destroyed friendships

I destroy friendships all the time. I want them back so bad. I was in such a rage, i felt like they were leaving me and I flipped out. Honestly I was going to talk with on of my (ex) friends and say I'm sorry but I'm afraid she'll just reject me. Anyone else like this? Have you found ways to control it?

Hi I also lost a lifelong friend because I flipped out over her abandonment of me and sent her a bunch of nasty texts. I wish so much I could take it back. Since then she changed her phone numbers and I can't get in contact with her. She's in a different state.

I have a world of chances for my borderline friends, mostly because I understand that they are in a lot of emotional pain and are not being "nasty" on purpose. I know that, behind all of their emotional turmoil, they are lovely people who just need someone to give them a chance, or several.

I have bipolar disorder, with hypomania that manifests in extreme irritability, and I have shouted at people, throwing profanities left and right, and I have said awful things to friends and family members that they absolutely didn't deserve. When I am overcome by rage like that, I lose control, and when the hypomanic episode is over I feel horrible about myself. So I believe in accepting people's apologies, and in being understanding.

That's not to say that I haven't been fed up with my borderline friends. In the heat of the moment it is not easy to think rationally about it, and you'll react in similar ways because you're human, but the important thing to remember, for me, is that they are still my friends, and I take friendship really seriously. I don't give up easily, because I wouldn't want my friends to give up on me. However, there was one borderline girl I had to banish from my life a few years back, simply because she threatened to physically hurt me, and she told me I was ruining her life on a daily basis. It got so bad that it was really detrimental to my own mental health, and eventually I broke down. I still occasionally feel like I failed this girl, because I couldn't help her, but life goes on. I believe she is still undiagnosed.

My point, I guess, is that there are definitely people out there who will stand by you, through all your ups and downs. If they aren't willing to forgive you, and support you through your emotional pain, then they aren't very good friends. You will not, however, know if you have friends you can count on unless you reach out to them and try to mend your relationship. It is worth a try. Good luck, and stay strong.

Thank you, this helped a lot . I just can remember all the horrible things I said to people and especially family members. Most the time I hardly mean it, and I hope they see that. Best of luck

I reacted that way towards nearly all of my past boyfriends, but usually my friends help keep me sane. I can act reasonably normal for my friends, though I don't have many. I don't get close to many people, so sometimes I'll get frustrated with those I'm not close friends with and stop talking to them, but I can't recall having regrets from doing that because there is usually a good reason, at least from my point of view.

However, I'm still friends with a couple ex boyfriends who I flipped out on on more than one occasion, and they understand better than a lot of people that I don't mean a lot of things that I say when I'm angry. I think I'm lucky that things ended on good terms with one of them in particular because of how well he understands me, and I'm glad I still have him as a friend. Most of my exes couldn't handle me in the slightest, but there are people who can, and I think it's probably the same case for you. If you're honest, and apologize when you act out, the good people will stick around. It just takes a lot of effort on your part and your friend's to make your friendship work. But it's definitely worth trying.

Thanks so much. I do have a friend and where basically exactly alike, I'm not sure if she has bpd but we do the same things and therefore we understand each other a lot. And I get what your saying that usually you flip out with people your in a relationship, I do that too and I do that a lot with my family. Basically anyone I'm really close too, otherwise I might just be really passive aggressive to not so close friends. Best of luck

Can I ask you something? Do you want them back because you truly did something wrong and you regret? Or do you want them back because you'd have something- anything- rather than loneliness and disconnection?

I had this problem at one time (and I have traits of a couple PD's, though no PD diagnosis), and I came to this conclusion. There's no objective standard of quality in relationships. It's my life, my happiness matters to me. If someone doesn't respect my boundaries, my happiness, and my dignity, they are not the right ones for me. If people bother me- even if others would describe it as an "overreaction" on my part- I disengage from them. There is always a reason that some friendships don't work out and sometimes it's healthier to see things as a mismatch between personalities in general, rather than you having a personality disorder and not being able to do things the "right way".

I can go on... In my troubled days, I'd pretend to be someone so others don't leave me. I'd buy people gifts to draw them back, I'd throw them undeserved complements, help them out by hooking them up, etc. then I realized they still feel the same way about me, only now they'll just use me while they can. This made me realize I lacked the self-respect necessary to cut my losses, and people are wolves when it comes to taking advantage of those without self-respect. It took getting burned several times and improving in other areas of my life to rebuild dignity. Now it's obvious to others I stay in friendships so long as there is mutuality and needs and interests are being served.

Move on. There are billions of people in the world and believe it or not, there are some people that will see past your personality problems and appreciate you for your good traits. Friendships are hard to find and keep for everyone. Your average grown-up who has seen the world has maybe one or two close friends, a handful of regular friends or less, and a ton of colleagues/acquaintances. Facebook I think has made a huge cluster**** out of what was once a simple, taken for granted concept.

