[sunnyjax]

I am on my 4th Husband.
I am his 4th wife.

He cheated on all his wives, usually with the next one but not always. He spent 8 years cheating on his last wife with her best friend.
I hate cheats. I didn't know about this until after we were married.

So how do I cope with feeling I will be next? A big part of me is the fear of being abandoned, one of the reasons I married so often to feel secure. ( It didn't always help!)

This constant feeling of fear is eating me up and making me ill. He reassures me he wouldn't do this to me but I just think I bet he said that to his last wives!

Any advice on how to stop my self-sabotaging behaviour in this relationship because I do like him. I find myself trying to get him to dump me, I do crazy things, which I am ashamed of trying to goad him into finishing it. I dream of peace and solitude in a little house all of my own. But I would really like to stay married and have a good relationship with him. He has his faults and he has done things which really hurt me. But in the light of my recent diagnosis I think maybe it was my perception?
Any advice please?! x

[Tauren]

I find myself trying to get him to dump me, I do crazy things, which I am ashamed of trying to goad him into finishing it. I dream of peace and solitude in a little house all of my own. But I would really like to stay married and have a good relationship with him.

In What way is being married to him preferable to being on your own?

[CopperStar]

You can trade being healthy for denial, or you can trade your denial for being healthy. Both choices are rough IME.

[sunnyjax]

Im sorry I didn't quite understand the replies.

Does anyone have any advice on how to manage my own thinking about his past?

[lavendersage]

I think what CopperStar is getting at is there's reality (i.e. the man has cheated, in succession, on 3 different women and that says something about his "character" and/or own mental/emotional baggage - and it's not something GREAT) and there's the denial of that reality (Elephant in the room? What elephant?)

He may be all that and a bag of chips now. But, my guess, based on.....life, is I wouldn't be holding my breath.

I think Tauren is gently nudging you to start exploring what about being married to him makes life living on your own less preferable?

I'm sorry that you're in this position.

It concerns me that you openly admit that you've married often due to insecurity and fears of being alone, that you live in a state of fear (and are becoming ill because of it) that he's going to do to you what he's already done to 3 previous women, and that he has done things which "really hurt" you.

If you're not seeing a therapist, it might be a good time to look in to that. A good one can help you figure things out that might otherwise seem insurmountable or undecipherable if you tried to do it on your own.

Good luck ((((hug))))

[sunnyjax]

Thanks Lavendersage, I can't afford a therapist. In the UK the waiting list for therapy on the NHS is 2 years. I am on the list and still waiting! Private therapy is £60 a session. Way out of my reach.
So I am trying to manage all this myself.

I know I didn't marry him for the right reasons but here I am. I am married to him.
I don't have any income and have to ask my H for money for things. I am currently retraining so I will have an income of my own.
Being married to him is where I am at the moment. I feel that if I leave him I will still be hurting and living with the fear and unable to hold down a job or have a steady life. Its me I need to work on and then I hope I will be able to see where the future lies.

Are there no techniques or strategies which help cope with emotional dysregulation?!

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by sunnyjax

Thanks Lavendersage, I can't afford a therapist. In the UK the waiting list for therapy on the NHS is 2 years. I am on the list and still waiting! Private therapy is £60 a session. Way out of my reach.
So I am trying to manage all this myself.

I know I didn't marry him for the right reasons but here I am. I am married to him.
I don't have any income and have to ask my H for money for things. I am currently retraining so I will have an income of my own.
Being married to him is where I am at the moment. I feel that if I leave him I will still be hurting and living with the fear and unable to hold down a job or have a steady life. Its me I need to work on and then I hope I will be able to see where the future lies.

Are there no techniques or strategies which help cope with emotional dysregulation?!

Breathing exercises, E.F.T. (Emotional Freedom Technique) come to mind. They can, if practiced consistently, help get you to a headspace where you can "sit" with whichever upsetting emotion you're feeling and not, in essence, be strapped to it like it's a rocket missile.

Thankfully you seem to have computer access so I would google them and also watch youtube videos about these things.

You might also want to ask for advice in the Borderline Personality Disorder forum as emotional dysregulation is de rigeur for BPD.

There's also GOT to be books out there - another google search will hopefully turn some up for you.

I hope you find some relief - soon. My sister's husband is a class-A a$$head and her health is completely ruined as a consequence of putting up with his toxicity for lo these many, many years.

[sunnyjax]

Sorry everyone, I thought I was on the BPD part of this forum?!!!

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by sunnyjax

Sorry everyone, I thought I was on the BPD part of this forum?!!!

My apologies. My god, my brain is so g.o.n.e. You are posting on the BPD sub forum. good grief.
So sorry!!