduced her to practically nothing in my mind. I wasn't really sure how well or not the Zyprexa was 'working' until it dawned on me this morning my mother no longer triggers that mask. I ran into her this morning, and all I could think was that I was still tired and wanted to go back to bed and didn't feel like dealing with her. No mask, no anxiety, no agitation. I just turned away and went back to bed, end of story. That's honestly pretty impressive for me.

But it also makes me wonder if one of these days I'm gonna be so apathetic that I'm just gonna blurt something out, like, "Shut up" when she's bragging about herself or something. So Idunno. This med might be a little miracle as long as I can keep the brain-to-mouth filter on.

Sounds like the meds are doing their job, which is awesome. One of the main functions of meds like zyprexa is to reduce impulsivity, so I'm guessing you'll be safe.

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I agree woth Luctor. Some day you will wonder why you bothered with the mask.

I've noticed that, as well. I find myself mulling and contemplating a lot lately, without self-harm or suicidal urges. I feel colder and more calculating. It's kind of creepy, but it's also a huge relief.

Maybe that's just because you're not used to it.

I would agree with that statement. I'm definitely not accustomed to experiencing daily life in this manner.