DBT teaches you something- abandoning hopeless relationships- as part of interpersonal effectiveness. It's rather concrete. Voice your concerns, establish your boundaries and evaluate whether or not you're getting what you want in a reasonable manner. If not, abandon the relationship because it's not going to get better. I personally did this and it helps me a ton in life. I call it a sociostrategic inventory. It works like this:

- I make a list on my phone or computer. Somewhere where it can be edited and reviewed often.
- In this list I put several sections: Close Friends, Close Family, Friends, Family, Colleagues, Acquaintances, Frenemies, and Enemies.
- I add people based on evaluations of what they make me feel and what purposes they serve as well as history and longevity to each category.
- I analyze how their actions affect me- isolated actions as well as general trends.
- I review it weekly to determine each person's position. Sometimes people are demoted, and sometimes people are candidates for promotion. What I do with Frenemies and Enemies is I find a way to disengage from them permanently.
- Do this on a regular, frequent basis.

It may or may not be beneficial for you to be so calculated, but over time you'll get to a point where all this becomes mental and automatic. Hope that helps.

Interesting insight on this thread!

I'd just like to say this post was very insightful and generous, thank you! Currently I'm having trouble with a friend that I'm hot and cold with. I'll go from my heart melting of how much I love her, and then next thing I know I think I'm being manipulated, used, and betrayed which leads to me making accusations and freaking the f out. She is one of the few friends that I tell whats going on my mind. She's great but my issue is she'll say things like, I miss you the most and we should hang. But she always cancels or is too busy to hang out. I think she is a terrible friend but also I love her so much. Her mom is dying but I see her posts about hanging with friends all the time, like she is always making time for other people and not me, and that upsets me to the extreme, i throw horrible fits, and I think the only reason she is being nice and loving is to use me or something. To answer your question, To the friends I've lost due to me, I'm upset because I love them, and I throw fits to normal things that happen in friendships. But the sick part of me still believes they were leaving me, and betraying me so they weren't even sad when I broke things off. , I'm more sad that I can't be with them now, tell them stuff, ect. I will use your help, and I hope you well with your friendships Thanks again.

I understand she's going through some tough times and may not be available. But if this is an ongoing thing with her throwing cheap words at you and you feeling used and manipulated, it may be in your best interests to cut her off. I had this problem where I'd cling to friendships that had deaths long overdue. It wore away at my self-esteem. Two examples come to mind.

I once had a friend who was very passive and depressed all the time. So I did him a favor, pulled strings and landed him a well-paying job at my hospital. Then I put in a word at my other hospital and landed him a job there, too. He soon moved out of his parents' house which he dreaded and began living independently. I bought him gifts for his birthday and put in so much effort into helping him. In turn, he listened to me vent and provided comfort. Soon enough though, he began flaking because it wasn't "convenient" for him to hang out with me as he lived now 10 minutes further away. I started driving. I started hooking him up with everything (I know, it's pathetic and I deserved the heartbreak of losing him for being so spineless). He came to despise me passive-aggressively taking his anger out on me. When he was drunk he would **** on me to impress his friends. I finally had enough, told him off and cut him out of my life because he'd keep flaking (by now it was just a string of no-call no-shows). He'd throw his family under the bus as an excuse, then his job, then finally he got lazy and said "he's depressed and has become a shut in, and is trying his hardest to be a good friend". But he had no problem hanging out with others. I cut him loose, was sad about it for a hot minute but moved on. He started manipulating to get me back. I simply moved on. I knew I didn't deserve that kind of ****** treatment.

Second example is this girl from college. She's top 5% as far as looks so she's used to having guys kiss her *** and give her everything for minimal effort, and girls dying to hang out with her for social proof. She never reached out to me, only I reached out to her. She'd flake, etc. only hanging with me when it's convenient for her. She always wanted male attention so one time I was really sick and she came to see me but awkwardly admitted that she feels lonely because her BF is overseas and she misses him. She was always dismissive of me and treated me like a second class citizen, embarassed of hanging out with me because I suffered from a mental illness. Last thing I did was get her a painting for her birthday (over $100, I know, slap me because I should've known better). She thanked me, then when it came time for my birthday I didn't get so much as a "happy birthday!" text from her. So I sent her to my dead friendship hell and never reached out to her again.

Ultimately you gotta decide what kind of treatment you want. I realized I didn't want to grovel for ****** people any more and made my decision. It's your life, man. For me, actions speak much louder than words. If there is a gulf between the two, I make my decision and move on to greener pastures. Life is too short to waste on people that don't deserve your time.

Thanks so much for the response this post helped me think, and honestly I really do deserve better. I may cut some friends off but since I fear being alone so deeply it may be tough, I'll probably just have a conversation with them before I decide anything. Ask them why they are in the friendship and I can see B.S easily and if they B.S me I'll say we're done. Will be tough but it seems I stick with who ever shows me the littlest affection/attention, and they can be the rudest people and I'll see right through it.

I'm on this page because my best friend was diagnosed with emotional intensity disorder. Speaking for those of us on the outside, it helps a LOT if you explain the disorder to us. It makes it easier to take a step back when you have rages and not take it so personally. If you really want this person back, I'd start with apologizing and then explain that. But don't use it as an excuse. No one wants excuses.

I just got done destroying most of my friendships. I usually hit a point where I become completely destructive to what I have now and long for what I lost in the past. I too think about apologizing to people I've hurt in the past, but I also fear the rejection. I know exactly how you feel, but I can't offer any insight on how to make it better. Just know you're not alone.